THE FOLLOWING WAS RECORDED LIVE ON LOCATION FROM THE CELTICS-PISTONS GAME AT THE BOSTON GARDEN, LAST NIGHT:
BS: Good Day mates, and welcome to the Friday Debates from down under, Coming to you direct from Boston! I am BS Chwartz, My cohost Edgar Von Awesome is currently standing in line outside a porto-john, just outside of the Boston Garden here in the gorgeous city of Boston. We're in Boston today to see the Boston Celtics match up in game two of the Eastern Conference finals against the Detroit Pistons. The Boston Celtics defeated their foes tuesday night here in Boston, to take a one game to nothing advantage in the series. They play one more game tonight here in Boston before shifting the series to Detroit. Boston sure is a lovely city, and we're glad to be here in Boston.
EDGAR: Why do you keep saying Boston?
BS: Because We're in Boston. It's a lovely city, this Boston.
EDGAR: I know, but you said it like eighty times during your introduction there.
BS: I thought you were peeing.
EDGAR: Some guy wearing a Yankee hat went into the loo, so they pushed it over. I just peed over there by those bushes.
BS: Edgar you are a class act.
Edgar: Say whatever you want, but I'll be sitting Court Side here in about 20 minutes.
BS: Well you have a point there. How did Josh score these seats by the way?
Edgar: eBay, some guy decided he wasn't going to go so he sold the seats for $50 a pop.
BS: Wait.... $50?
Edgar: yeah, I know prices this day are crazy.
BS: Let me see the tickets.
(Edgar pulls out 2 hand written tickets that say "Boston Celtics Playoffs, Cort Side)
BS: Really? I mean Really? Not only are these the WORST fakes of all time, but the guy misspelled court. How on earth did Josh think this was a good idea.
EDGAR: I don't think you should be so hard on him... it's a simple mistake...
BS: Simple mistake? They spelled Pistons with a "w".
EDGAR: Come on, Josh has been under a lot of pressure recently... cut the guy some slack... He wanted to do something nice for us...
BS: Nice? He bought us the crappiest fake tickets in the world. Only a complete moron would have fallen for this.
EDGAR: Complete moron? Come on BS, I think a lot of people would have been duped by these tickets...
BS: Wait... Edgar...
BS: Did you-- I mean... are you the one who got these tickets?
EDGAR: What? No, no... Josh... bought the... ummm...
BS: Edgar... look into my eyes and tell me you didn't by these tickets.
Edgar: Well.... ok I bought the tickets, and not so much from eBay, but from a guy on the subway.
BS: Well ok, now I get it.
Edgar: Josh gave me 3,000 dollars for tickets, I thought I'd save a little money this way...
BS: 3000 Dollars? He trusted you with 3000 dollars?
EDGAR: See, I'm not the only idiot.
BS: You think we can at least score some seats from a scalper with that left over money?
BS: Edgar, what did you do with the money?
EDGAR: Kind of spent it on booze...
BS: You spent 2,900 dollars on booze?
EDGAR: No. I spent 900 dollars on booze... and 2000 dollars on a pair of used Segways! Now we can go for a walk around Boston... WITHOUT WALKING!
BS: Segways? I give it 5 minutes till we get our asses kicked and mugged.
Edgar: Good thing I don't have any money left huh?
BS: I guess that's one way to look at it, how do I work this thing anyway?
(Edgar crashes into a dumpster)
BS: You know what I'll figure it out.
Edgar: Ok, let's hit the road.
BS: SHH!!! Dude, are you trying to get us killed? You can't talk about "the road" in Boston.
Edgar: Oop... my bad. Any team that can kick ass at home but consistently gets ass kicked on the road is in trouble.
BS: Yeah, But you know, they have homecourt advantage, so they'll be fine.
EDGAR: BS, come on, that was a veiled dig at the Braves... help me out here.
BS: (flatly) Oh. Sorry. Ouch. You S.O.B. That's. not. fair. Ouch.
EDGAR: HAHAHA! No no, I'm just busting balls.
BS: Whew. Thank god. I was... really upset.
