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Hello students.  As part of our Beyond the Classroom program, Clown College is pleased to bring you the first in series of lectures designed to help you make your mark after you leave these hallowed grounds.  Today, we will be hearing from a man who has made continuing success part of his life.  His achievements have come with a great deal of effort and have not been without challenges, but his perseverance and determination should be lesson for us all.

And so I introduce today's guest lecturer and major league pitcher, Mr. Shawn Chacon.

Greetings to all you industrious young leaders of the future.  My name is Shawn Chacon, and I'm a big-league pitcher.  You probably know me- most people do based on how truly excellent I am.  I've pitched for the Rockies, Pirates, Yankees, and Astros, and I've made a real difference wherever I've gone.

But nowhere has my impact been more profound than in Houston, my current professional home.  And I mention "professional" because today I want to talk about how to succeed in the workplace.

Of course, you're not an elite athlete.  My workplace is a 50,000 seat baseball stadium filled with people who love and adore the game, and who come specifically to see me do my thing.  But even though no one really wants to watch you file those TPS reports, you can still benefit from my wisdom.

Shawn Chacon's rules for success.  You ready?  I'll go slow so you can take lot of notes.

Success is all in your head.  If you think you're great, then you're great.  End of story.  Performance is just somebody else's assessment of you.  It's best to ignore it.  It's probably wrong anyway.

If you don't like what someone thinks of you, just demand a transfer, or more money.  Or both.  I recommend hiring a loudmouth sycophantic weasel to act on your behalf when you don't get what you want.  In baseball we call them agents.

These guys are great.  Just like I was born with the ability and talent to be the best baseball player in history, these guys are born with the talent to whine really loud and be annoying until people give them what they want just so they'll shut up.  Trust me.  They'll really comes in handy around the office.

When your boss decides you should leave and go to another job, that's a compliment.  He wants to share you with the world.  It's a very selfless act of sacrifice on his part to bestow your incredible gifts on someone else.  I myself have been complimented on three occasions. 

Now some people might try to tell you it's because you're not wanted, but they just don't understand the level of your abilities.  When you're that good, you can't be kept in one place.  You must be shared with the world.  Educate those people in how great you are, and they'll understand.

Rule #3- DUTIES
It's important to remember that just because your boss is the boss doesn't mean he can decide what your responsibilities should be.  Only you should be able to decide what work you want to perform.  If your boss tries to tell you otherwise, it's perfectly acceptable- no, it's expected- that you should complain and be disgruntled.  

Like let's say you work once every five days, and then your boss comes in and tells you that your schedule has changed.  Now he wants you to work maybe 4 out of every 5 days for fewer hours at a time.  No way should you take that from him.  Time to complain, as loudly as possible.  Bosses like that.  It shows heart.  Remember, your schedule should be made out by you.  Determine your own duties. 

Your boss isn't the boss of you.  Just because he is "in charge" doesn't mean you have to listen or do what he says.  If your boss says or does something you don't like, I recommend blowing it off at first. 

Like, say you're having some lunch and your boss wants you to come into his office for a chat.  You don't have to stand for that.  Just tell him that you don't need to go to his office.   

But some bosses won't take the hint that you don't want to be told what to do. They might get a little mad or start yelling.  At that point, I recommend getting up in their face and telling them to back off and stop yelling.  Bosses love that.

But that might not work either, because some bosses are thick.  So the next step is to grab your boss by the neck and throw him to the ground.  And you should probably jump on top of him in a threatening way too.

Remember, in addition to solving everything, physical violence is your right. 


So good luck to you.  Live by these rules, and keep striving for greatness.  Specifically, Shawn Chacon-level greatness.  That's really great.  It's been a pleasure speaking to you today.

Now where's my $2 million fee?


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