Girardi - OK, boys, before we start practice today, I lined up a special treat for you. THE POPE is gonna give you a little pep talk. Come on up, Benny.
Yanks - Yay!
Pope - Hiya, boys! Before I leave I'm gonna sprinkle your balls with holy water. But first I want to address you some remarks of an inspirational nature.
As I drove up here in my Popemobile, I debated in my mind about how the Yankees could benefit from the Power of Faith. You already got great pitchin with Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera. You got Jeter and A-Rod in the infield. You certainly got all the muscle you need to hit the long ball...
So how come you're constantly crapping out in the playoffs?
I recently had a long talk with Mother Teresa while we were knocking back a few Peronis and watching the Yanks on the Vatican Channel. I know she's dead but she still comes back to visit me once in a while.
The subject got around to why so many great Spanish stars are succeeding in baseball, and when we analyzed the situation, the one thing all these guys have in common is that they cross themselves when they go up to bat.
Now, that might seem like a small thing, but if you think about it, bringing God up to home plate might be the determining factor in getting on base. Maybe if you got on your knees and prayed while you were waiting in the on-deck circle, that might not be so bad either. In fact, now that I'm thinking on it, maybe the Yanks batting coach could show you how to bat from down on your knees right there in the batter's box. That would certainly reduce the strike zone and make it hard for the pitcher.
Then, when you draw a walk, you could walk to first base on your knees, like the pilgrims who climb up the stairs on their knees at St. Joseph's Oratory in Montreal. Who knows, if the Expos had tried that they might have been more successful and they'd still be in business.
Now, everybody knows that as the greatest baseball team in the history of the world, or that ever will be, the Yanks are victims of vicious, insidious jealousy.
That's why you shouldn't be surprised if Red Sox fans are even willing to sell their immortal souls to Satan to beat the Yanks. Take this Gino Castagnoli, who tried to bury a Red Sox shirt in the foundation of the new stadium to try to put a hex on the Yankees.
If I get my hands on this prick, you can forget about me being Pope or anything else! I'm going to turn Castagnoli over to the Spanish Inquisition and let them stretch him on the rack. That should get his mind off of baseball for a while, the creep!
But I feel sorry for David Ortiz, whose name was on that shirt. He was so upset when he heard about it that he had to take the day off. He don't want to be in Boston with those crumbs. He just can't find a job in New York. When he came to confession he told me that he HATES playing in Boston. He cries himself to sleep every night, living in a town of fat slobs who eat beans and fart all day long. The people of Boston are so cheap they don't even change their underwear. They built a $50 billion tunnel and it collapsed the first day it was open.
Anyway, forget Boston. Look, I brought my baseball glove and my bat. Since Jeter's injured maybe I can try out for shortstop. If you let me play I'll call up The Flying Nun and we can have a party.