FanNation

The scene opens with ten knights following their king along a narrow rocky track on the side of a ravine.  The king is speaking with one of the knights:

KpKahder:  ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.

Sneaky Pete: This new learning amazes me, Lady KpKahder.  Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

KpKahder:  Well...

IB4E:  What is THAT?

Sneaky Pete:  That is the Bridge of Death, and there is the Keeper of the Bridge of Death.  He asks each traveler five questions...

Oso:  Three questions.

Sneaky Pete:  Three questions.  Those who answer the five questions...

Oso:  Three questions.

Sneaky Pete:  Three questions...  may cross in safety. 

IB4E:  What if you get one of the questions wrong?

Sneaky Pete:  Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril! 

IB4E:  Oh great.  I haven't been this scared since I nearly fought the vicious Chicken of Bristol.

Sneaky Pete:  [sniffs the air and winces] Oh shut up and go change your armor!  Tim the Enchanter told me the Bridgekeeper gets cranky when large groups of knights approach him at once.  So, in my wisdom, I have decided that we will split into five groups... 

Oso:  Three groups.

Sneaky Pete:  Right, three groups.  The first group will consist of Sir Josh, Sir Dan, Sir Big Ben, and Lady Tracy.  The second group will consist of Sir IB4E, Sir Foosball, Sir Bschwartz, and Sir Harry Callahan.  The last group will consist of only five knights...

Oso:  Three knights.

Sneaky Pete:  Three knights:  Sir Oso, Lady KpKahder, and I. Sir Josh, lead your group to the Bridge of Death.  We shall stay behind and watch and pray.

Josh [leading his fellow knights to the bridge]:  Ah, if only we hadn't used the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch on that rabbit!

Dan:  Sir Josh, doesn't the Bridgekeeper bear a strong resemblance to Curly?

Josh:  Yes, it could be him.  Oh.  No.  I don't think that's Curly, because he's not drinking.  It's five O'clock in the afternoon and Curly would be well into one by now!

Bridgekeeper:  Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Josh:  Ask your questions, Bridgekeeper, I'm not afraid.

Bridgekeeper:  You will be, you will be...  What is the one area that your favorite NFL team needs the greatest improvement in?

Josh:  The Bears need to improve their offensive line...  But the offense as a whole could use all the TLC possible.

Dan:  The Redskins need to stay healthy. Injuries always hit where they're the weakest.

Big Ben:  The Redskins need more production from our Quarterback, Wide Receivers, and defensive line (besides Andre Carter who had double digit sacks last season).  If Jason Campbell can excel in the new west coast offense that Jim Zorn is bringing in and our receivers can stay healthy we could have a dangerous offense like in 2005.  Our current defensive line starters [besides Andre Carter] (Cornelius Griffin, Phillip Daniels, Anthony Montgomery, and Kedric Golston) need to step up their production or we need to find a defense end in free agency or the draft.  I'm not quite as worried about finding a defensive tackle since we have a decent rotation with the aforementioned names, but Daniels (at 34) needs to be replaced or step his game WAY up.  If Carter had a bookend defensive end to help him get pressure on the QB it would increase his sack numbers and would give our defensive tackles fewer blockers on them on a larger majority of plays.

Tracy:  The Patriots need depth on the D-line. We need some spring chickens.

Bridgekeeper:  If you could have a round table with five people associated with the NFL, past or present, whom would you choose?

Josh:  Walter Payton - Gotta talk to your hero.  Vince Lombardi and George Halas - I would like to hear what the legends have to say about today's game.  Peyton Manning - He just seems like he'd be fun to talk to.  Lovie Smith - Maybe, just maybe, if I could talk to him face to face I could understand what the heck he was thinking last season.

Dan:  Joe Gibbs - He's a guy anyone can learn something from.  I'd just make sure to steer clear of NASCAR as a conversation topic.  Warren Sapp - I've always wanted to have a conversation with him.  Every time I hear his name, I picture his huge self doing that jumping-up-and-down celebration.  Roger Goodell - If you get to pick an NFL brain, why not go to the top?   David Garrard - He seems to be such a quiet leader, yet a loud dresser.  He fascinates me.  Russ Grimm - He's been successful as a player and a position coach, and hopefully soon as a head coach.  Plus, I love the hogs!

Big Ben:  This question is almost too easy: Bill Walsh, Sean Taylor, Joe Gibbs, Scott Pioli, and Darrell Green.  I would want to sit down with Walsh and Gibbs just because of their offensive and coaching brilliance.  After talking with these guys for a couple hours I'd probably be three times more knowledgeable on offensive as well as defensive schemes.  The knowledge would just be overflowing.  I'd sit down with Pioli to learn the intricacies of drafting players and knowing the gems from the coal in both drafting and free agency.  This is another choice that would make me a better coach and football mind.  Lastly, I'd just like to meet Darrell Green and wish I could have met Sean Taylor.

Bridgekeeper [to himself]:  Almost too easy, eh?

