15. Orlando Magic - Shawn Marion Hey, Billy Donovan, you're going to love this guy. He jumps like a kangaroo on steroids, and he plays great def - what? It's Stan Van Gundy now? Okay, well Mr. Van Gundy, like I was saying, he can really sto - Donovan again? No? Oh, who cares anymore.
16. Washington Wizards - Chris Bosh Fans boo this pick loudly. They all want Agent Zero (Gilbert Arenas) back. They don't realize, though, that Bosh has quietly blossomed into a star in Toronto. Does anyone even know that this guy made the All-NBA second team?
17. New Jersey Nets - Gilbert Arenas Upon being drafted by the Nets, Arenas vows to score 200 points against each one of the 16 teams that declined to draft him. On at least 2 of them, he actually does.
18. Golden State Warriors - Carlos Boozer The Warriors watched Boozer torment the innards of their defense in the Western semis, and were struck with an epiphany: "Say," they think, "what if we -call me crazy- had a big man for ourselves? Wouldn't that be something?"
19. Los Angeles Lakers- Kevin Durant The Lakers could have gone the "proven" route and taken the likes of Tracy McGrady, but decide to inject hope into their increasingly down-trodden fan base. "This kid is freakin' insane!" Shouts Jack Nicholson. "I can watch the Lakers again, man!" Someone throws their nacho cheese at him.
20. Miami Heat - Tracy McGrady T-Mac goes down south, and Heat fans can look forward to another 6 to 8 years of losing in the first round.
21. Denver Nuggets - Deron Williams Williams is tough, mature beyond his age, and an excellent passer and decision maker. He makes more good passes by himself in one game than A.I and Carmelo make over the course of an entire season.
22. Toronto Raptors - Jermaine O'Neal The fans are bummed to lose Bosh. Raptors officials assure them, however, that O'Neal is essentially the same player as Bosh, just older, a little winier, and slightly less, um... good.
23. Chicago Bulls - Carmelo Anthony The Bulls draft Anthony, but put a clause in his contract stating that all guarantees are voided unless he "stops hanging out with the wrong crowd."
24. Cleveland Cavaliers - O.J Mayo Suicide rate in Cleveland goes up 25% after LeBron goes to Seattle. But the Cavaliers pick the second coming of LeBron in high-school phenom Mayo, who would be in a wide-open 1-2-3 debate with Durant and Oden if not for the NBA's age limit. He's got experts all over picking big things for USC this season, and, barring injury, will go #1 in the '08 draft.
25. Utah Jazz - Chauncey Billups The Jazz liked what they had in Deron Williams, so they take a player of a similar mold in Billups. Billups is a clutch shooter, a good passer, and a solid defender, and he's already been a Finals MVP.
26. Houston Rockets - Baron Davis Davis shot his way into the first round of the draft in the Dallas upset. When he gets hot, he'll make jumpers until his team has won the game. "But for cryin' out loud," Rockets officials say. "We'll cut you in preaseason if you don't shave that awful beard!"
27. Detroit Pistons - Jason Kidd Kidd is good enough to have gone in the lottery, but he's only got about 2 or 3 good seasons left. Still, he's the most attractive option left for Flip and the Pistons. The city is reasonably pleased with the pick, but somehow Rasheed Wallace manages to get upset about it.
28. San Antonio Spurs - Manu Ginobili The Spurs, desperate to hold on to some semblance of their 2000s mini-dynasty, probably reach a little for Ginobili. But nonetheless, he's a proven offensive talent, and Gregg Popovich could coach the Teletubbies to 50 wins.
29. Phoenix Suns - Paul Pierce Pierce weeps with joy after getting out of Boston, and landing with a high-scoring, fast-paced team like Phoenix, where his offensive wizardry will be utilized and appreciated.
30. Dallas Mavericks - Vince Carter "I'm thinking we should go with a good defensive guy, somebody who's gonna make all the hustle plays. Somebody like Tayshaun Prince," squeals Avery Johnson. "Yeah," Mark Cuban grins, patting him on the head. "Whatever you say, little buddy."