FanNation

 People are always coming up to me on the street and asking things like,

"How did you get so awesomely amazing?"
"How did you grow that manly beard?"
"Where did you get that turkey leg?"
"Do you know Chuck Norris?"
and
"How did you get so amazingly awesome?"

Literally, always.  They're never not asking me.  Now being the nice guy I am, I try to get to each and every one- but come on, who has time for that?  The truth is, I've achieved my current success through long years of study and dedication.  It took a lot of hard work.  But along the way, I realized that success left unshared is like Dubble Bubble bubble gum.  It starts out so good, and allows you to do big things.  But as time goes by, the sweetness disappears, and you're left with a wad of flavorless dissatisfaction.

Those who know me best know how much I hate wads.  So, I've decided to share what I've learned for the betterment of FN humanity.  Last week, I began with a blog about how to be a clown, not an assclown.  Consider this to be volume II of that ongoing tutorial.  That's right.  I'm formally inviting all of you to join me at: 

For the next couple of months or so (barring summer school for you slower folks), we'll go through an intensive program, learning the ins and outs of clownitude.  Being a PhD level Sarcastic Jerkass, I humbly offer my skills and knowledge as guidance on this journey.  Assisting me along the way will be my fellow learn-ed fools and various guest speakers. 

Now I know what you're thinking. 

Awww, man Porkins.  I don't wanna go to college.  Can't I just drink Schlitz and work at the gas station like the old man?

Listen, kid- nothing can replace a good education.  At the same time, I recognize that the sweet, sweet 30% discount on Skoal is too much to pass up entirely.  So why not do both?  Attend FN Clown College via blog, on your time.  We're like the University of Phoenix.  Except we don't suck.

<Well, I had a great SImpsons clip to go in here, but apparently its posting on YoutTube violated copyright law and it's been removed.  La-Di-Dah.>

Thanks for ruining my blog, You Tube.  Oh well. Clowns are still funny.  Agreed?  Good.

Now that we've settled the importance of this program, I would like to officially wlecome you all to Fannation's Clown College Orientation.  Without further ado, may I introduce your orientation speaker...

...Me.

(ZING!  See what I did there?  I hope you're taking notes already.)

Anyhoo, thank you all for coming.  These next few blogs will be a seminal time in your lives.  You will grow, learn, and change, all on your way to acheiving your full potential.  Next week we will begin with Fall Semester, Freshman Year.  The syllabus includes (but is not limited to)-

Clowning 101: Responsible Humor
Fanhood 101: Know your sports
Intro to Commentary

We at FN Clown College take great pride in our interactive nature.  That, and our ability to out-dis the compeition in yo-momma-so-fat contests.  But mainly our interactive nature.  I would ask all of you to feel free to submit ideas for course topics, requests for quest speakers and interviews, and random thoughts and criticisms.

So visit the bookstore, send your parents packing, and get ready for a roller-coaster ride towards graduation.  On behalf of myself and the other Deans and Officers of the College,  I'll see you all in class next week.