Tracy:  Bill Belicheck & Vince Lombardi-they are two of the all-time best coaches and I would love to hear what they have to say.  I mean anything at all, even just to hear them order lunch!  Joe Montana & Terry Bradshaw-for the same reasons as the coaches, and a little eye candy never hurts!  Rodney Harrison-IMO he is one of the best safeties to ever play the game, and holds a lot of records to prove it. I know 99% of people will disagree with me but he's also my favorite player, ever since he played for San Diego. I really admire his style of play.

Bridgekeeper:  Have you dared to let anyone see you without makeup?

Josh:  Occasionally, I have ventured out into public without my face on...but I usually wear sunglasses and a baseball cap to hide my hideousness... Wait... Um... Nope, I don't wear makeup, ever.  You'll just strike that first part, right?

Bridgekeeper:  No.  Off you go then.

Josh [blushing]:  DANG!

Dan:  Just once.

Bridgekeeper:  Alright, off you go then.

Dan:  Somehow, I feel cheated.

Big Ben:  WHAT?  That's a STUPID question!  I refuse to answer it!  AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!  [Flies off the Bridge of Death into the Gorge of Eternal Peril]

Tracy:  I'll only let someone see me without makeup after they have seen me WITH make-up. It's a girl thing! [Bats her eyes and flips her hair]

Bridgekeeper:  Off you go then.  NEXT!

IB4E [leading his knights to the Bridge of Death]:  Gulp!  I've gone and done it again!

Bridgekeeper:  Stop. [Sniffs the air]  Ew, even stink would say that stinks.  Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. 

Bschwartz:  [Also sniffs the air] Oh that is just foul! Smells like carrots and vomit.

Bridgekeeper:  Do you think the 2007 NFL season showed that parity exists in the league?

IB4E:  Not last season. We had too many extremes, the Pats were perfect and the Fins were non-existent. Sure a couple of divisions were competitive, but that was it. When I think of parity, I think of it as all teams being nearly equal and the divisions all being tough to win.

Foosball:  Parity?  In some ways yes and in some ways no: You had parity in some divisions like the AFC South and NFC East where three out of the teams made the playoffs with the fourth place teams finishing at .500, but on the other end of the scale there is the AFC East where you have both the best and worst teams in football in the Pats and the Dolphins.

Bschwartz:  The 2007 season-without a doubt-showed parity. The Texans were 8-8 and two of the three worst teams from a year ago finished above .500.  I think the NCAA had a bit more parity this year, but all the same it was there.

Harry Callahan:  Sure there was parity.  Teams just have to know what they're doing, case in point New England; or you're a complete mess and will be for years to come, case in point Raiders.

Bridgekeeper:  Which young assistant coaches could be successful in 2008 as a head coach in the NFL?

IB4E:  Obviously, I think Jason Garrett will be a good one after another year or two. I think Spags in New York would be great.

Foosball:  Everyone talks about Garrett, but I would say that anyone under Belichick would find some measure of success given the right situation.

Bschwartz:  I like Kyle Shanahan in Houston, not just because he's Mike's kid, but when Houston played Denver he ABUSED any weakness that could be found in Denver's defense.  I wasn't even mad.  I was impressed.  And then there's Garrett, but I have my doubts about that guy.

Harry Callahan:  I like Kyle Shanahan, the offensive coordinator of the Texans; and Josh Mcdaniels, the offensive coordinator of the Patriots.

Bridgekeeper:  What was the first concert you went to see?

IB4E:  George Strait when he was still playing small venues.

Bridgekeeper:  Right!  Off you go, then.

Foosball:  I don't know...  AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!  [Flies off the Bridge of Death into the Gorge of Eternal Peril]

Bschwartz:  Umm... I want to say Warped Tour at some point, but don't quote me on that.

Bridgekeeper:  So, you don't really know?

Bschwartz:  Um...  Yes?

Bridgekeeper:  "Yes" you know, or "Yes" you don't really know?

Bschwartz:  Yes, I know.

Bridgekeeper:  Really?

Bschwartz:  Sure.

Bridgekeeper:  Fine.  You may pass.  But I've got my eye on you... 

Harry Callahan:  I saw Alice Cooper when I was fifteen and it was awesome.

Bridgekeeper:  Right!  Off you go, then.

Sneaky Pete:  Forward, knights!  I say, Sir Oso, doesn't the Keeper of the Bridge of Death closely resemble Curly?

Oso:  Who's Curly? I think he looks more like Moe with that haircut.

Sneaky Pete:  Never mind.

Bridgekeeper:  Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sneaky Pete:  Ask us your five questions!

Bridgekeeper:  Three questions. 

Sneaky Pete:  Three questions.  Man that shtick is getting old...

Bridgekeeper:  Should the Super Bowl be played in the northern stadiums?

KpKahder:  Yes. Absolutely. The Super Bowl is played in venues like Arizona, Florida, California, and Los Angeles for the fans that wear suits and ties. Play the damn game where the people who SUPPORT and PAY for the teams buy the tickets.  That's always been a HUGE beef of mine.

