Posted by:
jeevs BS

From the International House of Sport. (pasted in, i did not type it, so i aint forging or plagerizing i think, but i did put in the pics)


 Plusses: No more top four

 Negatives: Complete stripping of the games integrity and culture.

 Here is how the first round may play out:


 1. Derby County

Pick: Cristiano Ronaldo

Christiano Ronaldo is seen walking up to the podium to collect his  Derby shirt with a look of dejection on his face. It turns out he refuses to play for Derby County and his agent is negotiating a trade to a London Team due to their increased marketability. However, for now, he is a Derby County player due to Derby being unable to resist the most lucrative player in the EPL, whether they can keep hold of him or not, Derby have a huge amount of trade bait with this pick..

 2. Fulham

Pick: Cesc Fabregas

Roy Hodsgson needs to build with youth to counteract the fact he is hideously old, decrepit and slightly senile. Mohammad Al Fayed sees huge marketing potential in Cesc Fabregas and believes he is the pivotal point to turn the London team into the "Manchester United of the South" as he always envisioned.

 3. Bolton

 Pick: Wayne Rooney

Bolton are surprised Rooney dropped this far but Bolton snap up the chance to keep him in the Midlands. Wayne Rooney brings with him the potential to create the kind of attractive attacking football that the beautiful Reebok Stadium always deserved.

ALERT: With the signing of Rooney, sources claim that Nike has bought naming rights to the Reebok Stadium

4. Birmingham

Pick: Steven Gerrard


Alex Mcleish attempted to go for James Mcfadden with this pick but his general manager has assured him that Mcfadden will still be available in later rounds. With Barry Ferguson ineligible for the draft due to his SPL commitments (where he was Dundee United's first round pick), Mcleish takes the closest available player to provide the backbone to his midfield and will be able to link up with Mcfadinho. This pick shows with what little regard managers consider the wonderlic test as Gerrard scored record lows by refusing to answer a single question and instead complaining the whole time about having to do it

 5. Sunderland

Pick: Anderson

 Sunderland fans boo around the draft hall. Again, Roy Keane has over reached and over payed for a former Manchester United star. Sunderland fans are convinced that Anderson would still be available at the number 5 pick of the second round. Keane is however convinced that he can mould Anderson into a tenacious midfielder, which coupled with Anderson's natural ability, will truly bring light to the stadium of light that has not been created by fellow Manchester United alma matter, Richardson, Evans, Bardsley, Yorke, Cole et al.

6. Newcastle

Pick Fernando Torres

Kevin Keegan loves it (GET IT, HE SAID THAT AGAINST MAN U, REMEMBER?) that Torres is still around with the number 6 pick and explains in jubilation that he would have picked Torres with the Number 1 pick if he had it at his disposal. Torres provides the focal point of the offensive game that has been severely lacking under the limp leadership of Michael Owen. The "Toon Army's" euphoria regarding the appointment of Keegan feels far more justified now that they have the prolific Fernando Torres .

7. Reading

Pick David Bentley


Reading tried to trade this pick but there were no takers, so instead of shattering their wage structure, they chose to build with youth and character, of which Bentley has bucket loads. Bentley is the kind of understated hero that Reading fans love. The cap room saved with the Bentley pick should allow for Reading to stockpile depth of talent in free agency.

 8. Wigan

Pick: Peter Cech


The fans are booing, but it's not about the pick, it's about the fact that Mark Lawrenson has made a joke about Peter Cech suiting Wigan as he wears a scrum cap and Wigan play on a rugby pitch. The fans are very happy that Wigan are the first team to build from the back as Cech is not only the first goalie, but the first non attacking player picked. And what a way to start with defence, by picking the best goalkeeper on the board.

9. Middlesbrough

Pick: John Terry

 Another one of Chelsea's rearguard plucked. Gareth Southgate, a former England centre back looks to the leadership of current England centre back John Terry as being the rock on which to build a new look Middlesbrough upon. After being burnt by many a dodgy foreigner in the past, the fans are delighted to have John Terry on board as the dawning of a new era. He will be signed with a stipulation in his contract that Gareth Southgate must be involved in all paintballing activities.

10. Tottenham PICK TRADED.

 Tottenham have sensationally landed Christiano Ronaldo from Derby County for every single one of their draft picks. 7 picks go to Derby who are extremely happy with the move. (If Sugar was still on board with Tottenham this would never happen, he doesn't like bullshitters and he doesn't like arselickers), but Ramos talks the Sugarless Tottenham board around into believing that Christano Ronaldo is essentially good enough to operate as a one man team.


