Met-aphorically Speaking
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Today, every Mets fan in the greater blogosphere is writing something inflammatory about the team’s disastrous bullpen. Fair enough — the failure warrants the attention.

But, to be different, I’ll be quoting, and then writing inflammatory comments about the Mets’ disastrous bullpen.  Honestly, I’d rather let these limp-armed mothers hang themselves with their ridiculous, meaningless comments about their 14th blown game this week.

Nothing like variety, eh?

The following are actual quotes from these lovable, huggable, highly questionable Mets following yesterday’s inexplicable loss to the Pirates (otherwise known as “America’s Farm Team.”)

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“This is definitely a game that we should have won.” – Carlos Delgado

At which point did this epiphany hit you?  When you were taking on a team that recently traded its two best players for another “investment in the future?”  When you had a 5-1 lead in the ninth?  Or, did it come to you in the form of the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich?  Color me curious - I need to know.

“We probably need to make some adjustments. We can’t continue to perform this way late in games.” – Jerry Manuel

This is the equivalent of saying, “I have four stripped lugnuts, and my wheel falls off every time I take a right turn. I think I need to see a mechanic.”

“It’s frustrating that I didn’t get the job done. We had the lead going into the last inning and I wanted to go out there and get the job done and protect that lead.” — Aaron Heilman

It’s nice to see that Aaron finally got around to reading his job description.  Wait till he gets to that second page, where he’ll learn about balls, strikes, control and common f–king sense.

“We just have to be better. That’s the bottom line…” – Scott Schoeneweis

This has been a reading from the book of “Stone Cold” (Schoeneweis 3:16).

“As tough as this is, we’ve got to regroup, refocus and not allow this to carry over.” — David Wright

…and the ghosts of Art Howe and Willie Randolph remain.  David, we love ya.  But seriously — nut up a little, would ya?  It’s time to be the de facto captain of this team, which means I shouldn’t need Kleenex and Midol every time you get quoted after a loss.  If I wanted the same old “rah rah” pablum, I’d either replay a game from last September or watch Bring it On alone in my darkened basement.  Wait, strike that last part.

“I’m tired of talking about it. We have to be better. The entire bullpen is struggling at the same time, and we don’t have a closer.” – Scott Schoeneweis

And we’re tired of talking about it too, Stone Cold.  But I have to give you props for the backhanded slap at Heilman.  Nice touch.

“I thought they only did this to Johan.” — Pedro Martinez

Oh, how I wish he actually said this.

“I’ve got to figure out what I have and who is willing to step up in those roles…I’ve got to use all the options that I have here.” — Jerry Manuel

Okay, what you have in the bullpen is crap.  Of these guys, you have one that is willing to step up because he’s a rookie; one who’s losing velocity; one who only pitches well against lefties; one whose sidearm delivery has been figured out by the rest of the league; one fat kid who doesn’t have a role; and one who is researching “getaways” at places named “Shady Pines” and “Tranquil Acres.”  Your options are to promote Niese, Vargas and Figueroa, demote the crap, and try an August do-over…

…or you can just start drinking in the sixth inning and hope you’re good and cocked by the ninth.  Your call.

“I’m here no matter what they want me to do.” — Eddie Kunz

How ’bout you take that 6′5″ gorilla body, throw a few strikes, and make the Mets’ brass reconsider their late inning strategy?  As of this morning, it looks like you’re the new closer, so go do your job.

But try not to take too much advice from your colleagues.  Otherwise we’ll be hearing more of these brainless quotes about you.

 

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