FanNation - The Republic of Sport

After the stellar reporting on Isiah Thomas and his Will Ferrell signing and my sit downs with Larry Bird, Isiah and Jimmy Dolan, I was upset that the Knicks sent Isiah to Europe or China or wherever "as far away from Madison Square Garden" is. I've been pretty bummed. That is until we were called down to Washington to sit in on the new contract negotiations for Gilbert "Agent Zero" Arenas and Wizards owner Abe Pollin. I knew that this would be an interesting sit down, but what happened during our time there made our brains hurt in ways we didn't think our brains could hurt.

I got down as much of the conversation as I could before starting to seizure and I ended up passing out in the same manner I do when we have Dizzy Bat Drinking Derby here at the office. Here's how the contract talk went down:

Pollin: Look, Gil, we wanna keep you around. We wanna keep cooking with the Hibachi. The Wizards are willing to g to any length to keep you in Washington. What do we need to do to make that happen?

Gilbert: I wanna live in the White House. There I said it.

Pollin: We can't do that. That's reserved for the President.

Gilbert: Then make me President.

Pollin: Gilbert, we can't do that. You'd have to be on the ticket with Obama to get elected. You're not even in the political arena. Some might say you're the farthest thing from the political arena. Some might also say that this is probably the best idea in the history of ideas. They probably wouldn't even let you be Mayor of Crazytown.

Gilbert: Don't need to. Already got a key to the city. If you have to get me on the ticket, then just make a call and get me on the ticket. I've been on tickets before.

Pollin: Those were Washington Wizard's season tickets Gilbert. We put you on those tickets.

Gilbert: See. That was easy.

Polin: Not the same kind of ticket. They don't fill 50,000 seats a night in the Oval Office.

Gilbert: They will when I start dropping 30 a night there. I already have a campaign slogans picked out for my political platforms.

Polin: I'm sure there fantastic, but we're trying to talk contract extensions here...

Gilbert: Go ahead, ask me something. Give me an issue.

Polin: Fine, but you have to promise to really sit here and hash this contract situation out with me. Is that a deal?

Gilbert: No.

Pollin: Terrorism.

Gilbert: Throw them **** on the grill cause you cooking with The Hibachi now baby. Agent Zero is on the trail!!!

Pollin: Great. That's good. Look --

Gilbert: Ask me another one.

Pollin: I dunno? What do you plan on doing for rising oil prices?

Gilbert: Everybody gets a free flying broomstick. Courtesy of Gilbert Arenas. There you go. Oil crisis officially fixed. Print up the flyers for "free flying broomstick" give-away night.

Pollin: I don't even know how to respond to that. And I hate to ask, but I have to ask...how do you suppose we get these flying broomsticks?

Gilbert: You're in charge of the Wizards right?

Pollin: Yes, we are the Washington Wizards. I'm a Wizard, you're a Wizard, we're all a one big Wizard family.

Gilbert: I wanna meet Harry Potter. And I want to meet him AT the White House.

Pollin: Gil, Harry Potter isn't a real person, He's a fictional character. Like Darth Vader or Deshawne Stevenson in the play-offs. No matter how hard you believe, he's not going to show up.

Gilbert: You SAID you run the Wizards. If you own wizards, you outta know Harry Potter.

Pollin: Gilbert, I can't just wave a magic stick and make imaginary people appear.

Gilbert: Harry Potter could.

Pollin: You do understand that we aren't actually real wizards. It's just a name. Like the Lions or the Pirates.

Gilbert: I don't wanna meet pirates.

Pollin: Well, that's a start.

Gilbert: But, I have gotta meet Harry Potter. I'm a huge fan. I want to learn how to fly those brooms like they do in the movies. Could you imagine the dunks I could do. I'd be the Dr. J of Hogwarts. Griffindo fo' sho' baby!

Pollin: Look, you play with amazing energy, you think so much differently than anyone I've ever met that I wonder how you even made it to the arena today and some days, I seriously think you're from another planet. I'm sure if anyone on this earth could will themselves into flying, it would have to be you.

Gilbert: I'm Agent Zero. And right now, that Zero stands for "A Zero tolerance stance on not meeting Harry Potter." I bet if Boom-Dizzle played for the Wizards he'd be meeting Harry Potter at the White House as we speak.

Pollin: Well he doesn't. Wait, what the hell's a Boom-Dizzle? Are you making this stuff up as we go?

Gilbert: I just want what I think I deserve.

Pollin: Look, if you want more money, we can give you more money. If you want more shots, we will try and find a way to shoot the ball more. I don't know how -- we'll just give up on defense altogether to get you more shots. I will PAY you by the shot if you want. But, I cannot in good faith promise you that next year you will be riding a flying broom in the Verizon Center, while waiving to Harry Potter and Ronald Weezly and Dumblewhatthefuck -- LOOK! I understand you're an eccentric. You like to blog about paint-ball wars and your 600 different types of shoes. Your house is filled to the brim with O2 and will probably go up like the Hindenburg, when one day you decide to put on a fireworks show in your living room and I know in my heart of hearts, that if NASA ever let regular citizens board the space shuttle, I'd never see you again. I can put up with that stuff.

Gilbert: I do all my fireworks displays in my kitchen thank you very much. It has a vaulted ceiling.

Pollin: I can't promise you'll meet all the different people that live in the make-believe world that exists in your head. However, I can pay you a substantial amount of money. With that money you could buy a magic unicorn from the Hamburglar and fly around the world while blogging about all 50 of your alter-egos. I mean you already stated that you're a wizard, so you should be perfectly capable of flying on your own, shouldn't you? I mean that's your logic literally running circles around your brain.

Gilbert: Oh my God. You're Right!

Pollin: (to himself) Oh no. I just opened Pandora's Box. I think I know how that guy felt in Raiders of the Lost Ark felt when his face started to melt-off.

Gilbert: Where does the dude from Harry Potter Live?

Pollin: I dunno Gilbert. Probably in L.A.

Gilbert: Cancel my contract, call Jerry Buss, fire up my unicorn and tell the government to move the White House to Hollywood! L.A. here I come. Hibachi OUT!


*We actually like Agent 0 here at The Party. We know he lives on Planet 0. We think Planet 0 should come meet Harry Potter in L.A. Come play for the Lakers! You hear that Gil, we'll introduce you to Harry Potter!