Met-aphorically Speaking
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Jerry, you traitorous ****. Instead of staying true to your colors like your buddies Chris Rock, Kevin James, Tim Robbins, Hilary “Seabiscuit” Swank and even Viggo freakin’ Mortensen, you became just another Hollywood front runner.

Fine.

It wasn’t even that long ago that we’d see you at Shea on a regular basis. You used to come to games when we were winning, wearing a faded blue cap with worn out orange stitching, and we loved you for it. You’d sit in your box seats, surrounded by the same three celebrities, answering the same three questions from local broadcasters. But now that we’re struggling, you’re suddenly not around as much.

Fine.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, considering that halfway through your show’s run as TV’s leading sitcom, you quietly moved the Mets hat out of your fictional apartment, and replaced it with that other interlocking “NY”…

Fine.

It’s even less surprising considering the only time you really openly supported the Mets was to ride out a tired site gag about Keith Hernandez, Roger McDowell and those knuckle-dragging troglodytes Kramer and Newman.

 

Fine.

But I won’t stand for this.

You go to a game in another city? Great…awesome…have a goddamned blast… Buy all the souvenirs you want, and wear them proudly in the confines of your own home. But don’t (I repeat, DON’T) become a PR shill for another team’s media department. That photo above just reeks of personal favors and marketing ploys. You’re supposed to be better than this.

Wearing a Cubs cap in Wrigley implies to the world that you’ve shifted allegiances. And since the Cubs are suddenly hot and leading their division, you (or any celebrity) wearing that team’s colors isn’t cool anymore. It just shows that you’re not a real fan, but rather just another wash out riding a popularity train with the rest of Hollywood’s lowest common denominators.

A true baseball fan would have known this, Jerrold.

And the icing on this phony-ass cake? The fact that you’re either too lazy to remove the stickers or too stupid to know that middle-aged comedians can — and should — not pretend to be gangsta. You’re old, past your prime, unfunny and lame. Be happy with that while you count your unearned millions.

And Jerry, if you’ve made it this far, and you have at least one funny bone left in your body, you’ll realize that this is the stupidest non-issue anyone has ever written about. I should give less than a **** about whether you wear a Mets cap, Cubs socks or a Marlins man-siere. The truth is, the only bad thing that came from all this “controversy” is that it showed just how little newsworthy material is coming from Queens these days. Which is probably why you don’t seem to be around Shea nearly as much as you used to be.

So, honestly, you can take your badly curved Cubs fitted, and shove it directly up your rosy Costanza. Come back to us when you’re ready to be a Mets fan again.

…but please, leave Seabiscuit at home.

 

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