EDGAR: But seriously, a team like the Cavs who had only one player, were able to give them fits at home. The Pistons only have to steal one game and then the Celts are done.
BS: But what you're missing, is that Boston hasn't given up a game in Boston, even when they were close. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
EDGAR: BS, that's stupid. Horses don't wear shoes.
BS: I hate you--
EDGAR: HEY! That guy has a sign for tickets!
(Edgar points to a scraggly looking guy holding a sign that says "Court Side tickets, 1000 Dollars O.B.O.")
BS: Edgar, we don't have a thousand dollars.
EDGAR: But he says, O.B.O. Maybe he wants a pair of segways...
(Edgar stops his segway.)
EDGAR: Hi there sir. Seems you have some tickets available for tonights Basketball contest.
EDGAR: I see your sign says O.B.O.
EDGAR: How about a pair of segways?
Scalper: TWO TICKETS! I GOT TWO TICKETS!
EDGAR: (to BS) I don't think he wants to negotiate...
BS: You're an idiot. Look, how much money do you have in your savings?
EDGAR: About um... 28 dollars-- (to scalper) I'll offer your Twenty-eight dollars.
Scalper: I got TWO! WHO NEEDS TWO?!!
BS: You're that broke? What's wrong with you?
EDGAR: I wonder if he takes credit... I have a 4000 dollar limit.
Scalper: TWO TIC-- Yeah, yeah, I take credit...I just need the number.
EDGAR: Yeah sure, let me see here.
(pulls out a Hello Kitty Visa Card)
EDGAR: What, it came with 0 percent first year APR.
BS: I wasn't talking about your oddly effeminate credit card-- Are you seriously going to hand your card over to this guy?
EDGAR: He looks trustworthy... (to scalper) You're FDIC approved, right?
Scalper: What? Yeah, sure. Let me see that card.
BS: Edgar as your friend I have to strongly urge you not to do this.
EDGAR: Ok, I won't give it to him, we'll just have to find another way to--hey look that dude over there looks like he is going to puke!
(Edgar quickly hands the card over, the scalper takes the card and runs)
BS: I still don't see this guy.
EDGAR: Umm... yeah guess he was alright, false alarm.
BS: Where did that scalper guy go?
EDGAR: I guess he had to run the card in his office... he went that way.
BS: He stole your card.
EDGAR: No, he said that he was FDIC approved.
BS: Edgar, he stole your card.
EDGAR: But... but... AW MAN! This is just like the time that Nigerian Prince won the lottery and emailed me promising to share it with me if he let me use my bank account to hide the money!
BS: You continue to surprise me, with just how dumb you can be.
EDGAR: Aw, thanks, buddy.
BS: LETS GET AFTER HIM!
(The two rev their segways and go in the direction of the scalper at full speed. A cop walks up to them.)
OFFICER: Excuse me gentlemen.
BS: Oh thank god you're here! Some guy just took off with my buddies credit card.
OFFICER: Actually, I'm here because I saw your buddy pee in that bush. I'm writing him a citation for public urination.
EDGAR: THAT'S IF YOU CAN CATCH US!!
(Edgar throws the segway into full gear. The cop walks along side.)
OFFICER: You've got to be serious.
BS: Yeah, sorry. I'll take it for him.
(The cop hands BS the citation. Edgar is still on the run, BS beside
him and the cop walking with them.)
EDGAR: YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME COPPER!!
BS: So, can you help us track down this guy?
OFFICER: Sure. I need a description.
BS: Umm... it was about 5" by 3" pink with a hello kitty face on it, said Edgar Von Awesome...
OFFICER: No, the scalper-- Wait, Edgar Von Awesome?
OFFICER: THE Edgar Von Awesome? As in from the Friday Debate?
EDGAR: You know me?
OFFICER: You kidding? I LOVE the Friday Debates!
(The officer punches Edgar in the jimmy. Edgar doubles over, his segway still going forward.)
OFFICER: I really liked Josh and Dan, but you're alright BS.
OFFICER: Good to hear some baseball being talked about on the debate though.
BS: Oh, you're a baseball fan then?
