FanNation - The Republic of Sport

Edgar and BS stand outside of the studio door going over some last minute notes before the show begins.

BS: Well we have to talk about something.
EDGAR: Yeah, but this isn’t something.  It’s congress dragging their nuts in places they shouldn’t be.
BS: It’s a relevant sports topic, that’s all I’m saying.  It’s not like we’re talking about Nascar or something.
EDGAR:  Well, you have a point I suppose--

Josh approaches.  He’s casually flipping through an issue of Entertainment Weekly, featuring an interview of Kate Winslet.

JOSH: (Strolling by not breaking his gait.) Can I see the two of you in my office?
BS: Since when do you have an office?
EDGAR: You mean the storage closet?

They two follow Josh into the mens room.  Josh walks into a stall closing the door  behind him.  

JOSH: Please, have a seat.
BS: No, I think we’re fine standing.
EDGAR: Thank you.

Edgar sits in a urinal.

EDGAR: (quietly to BS) You’d think with all that money they got from Goodell, they could have at least bought more comfortable chairs for the office.
BS: So, Josh, what is this all about?  You aren’t... firing us, are you?
EDGAR: WHAT?! I couldn’t go back to being a normal person on FanNation.  Just another one of those regular peons, that no one cares about--
JOSH: Believe me Edgar, no one cares about you now.  But no, I’m not firing you.
EDGAR: Whew.
BS: Then can you tell us what this is all about?
JOSH: I’ve been going over some numbers... it’s not looking good.  You guys just aren’t moving along as we’d hoped--
EDGAR: Well, we’ll try harder, just give us a second chance.  I mean you can’t just cancel us, I mean what would have happened if they didn’t give Cheers a second chance after their first season bombed?  I’ll tell you what, we wouldn’t have had Frasier, or George Wendt, or...or... MADE IN AMERICA!! THINK OF WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO WHOOPI’S CAREER! JUST THINK OF IT!!
BS: Whoa, whoa, settle down there killer.  Did you forget to take your ritalin this morning?
JOSH: Relax.  You guys have contracts.  Besides, Dan and I are far to lazy to find replacements much less do the show ourselves again.  We’ve tried going with the hard core sports angle, and well... that’s just not working.  We tried a sober angle... and that’s just not working.  We tried the drunk off your butts angle, and well thats not working.
BS: So what else can we try.
EDGAR: Maybe we could try going for a whole new market-- How about the “Decorative Tapestry Hour?”
JOSH: Yeah, not quite what we’re looking for.
BS: Gayo.
JOSH: Why don’t you guys play the messages we got over the week, over on the answering machine on my desk.

Edgar gets up from the urinal and crosses over to the sink, pressing the button on the answering machine, that sits just next to a name plate and a photo of Josh’s family.  

ANSWERING MACHINE: You have nine new messages.
BS: That’s better than I thought.
ANSWERING MACHINE: First Message;  Hi, this is G.O.A.T.  I had a question for the friday debates.  Just wondering who you guys thought would win the NBA Championship.  Thanks.
EDGAR: Diamondbacks.
BS: It’s basketball you idiot.
EDGAR:  Thats still going?
ANSWERING MACHINE: Second Message; Hi, this is an important message for the home owner--- message deleted.
BS: Crap call.
JOSH: HEY! I was gonna save that.
BS: Sorry.
ANSWERING MACHINE: Third Message; Hey, G.O.A.T. again.  Another question.  Who is more valuable to their team; Kobe Bryant or CP3.  Can’t wait for Friday.
BS: Ball Hog Kobe
EDGAR: I dunno, without C3PO, R2 might not have reached Ben Kenobi with Leia’s message.  And NO ONE would have known what he was saying--
BS: Wow, you really are an idiot.
JOSH: Clearly.  Luke had that translator thing in the X-Wing that made him able to communicate with R2-D2.  C3PO was holding everyone back.
ANSWERING MACHINE: Fourth Message; This is BigBen.  You two suck.  Josh, Dan, if you’re hearing this, come back.  PLEASE!
BS: Wow, sucks that he’d call just to mock us.
EDGAR:  I really hope there’s no more like that.  My sensitive ego couldn’t take another call like that one.
JOSH: You might want to skip the next three, then.
BS: Ouch.
ANSWERING MACHINE: Message Eight; Hey there BS and Edgar, it’s IAM. question and a comment.  What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?  And my comment is Bison usually reach an average weight of one ton.
EDGAR: Easy.  Eleven meters per second, and that’s pretty F’ing big.
BS: Not really debatable.
ANSWERING MACHINE: Message Nine; BigBen one more ti-- Message deleted.  No more messages.
BS: Okay, so... what’s your point?
JOSH: In the simplest way that I can put it, either no one likes your show so far or no one cares.  I know you guys have been having some trouble, BS, I know life hasn’t been easy... But we gotta do something to fix this sinking ship.
BS: So what exactly are you proposing?
JOSH: First and foremost, I told Huggies and Revlon to shove it.  I’ll finance the show with some of the Goodell money, at least until you two start getting some fresh advertising.  Second; There’s Sam Adams and Jack Daniels waiting for you two in the studio, get ripped.
BS: YES!
EDGAR: I AM ALREADY!
BS: Let’s get to the show!
EDGAR: YEAH!
JOSH: Guys, there’s one more thing.
BS: Uh-oh.
JOSH: I hired a celebrity co-host.
BS: That’s no big deal, I mean as long as it’s not someone like Dane Cook.  That guy makes me want to punch baby seals.
JOSH: Yeah, not Dane Cook.  
EDGAR: Who?
JOSH: He’s probably in the studio already.  Why don’t you see for yourself.-- Hey could one of you guys pass some toilet paper under the stall?
BS: (Looking at his watch) Oh crap we’re late!