Oso:  Considering the miserable temperatures that ensued in Jacksonville, the rains in Miami, and now the freezing cold in the desert of Arizona, are there benefits to having the Super Bowl in southern climates?  I mean, aside from a pleasant place for those able to shell hundreds to thousands of dollars to be able to go to the festivities and the game? Give the northern cities a shot at the revenue!

Sneaky Pete:  Yes.  Football was never meant to be just a fair weather sport for the players, coaches, or the fans.  However, northern stadiums will continue to be snubbed in the name of marketing and revenue.  All hail the almighty dollar!

KpKahder & Oso [in unison]:  Hail!  Hail!  Hail!

Bridgekeeper:  What is the one area that your favorite NFL team needs the greatest improvement in?

KpKahder:  Are you kidding? We're the New England Patriots! We don't have an area that needs any improving!

Bridgekeeper: WRONG!  Off with you!  Darn uppity Patriots fans!

KpKahder:  AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!  [Flies off the Bridge of Death into the Gorge of Eternal Peril]

Oso:  Coaching. The Eagles coaching staff (mainly Andy Reid) need to get their proverbial heads out of the sand, unclench, and let the players go do their jobs. When Reid is on his game and thinking clearly, the Eagles have great seasons.  But other thing they need to improve is their commitment to the running game.  Even if it's a 60/40 proposition where McNabb or Kolb is chucking the rock all day long, they need to keep defenses honest with the run and giving the ball to their greatest weapon: Brian Westbrook.

Sneaky Pete:  The Bears need to improve in the area of drafting offensive players and the development of said draft picks.

Bridgekeeper:  What was the first concert you went to see?

Oso:  I don't know.  AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!  [Flies off the Bridge of Death into the Gorge of Eternal Peril]

Sneaky Pete:  What do you mean?  The first comedy concert I ever went to see or the first music concert I went to see?

Bridgekeeper:  What?  I don't know?  AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!  [Flies off the Bridge of Death into the Gorge of Eternal Peril]

KpKahder [echoing up from the Gorge of Eternal Peril]:  I went to see a WRKO Christmas concert with The Bay City Rollers, Shaun Cassidy and Andy Gibb.

Sneaky Pete: You know, Lady KpKahder, I was going to put together an expedition to rescue all the knights who fell into the Gorge, but after you hearing THAT, I've changed my mind!

Big Ben:  So what concert did you first go to, my liege?

Sneaky Pete:  What do you mean?  The first comedy concert I ever went to see or the first music concert I went to see?

Big Ben:  I don't...   I mean, why don't you just tell me about both?

Sneaky Pete:  The first comedy concert I went to see was Eddie Murphy, circa 1985.  It was the stand-up routine that eventually became the movie "Eddie Murphy: Raw."  It was pretty good.  The first music concert I went to see was Run DMC and the Beastie Boys at the Rosemont Horizon (before it was named whatever the hell it's named now).  THAT show marked the first time I had to walk through a metal detector, but it was worth it!

Dan:  How did you get through the metal detector with your armor?

Sneaky Pete:  I don't know.  AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!  [Flies off the Bridge of Death into the Gorge of Eternal Peril]

Josh:  Well, that's that then.

IB4E:  Should we get some rope and try to get them out?

Josh:  Isn't that a White Castle on yonder hill?

IB4E:  Why yes it is.

Josh:  You hungry?

IB4E:  Why yes I am.

Josh:  I think they can wait a bit longer in the name of sliders, don't you?

IB4E:  Why yes I do!

Harry Callahan:  Did someone say sliders? 

Tracy:  I hate sliders, but maybe I'll get myself a shake...

Sneaky Pete [echoing up from the Gorge of Eternal Peril]:  WAIT!  You can't leave us!  It's all misty and something down here reeks like raw penguin meat!

Oso:  [Urp!]  My bad.

Josh [shouting down into the Gorge of Eternal Peril]:  Don't worry; maybe I'll bring you guys back a few sliders... 

Sneaky Pete [echoing up from the Gorge of Eternal Peril]:  Sir Josh, wait!  Sir Josh!

KpKahder:  Serves you right!  You mean to tell me The Bay City Rollers, Shaun Cassidy and Andy Gibb aren't worthy of a rescue; but Run DMC and the Beastie Boys are?

Sneaky Pete:  Well...  Hey!  ECHO!  Echo!  Echo...  ECHO!  Echo!  Echo...  I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Big Ben:  [sigh] I wonder if our next king will be any better than the last two?

Foosball:  Don't bet on it.

Fin

Roundtable Members:            

Big Ben68

BSchwartz07

Dan TM is Stupendous Man

Foosball

Harry Callahan

i B4 e: duck hunting

Josh

KPKahder - Less than 20 hours

Oso Chillin' w/ Cubs* BS-CB

Sneaky Pete - NIU

Tracy00214- Darth Talon

Directed by:

40 SPECIALLY TRAINED ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS

6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS

142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS

14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)

REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON

76000 BATTERY LLAMAS FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY