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Living In The Sticks

For anyone reading this who might care even just a little bit...your's truly lives in the foothills of New Hampshire. Remote, quiet, relaxed, serene….and totally disconnected from the rat race I spend most of my day in. With the exception of a longer commute time, and the apparent lack of a dental plan by many of my neighbors employers…I have very few complaints.

 

HOWEVER, I do have an issue with DirecTV!!!  You see, when I tell you I live in a remote part of New Hampshire; (a bit of an oxymoron, I know), I mean I live in a remote part of New Hampshire.

 

We are talking about existence on a dirt road with a sign that reads “Mud Xing Pass At Your Own Risk”. We are talking, send the kids out to play in the yard sporting bright orange beanies and safety vests, remote. We are talking, just got phone lines 4 years ago, and still don’t have wired broad band services remote………….Folks…..we are talking Sarah Palin, red neck sporting, 17 y ear old knocked up daughter, more guns then I.Q. points remote; (Commentary on the area, not me personally).

 

And unfortunately, I am talking about, Satellite TV the only option for broadband and TV service type remote. My front yard has so many skyward facing dish’s, it would make a NASA egghead wet their pants………..

 

Sith Lord, Thy Name Is DirecTV

So where is the problem you ask? After all, I already said this is what I wanted, right?

 

Well, problem one, is that I am an Eagles Fan living in a Patriot Nation.

Problem two, is that thanks to the spectacular “profit trumps all” handling of all non local area broadcast games by the NFL,  only a single service provider can televise any football game not broadcast by regional over the air stations……………….PLAY that Darth Vader Imperial March sound track boys……

 

In comes, Butt Bangen, DirecTV. But instead of a breather helmet and a light saber, this villain wields a monocle, a top hat, and a craptacular version of a DVR (digital video recorder).

 

Remember When…

As a former DishNetwork subscriber, I received a beautiful HD picture, outstanding intuitive DVR menu and remote, a fantastic and relevant universal remote, Picture in Picture dual tuner capability, and more adult pay per-view options then a Las Vegas Porn Shop……………but no NFL package…….no Eagles games………..Its Patriots…the NY Giants……maybe a Jets Game……but no Eagles………….

 

Like, shopping for that perfect hot rod at a used car lot….coming across a cherry looking Pontiac GT…..and then finding out none of the VIN#’s match. Yeagh, it looks great…but it’s still not perfect…its missing something.

 

I am Bleeding Rectally, Please Help Me!!!

 

Well…I have DirecTV now….and I can now tell you honestly, that I know what it feels like to be prison raped. But it gets even better folks…because I paid $300 to be grunge banged and gang probed…and that doesn’t include my regular service costs.

 

Now, so that I don’t sound too biased, DirecTV DID pay a hefty sum for the right to be the only provider of games that might not otherwise have been broadcast by my local provider……around several billion dollars. So I don’t bear them any ill will for wanting to make a profit. But….lets be clear about this. DirecTV paid only once…to broadcast games………………SO WHY, OH WHY…Must I pay three times (3x)??? And in a tiered service? Peoples…here is the skinny on how they butt bang you and then force to you to suck them off right afterwards….

 

Do You Want Rusty Nails With This Rectum Probe Sir…Or Barbed Wire?

 

Lets take a look at what you get with DirecTV and your NFL Package

 

  • A DirecTV installer who evidentially has the same dental plan as the rest of the hill-billys’ in New Hampshire.
  • An inferior DVR service that gets confused when you button mash your remote too fast…..or too slow
  • A universal remote that doesn’t work in our universe….no really…it doesn’t control anything in my system correctly. The installer even warned be about how much it sucks…
  • A wonderful 2 year contract for the privilege of owning such sub par equipment….I think this crap was actually made in the U.S. …figures….
  • Digital, HD service….condensed…and spit out in less then stellar picture quality…
  • You get to pay $10 to receive those HD channels delivered to your house.
  • One of the most confusing channel line up displays on the planet.
  • And of course, the entire reason I went with DirecTV….YAY….the NFL Package for only $300 a season…on special mind you……..