Edgar slides a roll of toilet paper under the stall.

Moments later BS and Edgar are just outside of the door of the studio once again.  BS pauses as he grabs the door knob.

BS: Edgar I can’t help but feel that this is the start of a whole new show.
EDGAR: Me too...  Hold me.

BS quickly punches Edgar in the gut.

BS: No.  That’s a bad wombat.  NO.
EDGAR: Sorry...ugh... my fault.  UGH....totally misread the moment.
BS: You ready?
EDGAR: Lets do it.

BS opens the door.

BS: Oh Fu**.

Standing over an open chest is a tall lanky dufus with poofy red hair.

CARROT TOP: HEY! You must be Edgar and BS!  So excited to be here.  Let’s get ROLLING!

Carrot Top holds up a dinner roll.  Edgar proceeds immediately to the liquor in the corner, grabs a bottle of Jack and proceeds to down a quarter of the bottle.  

BS: Good call, Beer me.

Edgar tosses BS a beer.  He chugs it all the way down.

BS: (looking at Carrot Top, who is unpacking multiple props) Again.

Edgar tosses him another beer, which he proceeds to chug.

BS: One more.

Edgar tosses him another one, which is chugged as well.

CARROT TOP: Easy guys, you don’t want to get too PLASTERED.

He holds up a piece of dry-wall.

BS: (to Edgar) I may have to kill him, you know that, right?
EDGAR: I dunno, I think he’s kinda funny.
BS: Here, let me try that then.

BS grabs the Jack and proceeds to drink half the bottle.  

CARROT TOP: Uh-oh, looks like someone’s gonna need a STOMACH-PUMP.

He holds up a bicycle pump attached to a rubber stomach.

EDGAR: AHAHAHAHHAHA!  This guy is freaking hysterical.
BS: Well, that didn’t help.  He’s still retarded.
EDGAR: I think he’s funny-- Wait, which one are you talking about?
BS: Take your pick.
EDGAR: Maybe we should just start then.
CARROT TOP: Let’s get to DE-BAIT-ing!

He pulls out a fishing rod and starts taking a worm off of the hook.

BS: You know, this is a blog-- err... a radio show.  Site gags don’t work that well.
CARROT TOP: What?  Really?
EDGAR: Yep.  I just sat in a urinal earlier.  Not as funny when you couldn’t see it...trust me.
CARROT TOP: I had such good ones ready for the show... Now what am I going to do with my cockblock?
BS: You could leave it in Dan’s mailbox.
EDGAR: BS it’s time to start.
BS: Crap You’re right.

The two sit down and get ready.  They flip the switches and they’re underway.

