Met-aphorically Speaking

The following comments are in response to recent events surrounding the New York Mets:

Mike Pelfrey SUCKS. I don’t give a golden **** about his “stuff.” When you follow up a gem of a game by throwing batting practice to the Atlanta Braves, you suck and don’t deserve to continue starting on a team that’s supposed to compete.

Pelfrey needs Mapquest and a guide donkey to find the strike zone, and when he actually does, it’s with flat, lifeless fastballs that quickly find their way out of the park. Mets management — how many times do you have to get hit on the head before you realize it hurts? Mike Pelfrey is a middle reliever at best. Stop starting him, or prepare for weekly depression.

Moises Alou SUCKS. I watched a ton of replay last night, and other than a stiff breeze blowing in from right, I have no idea what caused his calf to cramp up….again. I’ve seen corpses with more resilience. It would take a three-part House M.D. to figure out how one man can be so lame. Can we please just end this morbid science experiment and admit that Alou’s body is one bump away from paralysis and his own charity telethon?

Aaron Heilman SUCKS. He doesn’t care. Neither should we. He wants to start games, but can’t seem to finish an inning. Management is now “shopping” Heilman to anyone who will listen, which is roughly equivalent to shopping long-term life insurance to the Kennedys. Though I called for fans to continue to support him, I now realize it’s a lost cause. Heilman possesses all the spirit of All-Bran, and with twice the crappy results. He’s the Chuck Knoblauch of middle relief, and it’s time for him to leave.

Endy Chavez SUCKS. I hate to say this, because we used to love the little guy. But he can barely carry that bat now, much less swing it. Watching him hit reminds me of that one kid on every little league team that plays because the league requires it. Because his bat has become so weak, his fielding has atrophied as well. Endy went from an exciting option to a last resort — a resort the Mets continue to visit because Moises Alou sucks worse.

Willie Randolph SUCKS. How do I say you suck, without you alleging that I’m a racist? You have all the enthusiasm of a death row inmate, and a less hopeful outlook. Just days after saying that you want to keep all team business internal, you go and make a flaming ass of yourself by calling out broadcasters. It’s hypocritical and embarrassing. If you can’t manage this team to a .675 winning percentage, then you obviously don’t know what you’re doing. Congratulations on making this job seem harder than it is, and also for making Joe Torre look like a genius by comparison. Also, congrats on your inevitable return to the Yankees organization. I’m starting to wonder if that’s where you wanted to be all along.

Omar Minaya SUCKS. You rode into town like a champion, then proceeded to coast along on the merits of a handful of good transactions. We turned the other way when you signed crap players, simply because their names ended in “-ez”. We pretended that the Pedro signing was still a good move, three years after his last meaningful Mets start. Hell, we even tried to support the idea that El Dookie and Alookie had plenty to give despite the fact that their combined age equals a good credit score. But we can’t support you anymore. You’ve developed a community college team for an Ivy League price tag, and have absolutely nothing to show for it but years of bad debts. Yeah, we got Johan, but something tells me he’s wishing he went elsewhere. It’s time to boogie and leave some other poor souls to clean up this mess.

I bet you’re thinking I’m going to say the Mets suck. But I won’t.

And I can’t.

This team still has the ability to rule this division, despite all of the dead weight listed above. However, after watching this team lose three in a row to the Braves, showing zero signs of ability in the process, they’re getting awfully f–king close.

I’ll calm down once they start winning again, but for now, I’ll say this: Being a Mets fan in 2008 SUCKS.

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