'Ey Capernicus' Blog

The Divine Comedy is a comedy written by Dante, it was written sometime between 1308 and 1321. It detailed Dante's journeys through Hell (Inferno), Purgatory (Purgatorio), and Heaven (Paradiso). In Hell he saw his enemies and he mocked them, then he goes to Purgatory, then to Heaven where he sees the people he loves. Here is my version of the Divine Comedy, but about sports. In this poem there were three line stanzas where the first and last lines would rhyme and the middle line would rhyme with the first and third of the next stanza.



During a yet another humdrum day
A famous man came to me.
It was Hank Aaron and he came to say:

"Follow me and I will let you see
Who, in sports, is good and bad."
And so I went, following with glee.

He brought me to sport's Hell and I was glad
To see none other than Barry Bonds
Standing there, slowly going mad.

He deserved to be here with the Devil's pawns
Because of what he did to ruin baseball.
I was happy he would not see anymore dawns.

Next there was Mark McGuire, no longer standing tall.
For he was another who attributed
To the beginning of baseball's sad fall.

He was not even given a crumb of bread.
"Serves you right!"
And that is what I said.

None here in sport's hell would put up a fight
With even a little child, half their size.
Sosa was here, now without his great might.

He used steroids to gain the prize
Of being baseball's homerun king.
Now he is here, not much of a surprise.

Next Is A-Rod, still without a ring,
Because he is on the Yankees.
He can't get it done, despite his great swing.

No longer will their eyes rest upon teh trees.
They will not see the months of Autumn,
And therefore, no more falling leaves.

Roger Clemens claims he had B-12 in the bum.
If this is true then why is he here?
He was on steroids, that lying scum.

Unfortunately I was in for a scare
Because Bill Belichick of the Pats
Was another one there.

He smelled so bad he was surrounded by gnats.
He was sentenced here for Spygate.
Now he was always being attacked by pesky rats.

The entire Steinbrenner family stood by Hell's gate
Because they were owners of the Evil Empire.
Now the Inferno is their eternal fate.

And now we leave this place of fire.
Thankfully Hank leads me out and
I am happy for these ugly sights make me tire.



Here we arrive in Purgatory
Where many souls await
To ascend to the top and reach that place of glory.

"These players are not yet great,
But all they do is hope that
Heaven will be their ultimate fate.

Until that moment they stay down pat,
In this hopefully penultimate resting place."
Hank Aaron says as he plays with his bat.

And here I see the familiar face
Of Mike Lowell, the third baseman.
Lowell can play and he fielded with grace.

I am sure that Lowell can
Make it into sport's version of Heaven.
Hank then left and after him I ran.

Next I saw the once Baltimore Raven.
He goes by the name Adalius Thomas.
The current Patriot hopes to avoid a cave-in.

He came to New England with much promise
Of sacking the quarterback and making plays,
But he is still proving himself after that perfect season near miss.

I'm sure that everyday he prays
that he will ascend to the next level.
Hopefully he'll do that in his remaining days.

The next sight was not something in which I revel
For it was the Celtic's Big Three
Who are trying to avoid a first round crumble.

If they lose they will go to sports Hell,
If they win they ascend to the top.
I pray they do not join those who fell.

Hank Aaron, however, does not stop
And I must follow him and keep going on.
At our last destination I'll see the cream of the crop.



I enter this Heaven and right away
I see faces who filled me with joy.
And whom I wished to meet everday.

There is Tom Brady! Oh, boy!
Super Bowls? He brought us three.
Following him was a large convoy.

Next in line was Davod Ortiz, Big Papi!
He gained passage to here when
He helped the Sox come back from a defecit of three.

The Celtic's heros came then.
There was Russell and Bird.
There were at least ten!

They walked by and that's when I heard
The voice of one of the greatest hitters ever.
It was Ted Williams and he was like a shepherd

Because following him there were
Tons of players from Red Sox history.
The excitement made everything a blur.

There were all time greats like Barry.
Barry Sanders, that is. Along with
Wilt, holding a basketball which he would always carry.

These players were not even a fifth
of the total I saw this day with Hank.
I don't have time to name even a tenth.

There was the Fridge, he was a tank.
I saw Magic Johnson, a true great.
For all of this I had Aaron to thank.

I saw Tedy Bruschi and another teammate,
Mike Vrabel was his name.
Yes, the one from Ohio State.

Earlier this morning I thought today would be lame.
I could not have been more wrong.
I have met all players worthy of fame.

I turned to Aaron who was in the middle of a throng
Of famous players all surrounding him.
In fact, the time that they did that had been long.

"Why do they bow to you, tending to your every whim?"
I asked this question, foolishly.
Hank Aaron laughed, interrupting his whistled hymn.

I wondered why that question made him laugh heartily.
Then he answered saying "For I am God,
I am the king of this Heaven." He said simply.


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