Each year in sports seems to bring more scandal. Whether this is due to a case of the inmates running the asylum or just an increase in sensationalized media is debatable, but one thing is not up for debate. The courts that stand over these athletes are far too lenient, often left in awe by the celebrity in front of them.
So, in the spirit of keeping a just sports society, I decided to play the part of judge, jury, and executioner. Call me His Honorable AdamLee. I assure you, I will not be as subjective as the groupies (aka Congress) were.
First case please, bailiff.
Roger Clemens, you stand in court accused of steroid use and sleeping with a 15 year old country star. First off, who puts a syringe in their butt full of B-12? Ever heard of a One-A-Day vitamin? Centrum? Anyway, I have reviewed your case, and while other Houstonians seem to have become distracted by your Forrest Gump buzzcut and macho antics, I am not one of them.
I hereby sentence you to a year's worth of sleeping with your wife, which is NOT a bad thing. After all, you married her, dope. Also, I am putting a ban on your internet access of any websites devoted to Hannah Montana or old pictures of the Olsen Twins. I also am forcing you to play a year's worth of rec league softball. After that you will truly know what it feels like to be a has been.
Ray Allen, I see here that you are charged with one of the worst postseason slumps any superstar (make that former superstar) has experienced. You have been a large reason the Boston Celtics are having to go the distance each playoff round, and you are making it seem plausible to play Eddie House and James Posey. Sigh,
I am sentencing you to house arrest for a day, an off day, where you will be chained to a couch and watch "He Got Game" repeatedly until you begin to chant, "I am Basketball Jesus." You then will do two hours of community service on the court in Detroit and will be forced to make five, hell, that's asking a bit much at this point, THREE jump shots in a game.
Willie Randolph, you stand here for one reason, you played the race card. While teams like the Rutgers womens' basketball players suffer blatant acts of disrespect, you decide to ignore your poor handling of ego-inflated players, and are the ringleader of a team that suffered one of the most monumental collapses of alltime.
I sentence you to reading the biography of Jackie Robinson. There you will truly see a black athlete who suffered the effects of racism. Also, I am ordering you to have one of the most talented teams in baeball in the playoffs this year. Johan Santana and David Wright deserve better.
Jason Taylor, while I can appreciate the effort of a man to broaden your horizons I can not tolerate it when your main profession is being forfeited for said hobby. You are now boycotting all camps for your team, something that I assure you and your underachieving team needs a ton of. You also said that you would rather be remembered in the long run as an actor, not a football player. Sigh.
Since you want to dance so bad I am sentencing you to a summer of hanging with Michael Jackson. Believe me, you will be wishing you were doing two-a-days in no time. Following your stay at Neverland Ranch you will spend the next season with the 1972 Dolphins, serving them champagne as they watch each team get their first loss. You can practice your boxstep as Don Shula tells you how awful your team is, because let's be honest, you guys weren't going over .500 this year anyway. Finally, you will watch 'Firestorm," the classic starring another defensive talent, Howie Long. That should get you back on the field.
Mike D'Antoni, while I have much more respect for you than some of the sports figures on this docket, I also recognize that you may have thrown away a chance at the golden goose. You chose a Knicks team whose picture is in the dictionary next to the word dysfunctional, and right after got to watch the Chicago Bulls make one of the best steals since Jordan won Defensive Player of the Year in getting the number 1 pick in the 2008 Draft. But that is not your only problem. You somehow were not able to get any defensive effort out of two mammoths, Shaq Flexfuel (no longer the Diesel) and Amare Stoudemire.
Seeing as you are now a Knick coach I am sentencing you to an offseason of working with Jeff Van Gundy. Every time you get lazy in teaching the Knicks defense I will make sure that Van Gundy humps your leg like he did in the old Heat-Knicks matchups. His antics wil make the Taco Bell chihuahua jealous. Then you will sit in the MSG, where you will watch classic videos of the matchups between the 90s Bulls and Knicks on the Jumbotron, wondering what if... Don't worry though, I am sure that you will get the same intensity and talented play out of Stephon Marbury and Zach Randolph that you did out of Nash and Amare. Cough.
Well, it looks like it is time for my lunch break. We will take a short recess and try to see who else we can objectively charge with crimes. Perhaps someone will jump on the grenade and make a Travis "Pronk" Hafner sitting in a hung jury joke, Until then, I will be out looking for a way to charge O.J. with a crime that he got away with. Although, I heard he finally got a lead in finding his wife's killer. Something about looking in a mirror.