FanNation - The Republic of Sport

It's a bird--it's a plane--it's Zambrano!?!

The strange saga of the Chicago Cubs just keeps getting stranger. It is reported that Carlos Zambrano's Red Bull addiction has escalated to an all-time high. Today the Cub's "Ace" reportedly drank 10 cans of the highly popular caffeinated beverage Red Bull, ran several laps around the bullpen and then suddenly blasted off like he was on the launch pad at Cape Canaveral.

Cubs medical staff had previously warned Zambrano of the adverse effects of his overindulgence in highly caffeinated drinks like coffee and Red Bull. They believe the pitcher's recent forearm cramping may be a direct result of the pitcher's pre-game routine of guzzling up to 7 energy drinks before his starts, then streaking toward the mound like a bullet train on meth.

"It gives you wings" said Cubs first baseman Derrick Lee. "Everyone knew it was just a matter of time. I've seen all the ‘Red Bull gives you wings' commercials during Sports Center. It makes dogs fly, angels fly, old ladies can fly to heaven and smack their husbands, that damn stuff makes genies come to life!"

Zambrano shot skyward out of the bullpen with 2 outs in the 8th, both frightening fans and players alike and even causing his own teammate Kosuke Fukudome to scream "Mothra! Mothra!" and abandon his outfield post for the safety of the visiting team's dugout.*

Manager "Sweet Lou" Piniella was then called onto the field by umpires to try and coax the now caffeine fueled Zambrano back to the ground. After 15 minutes of screaming obscenity laced tirades that ranged from insults about not coming through for his team and ended with a story of what a jackass Icarus had been, Lou still didn‘t seem to have made any headway. However it seemed the pitcher had had enough and he started firebombing the Cub's skipper with a barrage of Rawlings baseballs before finally sailing up over the right field bleachers and out of sight.

The embarrassing scene led to a minor delay, as the grounds crew had to be called out to clear the field of the extra baseballs and empty Red Bulls cans. During the delay Cubs players discussed the miraculous scene they had just witnessed.

Ryan Dempster became most vocal after having a moment to take it all in:

"That was just like in the commercial! What if a fan had been drinking Colt 45 and that big ass blue bull would have come crashing through the ivy? They could have gone bull for bull--that would have been sick! Oh man, what if Billy Dee Williams would have come crashing through the wall and given me a hug!?! Holy crap, that would have been better than 10 swimsuit models throwing out the first pitch!"

Some players who weren't as enthusiastic about Lando Calrissian crashing through right field like the Kool-Aid Man merely speculated where he might have fluttered off to.

" Maybe the market to get more Red Bull? Then after that he probably just flew back home" remarked catcher Geovany Soto, who was remarkably calm throughout the preceding events. "It was grow wings and fly away or he was gonna get so amped on caffeine that he'd throw his arm completely off his body, over home plate and into the first row someday soon. This was probably best case scenario."

No word on Zambrano's exact coordinates at this time, but it is believed he is probably at home resting up for his next start or Rocketmaning it up in the skies of San Diego looking for Michael Barrett. Once he's picked up on radar, he'll be escorted back to Chicago and rested at home until he ready feels ready for his next start.

And one thing is for sure according to Piniella, Carlos will be switching to decaf. "You bet your ass. We're gonna start calling him Sanka."

* not a joke at Fukodome's expense it's a joke at Mothra's expense. I happen be a "Fukudomer" which is a Fukudome fan. And yes I just made that term up.

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