MICHAEL VICK   

"VICKS FORMULA 44"

Much has been written and said about Michael Vick, and his kennel called Bad Newz. We're all familiar with his story. Posse + Pit Bulls + Dog Fights + Gambling + Killing K-9's, and for extra measure, throw in some lying, the formula = PRISON.

Sorry Mike, you made your bed and now you must lie in it. Now, I don't think you are an evil person, I just think you made a lot of very bad choices--- on hundred and thirty million to be precise.

 A couple of years ago, your boss, the owner of the Atlanta Falcons, Arthur Blank thought so highly of you, he gave you a new $130 million contract. You were the highest paid NFL player---ever at the time. Not only did you represent Nike, EA Sports, Coca Cola, PowerAde, Kraft and Rawlings to name a few, you were the face of the Atlanta Falcons and the NFL.

 That's all gone now because of your actions. Ironically, it was your actions that got you that 130 million dollar contract in the first place. It was your superhuman, freakish athletic ability that allowed you to run and pass the football like none other before you.

 There are Hall-of-Fame quarterbacks that could throw the ball like, Marino, Elway, and Favre. And there were quarterbacks that could run, like Staubach, Tarkenton, Young, and Cunningham, but none had the ability to do both at the same time. You could simply change the game, with your god-given arm strength and leg speed.

English physicist, Sir Isaac Newton theorized some 300 years ago, the laws of motion, the theory of gravitation. He postulated, "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction."

You should know that Mike.

Well, maybe you have never heard of Sir Isaac or his theories, but every time you run or throw, you are confirming them. You see, Sir Isaac's theories are taught by every football coach and played out on every football field in America.

The forces you exert on your shoulder, arm, elbow, hip, knee and foot are greater than anyone in football. The forceful action you place on your body allows you to run faster and pass the football further than just about anyone in the NFL. The problem is that every action has a reaction. But, the theory just doesn't apply on the football field; Newton's theory also pertains to the game of life.

What you say and do off the field, can affect your actions on the field. You know, "Actions speak louder than words." Sound's corny doesn't it? Now you may not buy into that theory, but sometimes, there is a reason that these colloquiums exist.

Mike, maybe you should try, "Dog is a man's best friend."

Now Mike, you have 23 months to think about... your actions.

Many have vilified you, many still support you. Many will always define you as a "dog killer," and many will call you hateful things, but I prefer to call you, like I remember you:

Mike be nimble, Mike be quick, Mike jumped over the candle Vick
Mike be agile, Mike be fine, Mike's so elusive he can score at any time!
One step, two steps, three steps, that's all he wrote,

Poof! Now you see him, now you don't!
Mike's so elusive, Mike's so strong, Mike's got so many moves, he'll make you look wrong!
Better get your camera and take a picture, 'cause that's the last time you're gonna see him. Ta-ta farewell, so long!

I remember your senior season at Virginia Tech, when every NFL coach in America was ga-ga over you. I recall when the Atlanta Falcons traded draft picks with the San Diego Chargers to select you the first overall player, and the first ever African American quarterback ever in the 2001 draft.

***********************************

Welcome to the 2001 NFL Draft.

"...The balls have been certified and sealed into the drum by the accounting firm of Deloitte & Touche," announced NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue.

"C'mon, number one! C'mon, number one! I've played thousands of games of ping pong before, but I have never been this nervous as the game we're about to play," said Atlanta Falcons' head coach, Dan Reeves. 

"What if? What if ... we got the number one pick in the draft? What are we going to do?" asked the Falcons' assistant head coach, Marvin "Largemouth" Bass.

"First, we consult our owner, Mr. Blank. He's got to write the check."

"Arthur will write a blank check? And we fill in the box?"

"No, Marvin. It's Mr. Arthur Blank, owner of the Falcons, the Chairman of The Home Depot."

Now they could hear the commissioner: "The first ping pong ball that appears in the slot will determine this year's number one pick. Good luck, gentlemen."

Long pause

"The first pick in the 2001 NFL draft is ... the Atlanta Falcons."

"We've got the first pick in the draft!" an elated Reeves yelled.

"Oh, man!" shouted Bass.

"Marvin, we cannot mess it up; we've got to be very careful. Not only must we do our due diligence--- scouting, mental and physical tests, we must see him in action, in person, as soon as possible. I've got my eye on Virginia Tech quarterback Mike Vick; we've got to see this kid. I hear he is special!"

