Met-aphorically Speaking

It seems like every squad short of Seattle is in consideration for the suddenly available services of Manny Ramirez.

(Of course, this includes Omar and the Amazins, who have had a longtime love affair with the strange and irritating left fielder…)

Though my gut, heart and remaining facets of common sense are all telling me “No effing way, Cochise!” there are some intriguing factors as to why Ramirez might be able to fit in well with the boys from Queens.

Here are some of the top reasons why the Mets could buck up and make the move:


  1. He’s a young 36. And his inevitable contract extension will allow us to keep him until he’s a sprightly 41.
  2. Will hustle more, because he no longer has a giant wall interrupting his gazelle-like stride.
  3. The Phillies already have a Man-Ram, and they call him Pat.
  4. Bound to be a wonderful influence on Jose Reyes.
  5. An overwhelming vote of confidence and support from the team’s premier injured cockfighter.
  6. Undoubtedly a better left fielder than Marlon Anderson, and working hard to be a better hitter than Fernando Tatis.
  7. Knows good card tricks.
  8. In NYC, bad attitudes are fleeting, but good hair is forever.
  9. Will improve team morale by ensuring Ramon Castro is no longer the ugliest man in the clubhouse.
  10. Has agreed to change his catchphrase from “Manny Being Manny” to “Manny Being a Cooperative, Warm, Fuzzy, Well-Liked Teammate Who Plays Hard and Doesn’t Beat Up Mid-Level Team Executives.”  The t-shirts are already being printed.
  11. God said so.
  12. Would put the Mets one step closer to completing Omar’s Hispanic droid army.
  13. Wicked good chowda recipe.
  14. Doesn’t get caught up in that overrated stuff like “working out” or “playing hard.”
  15. Might be fun to see how many other household appliances Manny sells on eBay.
  16. Wouldn’t ever engage in fights with Mets announcers.  That is, unless Gary Cohen gets out of line, because then it’s on, ****.
  17. That Beltran kid never panned out.
  18. Because next year is now; last year is recent history; this year is next fall; and three years from now is actually a week from Thursday, Manny actually needs to be obtained today at 3:15 in that weird section of Indiana that doesn’t practice daylight savings.

Not buying it?  Me neither.  Sure, he’s an amazing hitter, but he’s also a lousy fielder, clubhouse cancer and overall pain in the ****.  Come to think of it, given the fragile state of these Mets, there really aren’t any good reasons for them to trade for Manny.

I’m sure you’ll all disagree, so let me have it.  But when you’re busy calling me an idiot and telling me things I didn’t know about my sister, take the time to also provide a legit reason how this move will improve the overall state of the Mets. I mean other than his obvious hitting ability, which no one here is questioning…

Looking forward to it.



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