OFFICER: I used to play a little pro ball. You may know me. Names Mickey.
BS: Not THE Mickey? Mickey Mantle?
OFFICER: What? No! He's dead! Names Mickey Morandini.
EDGAR: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!! MICKEY MORANDINI?! HAHAHAHA!! YOU WERE A CUB!! AHAHAHA!! YOU SUCKED!!
(Mickey punches him in the jimmy again.)
EDGAR: UGH!... why... didn't... I see... that... coming?...
BS: So Mickey what are you doing here in Boston?
MICKEY: I got tired of all the shifting about--
EDGAR: And not winning--
(Mickey punches him in the jimmy again)
BS: You don't know when to stop do you?
EDGAR: Come... on... I.. wanna... have... kids...
(Mickey punches Edgar in the jimmy again)
MICKEY: I'm doing the world a service.
BS: So, you used to play for the cubs then... what do you think of their chances?
MICKEY: I think they're one of the best teams in baseball right now.
EDGAR: Very astute observation...
MICKEY: What'd you say?
BS: Seriously, you think this is the year?
MICKEY: I think they have a chance, they have a lot of guys who play hard, and give 110 percent--
EDGAR: You know what, I don't care if you punch me in the Jimmy... You're the biggest pansy I've ever seen. Come on, you don't play for the team anymore, you're not involved with the team anymore, stop giving us those canned responses. Now, man up and tells us what you really think.
(Mickey punches Edgar in the Jimmy again.)
Mickey: Good point, I admire that brash style.
EDGAR: Then, why...
MICKEY: ...Did I punch you? Because you said I could if I wanted to. The cubs need help. They're rotation is overrated. Lilly is struggling, and not that impressive. Marquis is overrated. They're kidding themselves if they think Ryan Dempster the 30+ year old former closer with huge control issues is going to be lights out for the whole year. With the exception of Zambrano, their pitching raises a lot of questions. The Cardinals and Astros are better than most people thought and the Brewers bats will wake up. The Cubs are good, and they're offense may be strong enough to make the playoffs, but they don't have the pitching or defense to make a serious playoff run.
BS: That was a mouthful.
EDGAR: That's what she said--
(Mickey punches Edgar in the Jummy)
MICKEY: Hey, it's been fun you guys. But I gotta go do some real work. BS keep up the good work, Edgar, Ice your gizzards. Take it easy you guys.
(Mickey walks off)
BS: Mickey Morandini... he's a good guy.
EDGAR: HEY! He was gonna help me get my card back.
BS: Oh, that's right.
EDGAR: Well now what?
BS: Ah, don't worry about it, you'll call the credit card in as stolen, it'll all work itself out.
EDGAR: It's all gonna work itself out?! What does that mean? Like the guy is just going to come back and give me my credit card or something?
(The scalper walks up to BS and Edgar.)
Scalper: Dude your card was declined, you two stop wasting my time.
EDGAR: What the hell? Wait...I KNOW I have a $4,000 limit, or was that $400...
BS: Do you know anything about money management?
EDGAR: I don't even know how to count...
Scalper: Well, I have some seats that are a little more in your price range.
BS: I don't know if I trust this.
EDGAR: Hey he brought my card back didn't he?
BS: Oh yeah, the guy didn't keep the Hello Kitty card with a $400 limit. When is his parade by the way?
EDGAR: (To the Scalper) What do you have?
Scalper: For these two... $200 each. The only catch is that it's to the LA-San Antonio game. I can't get down there to get to the game.
BS: What the hell, lets go watch the most boring team in basketball play against Kobe Bryant.
EDGAR: Most boring team in basketball? Doesn't Eva Longoria sit courtside for their games?
BS: OH YEAH! I would pay $200 just for that.
EDGAR: See I'm not always full of bad ideas.
BS: Well you know they say a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time.
EDGAR: EEWWWW! Squirrel nuts?
BS: Aaaand he's back.
EDGAR: ONWARD TO SAN ANTONIO!!!
BS: GOODBYE BOSTON!!
(They rev up their segways and head southwest.)