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"WHAT'S IN YOUR (STANLEY) CUP?"

I'd Put My Money On The D Cup!

"Good morning guys, welcome to Starcups, can I get you some coffee? Some decaf?" asked the lovely buxom barista behind the counter. "We have regular and large size cups, and this week we are also featuring a commemorative Stanley Cup of coffee."

"Wow! Looking at her, I'd say they also have extra large cups too!"

"Have some respect! Don't listen to him, Bonnie--- I'd love a cup of coffee."

"I'd like a cup too--- with two Splendas, please."

"Stanley Cup? What's...?"

"...Our Stanley Cup Coffee Special?" replied Bonnie. Were commemorating the Red Wings winning the Stanley Cup, so we're offering all our drinks in replica Stanley Cups for $2.008. Would you guys like one?"

"Sure, why not? When in Detroit, do like the Detroiters--- Give us Stanley Cups!"

"I'll take a Stanley Cup."

"Ditto for me."

"Make it four Stanley Cups."

"Four Stanley Cups??? Asked Bonnie. Are you sure you want that much coffee? They're pretty big... maybe you guys should share?"

"Share a cup of coffee??? What are you going to do...?  Give us four straws? No thanks, we'll take four individual Stanley Cups of coffee."

"Okay, I'll be right back."

"Did she say Stanley Cup of coffee?"

"I think so; were in Hockeytown. I guess since the Red Wings won Stanley Cup last week--- It's their way of celebrating."

"I think she means a Stanley Cup size of coffee."

It couldn't be? Could it? They really serve coffee in a cup the size of the Stanley Cup?

"So, if we were in Canada, and they won the Canadian football championship, we would be drinking out of a Grey Cup?" 

"Holy ****! You weren't kidding when you said the Stanley Cup is big! How many cups, I mean how many gallons are in this thing?"

"It's a good thing that they didn't win the America's Cup, can you imagine how huge that cup of coffee would look like?"

"Yeah, what if it was the World Cup?"

"I'm partial to the Stanley Cup," said Bonnie. We [Detroit] won the Cup four out of the last eleven years, and I think it's the greatest trophy in sports.

 You know it's a tradition that each member of the winning team gets to spend a day with the Stanley Cup."

"Really?"

"It's traveled from Afghanistan to the Arctic Circle, from Parliament to the President of the United States and to the Governor General of Canada's office. It's been golfing, four wheeling, jet skiing, fishing, camping and hunted with. It's been slept with, danced with, eaten and drank out of, including Fido, as well as becoming an honorary citizen, and even once had an MRI!"

"Yeah, I even heard that it was charged an overweight baggage fee when it traveled from the U.S to Russia!"

"It's the biggest and best cup in sports! It's the Holy Grail of sports trophies!" said Bonnie.

"What cup do you like best?"

"What?"

"If all the cups competed in a ???Cup Off', which one would win?"

"Yours!"

"I'd put my money the D cup."

"No, not that kind of cup!" replied Bonnie, "But thanks for the compliments."

"A Cup Off?"

 "Of all the trophies given out in sports, which cup do you think is the best?"

"Huh?"

Between Hockey's Stanley Cup, Canadian Football's Grey Cup, Auto Racing's Sprint Cup, Thoroughbred Horse Racing's Breeders Cup, Soccer's World Cup, Tennis' Davis Cup, Golf's Ryder Cup and Sailing's Americas Cup, which is the best?"

"Well, if you ask me, I say bon voyage to America's Cup. It's a ???boating duel' for rich preppie guys with starched polo collars named Biff and Skip."

"But America had the world's longest winning streak in sports when they held the cup from 1852 to 1983!"

"Yachting? C'mon, who watches that? It's a spectator sport only if you own the Hubbell telescope! And, it's not an event; it's a voyage across the ocean!" 

"I agree. I would eliminate the Breeders Cup as well. It's an association of really rich ???horse pimps' who get their jollies manipulating the gene pool and watching steroid induced horses race around a track for two minutes."

"What about the Kentucky Derby, the Belmont and the Preakness? Those races are great."

"What about Babaro and Eight Belles? Both those horses lost their lives to man's ignorance. Not to mention, that Big Brown, who won the first two legs of the 2008 Triple Crown was being administered Winstrol, the very same anabolic steroid that Ben Johnson tested positive for in the 1988 causing him to be stripped of his gold medal in the Seoul Olympics."

 

"I vote to eliminate the Grey Cup--- Grey is a blah, drab color."

"Who came up with that name anyhow--- The guys from Crayola? Binney and Smith? Besides, I hear it's made out of recycled Molson and Labatt's beer cans!"

"But football is great!"

"It's Canadian Football!"

"Its minor league compared to the NFL. The Canadian Football League has some quirky rules, like 12 players instead of 11, just about everyone can be in motion, they have three downs instead of four and you can score something called a single."