"I understand your thinking," said Bass. "Michael Vick is strong, elusive and super quick. I hear he is able to scramble quicker than Chef Emeril at a free Mother's Day brunch, run faster than a California raisin tanked up on Ex-Lax, and possesses an arm stronger than the smell of ten homeless people camped out for a week on the sunny side of a New York street."

"It sounds too good to be true. Could it be?" asked Reeves.

"I'll find out," said Bass.

"Call his college head coach, Frank ???325i' Beamer at Virginia Tech," urged Reeves. "I need to know everything about Vick. Get him on the phone right away!"

"Frank Beamer's office, this is Mercedes, can I help you?"

"Yes, is Beamer there?"

"Who's calling?"

"Dan Reeves, Atlanta Falcons head coach."

"Hi coach Reeves, coach Beamer is out getting a lube job--- I'll tell him you called. Oh wait, here he is... He just rolled into the office."

"Hey Dan, how's it going down in Atlanta?"

"Great. We got the first pick in the draft, and we are considering Michael Vick. Can you tell me about him? Is the news true?"

"Every bit and more, Dan. Michael is a dynamic athlete. He's electrifying! He has a powerful arm, runs an earth-defying 4.1 seconds in the 40-yard dash, can read a defense faster than Evelyn Wood and has a better feel for the game than Hugh Hefner locked in a dark room with thirty Playboy bunnies.

"He sounds extraordinary," remarked Reeves.

"Mike is rich, smooth and quick, like ... Nestl??'s Quick."

"Nestl??'s Quick?" questioned Reeves.

"He's so rich and thick and chocolate 'cause he can't do it slow; he's quick, so very quick, he's ... Michael Vick!

"Like the... drink?"

"In a nationally televised game against our Big East rival, the Syracuse Orangemen, Michael beat them so badly, the next day's headline in the Syracuse New Times read, ???Orangemen             Vick-timized, Crushed to a pulp!' ???Quarterback Mike Vick is in-Vick-sible! Vick-tor-ee for Va Tech.'"

"That's serious!"

"He can sucker a defense better than a Tootsie Roll, and stretch ???em further than Rosie O'Donell trying to fit into a medium-size pair of panty hose. In the second half, he sucked a defender in so hard on a blind bootleg, he made Mr. Oreck look like a cleaning maid with an eight-pound dust mop. He is so famous, even the city council renamed the town, Vicksburg in his honor!"

"He sounds too good to be true," said Reeves. "What about his head? I'm concerned about the six inches of space between the ears. I've seen so many gifted quarterbacks that didn't make it. Andre ???Tupper' Ware was canned. Ryan ???Gold' Leaf was blown away.  Jason ???Off' White was painted over. Charlie ???Psych' Ward went to the NBA and Danny ???Are You Full' Wuerffel was too full of himself, to name a few."

Bass grabbed the phone: "Tell us about his background."

"His parents are Victor ???Right Click' Vick, an Internet loan officer at Quicken Loans, and former Victoria Secret model Victoria ???Vickie' Vick," said Beamer. "Michael's father taught him discipline at a very young age. Not only did the quality of the job count, but speed and accuracy were equally stressed. Business was his name, and loans were his game. Victor's motto was, ???Make it slick, make it stick, and make it quick!' Mr. Vick was all about business. Bisquick, he called it. Make business and make it quick! If I were you, I wouldn't hesitate a second to choose him number one overall!"

"Thanks Frank, but I don't make quick, rash decisions. Marvin, bring him in for a workout and issue him uniform number one."

"Coach, that's a lot of pressure. Isn't number one normally handed out to the savior of the franchise?"

"I'm crossing my fingers," uttered Reeves.

After Vick's first practice, Reeves, a stickler for detail, changed his mind and demanded that Vick wear number 44.

Bass responded, "Coach, that number is reserved for linebackers or fullbacks, not the quarterback."

"I don't care!" said Reeves, "he is to wear number 44!"

"Why?" Bass asked.

"He is the perfect remedy for the team."

 "What?"

"Vick's got it! He's got the right formula--- the perfect medicine for our ailing team--- Vick's Formula 44!"

"Formula 44? What...?"

 "Yes! Vicks Formula 44 Vapor Rub. So fast and potent! You can't see it, you can't smell it, but you sure can feel it!"

"Oh yeah!" said Bass. "He is perfect for our ailing offense! Like Nyquil, he's the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head fever, so you can rest better to feel better medicine. He's simply take-us-to-the-playoffs-quarterback medicine!" 

I'm Out!

Hail to the Vick-tors!

The University of Michigan

Copyright 2008   Steve Kay