 

  • Oh…and by the way…..did you want to watch that game in HD???????? Oh, I am sorry sir….that is going to cost you an additional $100.

 

Yip that’s right…you heard it folks….DirecTV pays once to broadcast the games…and charges you 3x to view it. Better yet, the non-HD service, doesn’t even look 480I quality (Standard Broadcast quality)….nope…it looks like $hit quite frankly. Listen closely folks…..those manly screams of agony….accompanied by the sound of an old hand saw cutting through a knotted 2 x 4…is the sound of DirecTV working its’ dish in and out of my bung hole, while the NFL holds me down at the shoulders….

 

So What….

 

Why, oh why am I bitching? What can we do about it? Whats the big deal, that’s the price you pay for living in a different area then your sports team….

 

Well, ladies and gents…let me explain why this is all such a travesty….

 

  1. NFL games are no longer reasonably priced. The NFL and team owners have annually increased the price of football tickets to the point that it is no longer a sport attended by your average fan. Year after year, corporate sponsors are buying up stadium seating at your local venues…and pretty soon…you too may be priced out of your favorite “fan-pound” on the 50 yard line. Watching it on TV is the only reasonable and affordable alternative.
  2. DirecTV paid once for the right to air NFL games not carried by the local market. They are passing on to their customers the cost of transmitting a feed that is only recorded in HD. So when you get that less then stellar signal, they are stepping it down.
  3. The NFL benefits from people watching games outside of their home market. It expands the brand image and name and inspires long term loyalties that the NFL can capitalize on. If there were not options for watching your team outside of your market, the NFL would not be nearly as popular as it has been in the past several years.
  4. DirecTV already charges you $10 a month extra for HD feed.
  5. DirecTV already charges you for the HD receiver you require to handle the HD feed.
  6. DirecTV already charges you for the HD Dish you require to receive the HD feed.
  7. DirecTV locks in customers for 2 years for the equipment you need to get this HD. So each new customer is usually a guaranteed revenue stream for up to 2 years.
  8. DirecTV will charge you again next season for the NFL package…and if you want it in HD…they will charge you for that as well.
  9. The NFL and DirecTV have created a false-monopoly for their service and brand. If the NFL shared broadcast rights amongst Cable Programmers, other than DirecTV satellite providers, and FiOS, we the fans would receive more services, at a more equitable expense. Yes, the NFL would lose profit in the short term, but improve it in the long term.
  10. The NFL fought tooth and nail when Comcast threatened to move its NFL Network on to a tiered sub service under the auspice that it wasn’t fair to the fans and feared that doing so would diminish the brand and saturation of the NFL product. So why be a hypocrite now and allow the actual games them selves to be on what is essentially a tiered service provider system; on a service provider that is the most expensive of them all?

 

Truth be told, this travesty that is DirecTV as it has been facilitated by the NFL is shameful. And the bait and switch tactics DirecTV uses to attract new customers is boarding on predatory. But in the end, they are only the Sith apprentice in this entire ordeal. Yes, DirecTV has only itself to look to when answering for its miserable service, and detestable signal quality. Their practice of sub-packaging service in a tiered set is also disgusting. But like Darth Vader, DirecTV has a Sith Lord. And his name is Roger Goodell. The NFL works tirelessly to protect its product and its brand image, only to allow a single media outlet to control the quality of the output on the final leg of the race. Roger Goodell will put a player on suspension for flashing gang signs during a end zone touch down dance…but does nothing when a broadcaster delivers its signal feed  with such poor quality, that it doesn’t even conform to signal image minimums benchmarked decades ago. And worse yet, there will be no end in site for the weary. DirecTV looks like it will maintain its vice grip on the hairy orangutang testicles of the average displaced NFL fan, while Mr. Goodell practices speed bag drills from below. And unfortunately, they will probably continue to grow in the process…the NFL..not my balls.

 

 

 

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