"Who ever heard of an [Toronto] Argonaut or a [Montreal] Alouette?"

"An alouette is a French song bird."

"Precisely! Who names their football team after a dainty song bird?"

 

"I'm kind of on the fence, or I should say, on the net about the Davis Cup.

I like tennis; its tough, physical, and at times a grueling sport. It will test you both mentally and physically--- It's just you, your racquet, the ball and your opponent--- Mano y mano--- no one to rely upon, except yourself."

"So, it's an individual game that's played like a team, right?"

"I think it's dull--- back and forth, back and forth. After a match, my neck hurts."

"Tennis is like Scrabble--- So many letters, but they don't mean a thing!"

"Huh?"

"ATP, USTA, WTT, ITF, WTA."

"You know what they mean?"

"Nope"

"But you know what NHL, MLB, NFL and NBA are?"

"Yep, so they're out!"

"So that leaves us with Stanley, Ryder, Sprint and the World Cup."

"I vote for the Sprint Cup; I love NASCAR! It's great! It's fast and dangerous! It also happens to be the second most popular sport behind the NFL."

"If you love NASCAR so much, what does NASCAR stand for?"

"What's the big deal?"

"You don't know, do you?"

"North American Stock Car...?"

"It stands for Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks."

"C'mon give me a break! Whatever it stands for, it's definitely big business for corporate America!

"The Sprint Cup? It's named after a cellular phone company and the cup is an actual 1/62 replica of the General Lee!"

"So?"

"Before it was the Sprint Cup, it was another cellular phone company, the Nextel Cup and before that, it was named the Winston Cup, named after the cigarette company.

"So?"

"There is no allegiance! The Cup name is sold off to the highest bidder, just like every square inch of space in NASCAR--- From the cars to the Porta Johns, everything is labeled to make a buck."

"Are you kidding!" bemoaned Bonnie. Racing in a hot car with no air conditioning or cruise control around an oval track for 500 miles? That's what you call fun?

 Traveling 500 miles with the price of gas costing over $4.00 per gallon, is one thing, but to find you are in the same place you started? That's dumb!

"I'd drop the Sprint Cup like a bad cell call. Can you hear me now?"

 

"So it's down to the Stanley Cup, the Ryder Cup and the World Cup," Explained Bonnie.

"I am not a fan of soccer, I vote against the World Cup."

"It's not soccer, it's called football and it's the most popular sport in the world! Over 700 million people watched the 2006 final!"

"Not in America!"

"I am not a fan either, it's boring! Not enough scoring and the referee can let the game continue even when the match is over. Besides, the World Cup qualifier matches take three years to complete!"

"Okay, were down to the Ryder Cup the Stanley Cup. Which cup is best?"

"Geez, with all these cups, my mother could have a full set of china!"

"The Stanley Cup was founded by Lord Stanley, whose tool company is named after him and the Ryder Cup was founded by Samuel Ryder, whose red and white trucking company is named after him."

"Tool company? I thought Lord Stanley's Cup was a groin protector company?"

"I heard that Stanley, through their drilling innovations founded the five hole."

 "Have you seen Ryder? Their large, roomy and can haul a ton."

"Why do they call him Lord? Is he the hockey god?"

"No, he's the prince of puck."

 Edge: Stanley

"Stanley's Cup is 36 inches tall, engraved with every winner's name, and is made of sterling silver and ???puck rubber'. The Ryder Cup is made from ???high spin, long distance urethane' and is large enough to fit three bedrooms and the living room into.

"With the high price of precious metals, Lord Stanley's Cup is worth more much more than Ryder's Cup."

 Edge: Stanley

"The competition for the Stanley Cup takes place on cold, hard ice. The competition for the Ryder Cup takes place on lush green fairways, thick rough and triple cut, rolled greens."

"Hockey is really tough, both mentally and physically. Not only is it fast and furious, you play it on set of ?? inch thick ice skates! Golf, are you kidding?"

"Have you tried hitting a golf ball?"

"No, but have you been hit in the face with a slap shot?"

"Golf is physically and mentally tough too. It takes a lot of concentration and the miles of walking each round, that's enough to tire you out!"

"Walking tires you out? C'mon, you're comparing apple to oranges! Hockey is grueling! It's far more physical and mentally challenging than golf! Not only do you have to worry about your opponent trying to rip you head off, but you must beware of ice gouges, goal crease snow banks, hip checks, fog horns, flying pucks and judgmental referees."

"You try hitting a little ball into a 4?? inch cup from 400 yards away in four strokes!

Golf has many hazards, like bunkers, lakes, creeks, wind gusts, divots, spike marks, clicking cameras, and alligators!"

"Oh, those evil wind gusts and devilish divots!"

Edge: Even

"Well, the tally is in," said Bonnie. "Stanley's Cup is the biggest and best!"

"So, I guess they do drink coffee from the Stanley Cup!"

 

Copyright 2008  Steve Kay

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