Pick: Nemandja Vidic

Derby continue the onslaught of defensive players picked by surprisingly going for Nemandja Vidic in round 1. Certainly a safe pick who can be complimented in later rounds by their now brimming pot of draft picks. Vidic will be flattered to be picked so early and is not even in the draft hall. We cut to his house where he looks ecstatic with the news and is hugging his family.

 11. West Ham

Pick: Joe Cole


Many speculated that West Ham would look to a former player who has been taken from them thanks to the cruel life of Premiership football before the salary cap and draft era. Carlos Tevez, Rio Ferdinand and Frank Lampard were the other choices but West Ham settled on Cole as they believe he has the best upside and also feel he was thought to be the brightest star to come out of the youth system (Thanks to Shoot and Match magazine for that analysis).

12. Man City

Pick: Micah Richards

The cameras keep picking up the disgruntled, ever fading, fake smile of Carlos Tevez who has not been picked yet. Sven Goran Erikson all but guaranteed a drafting of Tevez to Man City if Torres was no longer available. The manager in the end felt that he had to stay loyal to the future of Manchester City Micah Richards , who becomes the first player to remain at his former club in the draft era. The fans are delighted to have their prodigal son back on board.

 13. Blackburn

 Pick: Gabby Abonglahor

 A hush flows through the arena followed by a chorus of boo's. Abonglahor did indeed put in a solid showing at the combine, but people believed that only solidified his status as a second rounder, a mid first round pick appears to be a desperate reach and Alan Hansen is enraged at a pick being made purely based on a combine performance "This is football, not athletics, they cannot be serious, who are Portsmouth gonna draft, Linford Christie? ". Tevez is slowly going more and more red with each pick and is one step away from devolving into full monkey boy state and throwing his own faeces at the TV cameras.

14. Portsmouth

Pick: Emanuel Adebayor

Harry Redknapp admitted it was a hard choice of Adebayor over Tevez, but in the end he felt that Adebayor had more impressive physical skills and was a better fit in their system of one man up front while Tevez plays better with a partner.

15. Aston Villa

 TRADE: Pick Traded to Chelsea for 1st and 2rd round pick.

 O'neil is delighted with the trade as the youth he covets in the building process will be available in the third round.

Now Alex Ferguson is the one going red as the last of his magic trio flies off the board. Sir Alex however refused to be held hostage with draft picks which would compromise the building process of a new team.


 Pick: Carlos Tevez

Roman Abarmovich....I mean, Avram Grant was more than happy to part with another first day pick for the honour of not only having Carlos Tevez in their line up, but also by getting one over on Manchester United.

16. Everton

Pick: Frank Lampard


Lampard dropped down the board thanks to a disappointing combine, but Moyes was impressed by Lampard's high character and felt he was an upgrade to the leadership of Phil Neville. Fans are somewhat disappointed as this makes a move in a later round for Goodison hero Cahill unlikely .

17. Liverpool

Pick: Rio Ferdinand

Linked to Liverpool in his West Ham and Leeds days, they finally get their man. Alan Shearer mumbles something boring in the commentary box about how Rio Ferdinand is hard to play against. Jamie Carragher gets up and leaves the room, but not before punching a waiter in the face. He was convinced Liverpool would bring home with their first round pick. Many expected him to go higher but he was cited with "character issues" after scouts saw tape of his "Rio's World Cup wind ups" series.

18. Aston Villa (Pick traded from Chelsea )

TRADE:  Man City trade their second and third round picks to Aston Villa for this first round pick.

Aston Villa now have three second round picks and two third round picks.

Aston Villa are benefiting from Chairman Randy Lerner's draft experience and are stockpiling later draft picks to provide strength and depth to the team over star power.

 Man city

Pick: Didier Drogba

Manchester City finally get their striker and felt the player was worth two later picks. Man City now feel they have the focal point of their offence and their defence to build upon.

19. Manchester United

Pick: Dimitar Berbatov


Sir Alex wanted to build from the pack but doesn't feel any of the goalkeepers or defenders left merit first round pick status. He decided that with so many strikers off the board already, he needs to compete with the man he has been a long time admirer of and can provide them with firepower: They cannot alienate their fan base by passing on the next best striker available.

20. Arsenal

Pick: Nani

 Alan Hansen speculates this could be mind games on Arsene Wenger's part. Wenger may want to prove he could get more out of a young starlet than Sir Alex can. However, this could be Wenger cutting off his ample nose despite his oddly shaped face. If it works however, he is a genius and it will go down as one of the best decisions ever, but there is a huge element of risk involved with making such a decision. Wenger is however no stranger to rebuilding, so the Arsenal fans trust him with their pick.


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