FanNation - The Republic of Sport

 Isiah Thomas, Jim Dolan and Larry Bird all walk into a bar. If you think it sounds like a joke, you'd be right, I mean just look at their respective track records. After we heard about the Knick's owner Dolan having a preference to keep Isaiah intact as coach, we envisioned how Jim would break the news to Isiah without committing hara-kiri. Of course as Knicks fans know, no one in New York can bear to stand talking about the oft faltering team unless they're at a bar...

Dolan: Bartender, a glass of Merlot please.

Isiah: You buying Jim?

Dolan: No sir, I only take care of salaries and sexual harassment lawsuits. Ha ha, but seriously, no.

Isiah: I'm glad you still have confidence in me, I was getting worried I was gonna have to start looking for a new job.

Dolan: Hey your still in the play-off run, which is mind boggling figuring we're on a blistering pace to win no more than 23 games. (sigh) 23 games.

Isiah: Gotta love the Eastern conference.

Dolan: We've only won 20 games -- Barkeep, screw the glass just bring me the bottle!

Isiah: I got two words for how we're gonna turn this team around Jim.

Isiah: Tyler Hansbrough. The College Basketball Player of the Year. He's a sure thing Jim. Carolina is know for their spectacular white centers! Remember Eric Montros? Mitch Kupchak? Cherokee Parks!

Dolan: Kupchak, now there's another management genius. Wonder if we'll be able to bring him in if Bynum doesn't pan out? Wait, I think that last one is from Duke.

Isiah: They're all the same mold. Awesomely un-athletic Caucasian basketball royalty. It's like every team that ever played the Globetrotters--WE COULD BE THE TEAM THAT PLAYS THE GLOBETROTTERS JIM!

Jim: That would help attendance...and we might win more games... I dunno Isaiah, I think we'd be better off with someone like Beasly or Rose.

Isiah: OR, or--what about a tree. Like not a little one, like a big one, like an oak tree or a redwood. We'll plant it in the lane.

Dolan: That's what you said about Eddy Curry and that didn't seem to work out too well. However, I will say a tree may have a better vertical.

Isiah: The place is called "The Garden" Jim, people will eat it up. Hey there's Larry! Larry over here!

Dolan: (mumbling) Doesn't mean we should turn it into an arboretum...although that would help attendance. Jeez, who am I kidding the New York media would just end up hanging me from it.

Larry: Hey guys, I'm here on behalf of the Indiana Pacers, who sport the third best record of the Central Conference. That's right, winners of just a shade better than 40% of our games...

Dolan: Barkeep, I'm gonna need a shot of Belvedere...

Isiah: I was just telling Jim about my idea to play a tree at center.

Larry: Like Eddy Curry?

Isiah: No, like a big ass oak tree or even maybe one of those tall pine trees, like the one they have in the Times Square at Christmas. We need a big mother to stop Dwight Howard.

Larry: French Lick had great trees...I'll give you a second round pick and Jermaine O'Neal for this tree you speak of.

Dolan: Really, a pine tree? I'm gonna spend 30 mil for a pine tree? Like the one at Stanford?

Isiah: I hadn't even thought of that! Jim you're a genius. With the third pick of the 2008 NBA draft, the New York Knicks select, the Stanford mascot!

Jim: ...And then they carpet bomb my house. Barkeep, you know what, no more wine, just mix up anything clear behind the bar in a bucket and throw a straw in it.

Larry: Heck, we got a guy named Travis Diener, ever heard of him?

Isiah: No

Larry: Either have I, but he runs the point in Indiana now. Drafted him at some point, I don't remember when. That's been our draft strategy of late, draft players no ones heard of and then nobody can be disappointed.

Dolan: Wait, we worked hard for our pick this year! I mean, uh, well, we tried to wor--well it just seems like an important pick. Too important to draft a tree.

Larry: I personally think that's a phenomenal decision. I would try and follow your footsteps, but the Pacers are moving in a new direction. We don't seem to be good at playing basketball anymore, so, well, we're turning the Pacers into a Fight Club.

Isiah: Now see that's a good idea. That's great, I mean I can't remember the Pacers being relevant since that night Artest punched the guy in the second row. See that's a GM for you. You're thinking outside the box Legend.

Larry: Yeah, we've got some real strict rules though, so don't tell anyone I told you. Gonna try and get Artest back and bring Bill Laimbeer out of retirement. Like our new slogan says "If you can't beat'em on the basketball court, beat'em in the parking lot on the way out." Or even in the stands cause we've really been struggling with a way to get the fans back involved.

Isiah: Nothing like a fist fight to get the people to start caring again. That's always been New York fan's motto.

Dolan: Bartender get me a bottle of Chivas and a funnel!

Isiah: You know I called Michael Jordan the other day to see who the Bobcats were gonna draft and he said something interesting. They don't even have a draft strategy, they just take the whoever is on the cover of Sports Illustrated at the beginning of college basketball season or the best available UNC undergrad.

Larry: So that's why they took Adam Morrison 3rd overall last year.

Isiah: They said he was the next you Larry.

Larry: Yeah, he's the white version of Larry Bird.

Isiah: You're white Larry.

Larry: But I didn't play like it. Plus I could rebound, run the floor, create space, pass, shoot the ball at better than 38%...

Dolan: And your mustache only made you look vaguely like a sexual predator.

Larry: Yessir.

Isiah: I think we picked Renaldo Balkman by pulling his name out of a hat.

Larry: We drafted Shawne Williams that draft.

Isiah: Who?

Larry: Exactly!

Dolan: Bartender bring me a gas can and a plastic bag to put over my head.

Isiah: I dunno Larry, maybe we're doing something wrong here. Maybe, we'd be better off just fishing or playing golf somewhere.

Larry: And just walk away from being a part of professional basketball?

Dolan: Impossible, you aren't a part of professional basketball because you don't play in the Western Conference.

Larry: Maybe it's just best if former NBA players just stay off the benches and out of the front office.

Isiah: I'll call Jordan and tell him if you call McHale.

Larry: Maybe we should all get a show on the NBA network?

Isiah: What about that high school girls team that's lost like all it's games the past few years. I mean that has to be the perfect situation for someone like me cause they're used to losing.

Dolan: Barkeep, as much crack as you can fit into a highball glass and a pack of matches.

Isaiah: Ahh, who am I kidding. I've got a great job! The owner still wants me around, right Jim?

Dolan: Yeah, but Donnie Walsh might not.

Isiah: Should I be worried? Maybe saving my money?

Dolan: I wouldn't buy any shoes that were more than the new Starbury's.

Isiah: Ha! I hate that guy. Spending $15 bucks on an over the hill shoes is still too much for me. That'd be a horrible financial mistake.

Dolan: You should be used to that by now...Check Please!