FanNation - The Republic of Sport

After hearing that snitch extraordinaire Jose Canseco and former Philldelphia Eagles return man Vai Sikahema were going to don the red gloves and go toe to toe in what many believe will be a huge embarrassment to the sport of boxing and somehow manage to tarnish the reputation of Canseco even more than it already has been with the release of his anti-A-Rod manifesto; I thought about which pro athletes I would like to see step in the ring and beat each other senseless. Well, here they are and feel free to comment who you'd like to see fight at the bottom of the page.

Tag Team: Willie Randolph and Isiah Thomas vs. The New York Media - CAGE MATCH!!! It's a battle royal that would mirror those great WWF Royal Rumbles from the late 80's/early 90's. Willie and Isiah, taking on every New York newspaper reporter that has ever said an unkind word about their coaching styles. The rumble that will be giving a new meaning to "beat reporter." The winning reporter keeps their job, while the rest are cast out onto the streets to blog their way back from shame and obscurity.

Edge - Who cares? If the building caught on fire and no one made it out alive...would anybody really be THAT upset?

Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen vs. Bill Romonowski - I only picked this because I really want to see someone put an biblical style beating on super spaz, Madsen.

Edge - Psychonowski.

Brett Favre vs. whoever filed his retirement papers - I actually feel like this fight is going on as we speak. It's not a physical battle, it's more of a mental game. Some guy is sitting in the NFL head office and everyday at about 10:00 AM, he gets a cryptic phone call from a number that's been traced to a phone both somewhere outside Sheboygan and all that he hears on the other side of the phone is heavy breathing and the sound of a prescription bottle being popped open. Then again It could just be a cheese head having a massive coronary, who's name is more than likely, John Madden.

Edge - Favre, because everyday since he "retired" he hasn't't missed a phone call and I doubt he ever will.

T.O. vs. Chad Johnson - that turns into an end zone celebration dance off. The most interesting part of this fight is the weeks of press conference tirades these two prima donnas would get into before they even stepped in the ring. "He said what?" and "Nah, he don't know who he's dealing with," will surely be

It will be refereed by "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart, who will probably just end up being the judge of a slew of yo' momma jokes or an end zone celebration contest. Either way it will end up with the two star wideouts nose to nose, talking trash and making over enthusiastic and inappropriate hand gestures, meanwhile Randy Moss quietly trains for his Super Bowl lap at Patriots training camp.

Edge - The winner gets to play wherever he wants and the loser has to play for the Dolphins. As far as I'm concerned, no one wins regardless of the outcome.

Shaq vs. Kimbo Slice - 7'2' and 330 lbs of bad puns and worse knees vs. 6'2' 240 pounds of deranged looking, mean scary ****. I think that Shaq's obvious reach and weight advantage would make up for the fact that Kimbo has trained in mixed martial arts, used to relentlessly brawl in the backyards of some of Florida's dumbest wannabe tough men, and is currently an MMA fighter. Before gambling on a fight like this (if something like that was legal) one would have to remember that Shaq does have police training and might have some moves that we don't all know about...other than limping because of out of shape knees and missing almost all of his free throws in clutch situations.

Edge - Shaq has the reach and the distinct weight advantage, but I saw Kimbo Slice almost punch some guys eye out of the socket. I am going to render this a push and go on record saying that I would pay good money to see this event.

Suzy Kolber vs. Rachael Nichols - This will be a battle to the death and I realize that they aren't athletes, but they are somehow related to sports (both terrible sports reports who happen to be women) so I'm gonna count it. I certainly cannot stand either of these ladies, whether it be when they are reporting on the sidelines with no relevant information for me, over enunciating E...S...P...N (I'm looking at you red) or the looks on their faces when I'm burning "You Suck Sweatheart" on their lawn with gasoline. But, with rising gasoline prices, I can't afford to keep it up, so this fight is out of sheer necessity. If the people who watch ESPN are lucky, maybe there will be a double knock out or a double annoy each other to death. Either way, I don't need to hear the rambling incoherence of the victory speech.

Edge - I'd bet on Kolber because a few years ago she was a raging **** on the sidelines. That was of course before "The Worldwide Leader" got her a face lift and an attitude adjustment...we still think she has it in her.

Barry Bonds vs. Roger Clemens - Sponsored by BALCO, who should provide all the steroids needed for such a HUGE event. The battle for who has a bigger head. Come on! It's best steroid pitcher of his era vs. the best steroided up hitter of his era. The Battle of the Big Heads! This could start as a pitcher vs. batter battle and turn into a psychotic freak-out fistfight. The beauty of this fight is that no one would know what to expect from the two most roided out, arrogant land monsters to ever put on an MLB jersey. The entertainment value of something like this is through the roof and I think it would be a great event to put into the All-Star game festivities, right after the Home Run Derby.

Edge - Bonds. But, only because he'd have a bat and a helmet.

Brady Quinn vs. Derrek Anderson - Let's settle this quarterback controversy once and for all. Winner gets the job, while the loser gets to watch the winner lead the Cleveland Browns into another mediocre season and eventually to another missed play-off berth.

Edge- Quinn. Finally all the muscle milk and weight lifting pays off. Thanks Myoplex!

LeBron vs. Deshawn Stevenson - A fight fit for a King. Leave you favorite rapper at home because this balla' feud has escalated from a war of rhyming words to a bare knuckle boxing match at MSG (James should get used to performing there.) It would be the best fight in New York City since J.R. Smith and the Nuggets fought Nate Robinson and the Knicks back in 2006. Except this time, no suspensions, no rules, no mercy.

Edge - James. Seriously, who the hell does Stevenson think he is? You play for the Washington Wizards. Dude, I could score 12 a game on a team that takes like 200 shots a game. I can't understand how it is possible that the Washington players shoot their mouth off more than they shoot the basketball. I figure it will be easier to keep Deshawn's mouth shut in the off-season if it is wired shut after The King kicks it in.   Tom Brady Vs. David Beckaham - It's footy vs. football, in a knock down, drag out, fight for the right to finally call their respective sports "The Football" or "Futball" or whatever the hell they want to call it. The winner would claim the World Championship Belt and will be this year's inductee into "The Lucky **** Hall of Fame," to stand beside the likes of Franco Harris for "The Immaculate Reception," Rob Schneider, for even being allowed to set foot within a 100 yards of the Playboy Mansion and Dennis Kuchinich, who has absolutely no business bagging a tall, hot, British redhead.

Edge - Brady gets hit by 250 lbs line-backers for a living and Beckham plays a game that cross-country runners play when they get bored with running through the woods. I'm putting my money on the guy who lines up across from people like Ray Lewis and is used to getting hit by the likes of Shawne Merriman. And of course, I'm American, so I'm biased.