Now the story can finally be told about the witches coven in Massachusetts that is having all the babies. A whole gang of teenage girls in the fishing village of Gloucester went out and got pregnant at the same time. They signed a written pact to raise their babies together.
I say, "Go, Girl!" The Catholic church has been insisting on Right to Life for a long time, so they must be thrilled. The only problem is, a 14 year-old girl decides to keep the baby, guess who ends up footing the bill? Catholic Services ha-ha!
Unfortunately, if you live in a depressed hick area, everything you know about life you learn from watching those execrable hick TV stations that they got out there in Flyover Cuntry. Jerry Springer is king out there, and so are the celebrity shows. And what does one see on the celebrity show? Angelina Jolie with her current load of babies. Britney Spears and her babies. Anna Nicole Smith's baby. The Tori and Dean Show on the side of the city bus has got him strapped to a baby while she's got another bun baking in the oven.
Babies, babies, babies everywhere you look there's freakin babies! Where's Alice Cooper and his pitchfork now that we need him?
But if you think those girls from Gloucester MA were taken in by this boring load of bollocks, you're dead wrong. What is Gloucester near? Foxboro MA, where the Patriots play. Oh yeah! What else is it near? How about Salem MA, which is famous for witches and witchburnings.
These girls are part of a diabolical plot by Freako-**** Belichick to use the Forces of Evil to take over football and make it into a sport of zombies. He figures, if he can make the NFL the entry point for the demons of hell to infiltrate the world so he can hypnotize us into believing that Satan is the Supreme Quarterback, and just like those dummy broads, we will go over to whatever we see on TV.
That is why he personally impregnated every single one of those girls at a witches' coven in Salem. And let me tell you, he must have got a huge load of steroids from Roger Clemens to do this performance, because 14 year-old girls expect to get their spine rolled, and ol' grampa Belichick is not up to that kind of ball delivery.
Belichick's plan is to bring these kids up to be the most horrible, nasty football players outside of jail, and he intends to get them so wired on steroids and reefer that they will turn into the worst, most soulless bone-crushing thugs that ever ran a ball.
In this he is helped by the witches prayers that they invoked over the bellies of each one of those expectant mothers, meaning that these muthers will be able to FLY!
And we'll be sitting there like a bunch of bear-guzzling drunks, saying, "Oh spit, I gotta get with this team!" As a result, Belichick will get elected president. And the first thing he'll do when he gets elected is to sign the whole country over to Satan.
[No way, Bill, are you going to get me to sell out America for a couple of flying wide receivers. OK?]
Now, the only person in America who can save this country is Senator Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania. He has already been investigating Bill Belichick. Spector knows a conspiracy when he sees one. He's the guy who developed the single-bullet conspiracy after the Kennedy assassination of 1963 (just to show you how long this ancient relic has been around. He should be in the freakin Smithsonian Institution next to the dinosaur). This theory held that one bullet passed through nine different guys. If that ain't amazing enough, he's still got the bullet.
This Spector dude is as big of a freak as Belichick. I can't figure out why he is not in the Batman movies, playing himself.
Now, what Spector has to do is shoot Belichick with the Magic Bullet, after fighting him on the roof of a moving subway car. Then the Hulk can throw him into outer space. And the world will be saved.
THE FINAL ARMAGEDDON BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL FOUGHT AT FLUSHING MEADOWS! WHO WILL PREVAIL, THE YANKS OR THE METS? READ "THE YANKEES ARMY"
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