BS: Good Day Mates, and Welcome to the Friday Debates Down Under.  I am BS “Kangaroo” Chwartz.
EDGAR: And I am Edgar “Wombat” Von Awesome.  And boy do we have a surprise in store for you.
BS: That’s right joining us in our studio is the always... ummm... trying to be funny... often irritating, never imitated, CARROT TOP!
CARROT TOP: Um, hi.  Thanks for... having me.
BS: Is something wrong their Carrot Head?
CARROT TOP: No, I mean not really.... I just... I don’t know what to do-- without my props I mean.
BS: Well, you knew this was a radio blog, why would you wanna come on it?
CARROT TOP: I dunno, for the HALIBUT!
EDGAR: AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! MAN! Our listening audience is missing comic gold.
BS: Yeah.  Something like that.  Look, if you’re gonna keep up the shtick could you at least use props that don’t smell like they just came out of Josh’s armpits?
CARROT TOP:  Hey, I was just trying to be FUN-E!
EDGAR: AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
BS: God, I need another drink.
EDGAR: Me too.
BS: I guess we should at least mention some sports.  We have a question here from a listener.  It says “Hi, this is G.O.A.T.--” Jesus, does anyone else care about our show?  
EDGAR: I do, BS.  I do.  Isn’t that the most important thing?
BS: Well counting you, me and G.O.A.T., we’re up to two.  G.O.A.T. says, “Is LeBron a good player in a slump right now or is he proving that he is too inexperienced and young to be a dominant postseason player?”  Who wants to start?
CARROT TOP: I think he’s just stuck in a full COURT DRESS!
EDGAR: AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!!
BS: You’re stretching, Beet Top.
EDGAR:  Well, if I may offer my expert opinion.  As someone who hasn’t watched a bit of the playoffs, I agree with whatever you say BS.
BS: Okay.  Well, I’ll just say, I wouldn’t say after what he did last year that he’s “too young and inexperienced”.  There’s going to be times in everyones career where a player is struggling.  It’s a bad time right now, but even with his struggles, the Cavs are doing alright and are still in the series.  I say yes.  What was the question?
EDGAR: I agree.
CARROT TOP:  I think he’s playing SHORT of his POTENTIAL!
EDGAR: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
BS: Wait, you didn’t even hold anything up, you just over annunciated “short” and “potential”.
CARROT TOP: I make no X-Q-ses for my jokes.
EDGAR: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!! I know funny, and you sir, you are funny.
BS: Okay.  Lets just talk some baseball.
EDGAR: ooooh.  Yeah, I like baseball.
BS: Okay, couple days ago, Manny Ramirez made a remarkable catch in Baltimore going back on a ball deep--
EDGAR:  Going deep... hehehehehehehe
BS: Wow.  Anyways, he proceeded to climb the wall after the catch and slap some guy in the stands hand and then throws the ball in, where they eventually double a guy up off of first.  What do we think, useless show boating or just plain fun.
CARROT TOP: Either way, I think he has a great BAT.
BS: I hope that thing gives you rabies and you die.
EDGAR: I say useless showboating.  It looked to me that he made the conscious effort to run to the wall, it wasn’t his momentum.  He lost a lot of valuable time that COULD have bit them in the butt--
CARROT TOP: Wheres your prop?
EDGAR: What?
CARROT TOP: You accentuated a word, where’s your prop?
EDGAR: Oh, I just did it for emphasis.  How could “could” be a prop gag?
CARROT TOP: Hear I got it right here...
EDGAR: AHAHHAHAHAHA! That’s “could” alright!
BS: HA! Gotta hand it to you, that one is pretty good.
EDGAR: Hey, I have a question for debate...
BS: REALLY?!  Awesome, lets hear it.
EDGAR: The Rays have signed Evan Longoria to an unheard of nine year contract, and now have inked an  extension with Scott Kazmir. They sit atop the East with an American League best record.  Who the hell do they think they are?
BS: You know, I thought you were really formulating something there, right up until that last moment... then you lost me.
EDGAR: Oh come on! What I’m asking, is this a fluke?  All the young talent, that they’re actually starting to tie up long term... what’s become of the perennial joke of the Major Leagues?
BS: They’ve actually started investing in a team.  They will be a good team.  But are you asking if I think this will hold?  Than no.  Their lead in the division is about as fragile as your self esteem.
EDGAR: What are you talking about, I have a great self esteem.
BS: Your hair looks stupid today.
EDGAR: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?! I HAVEN’T EVER DONE ANYTHING TO YOU!  I TRY TO BE A GOOD PERSON!  I’M A GOOD PERSON.... AREN’T I?!
BS: It’s okay, it’s okay, settle down.  Your hair is fine, it matches your face.
EDGAR: *Sniff* okay.  Thanks.
CARROT TOP: Hey, at least your not an EGG-nora-MOOSE!
BS: I’m gonna kill him soon.
CARROT TOP: Whoa, settle down there HOT-HEAD!!
EDGAR: AHAHAHAHAHA!!
BS: This your last chance Pube Top.
CARROT TOP: Okay, okay, calm down.  Don’t get UNRAVEL-- *THUD*
EDGAR: Ah, Jeez.  Not again.  BS, can we do one show that doesn’t end in you punching someone out?
BS: I gave him fair warning.
EDGAR: Uh... his leg looks all twitchy...there’s definitely blood coming out of his mouth... maybe we should take him to the hospital.
BS: Aw, do we have to?
EDGAR: Yeah, it’s the humane thing to do.  We could just leave him outside the emergency room with a note though.
BS: Fine.
EDGAR: Well, thanks for joining us this week ladies and gentlemen.  As always feel free to FanMail either of us with questions or comments.  For the Friday Debate Down Under, I am Edgar “Wombat” Von Awesome.
BS: And I am BS “Kangaroo” Chwartz.
EDGAR: We’d like to thank our guest today, Carrot Top, and hope he won’t press charges.  Thanks for listening.  Have a great week!
BS: You grab his legs....