That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The Hoodie has returned. I've decided that without my most evil asset, NFL domination will have to be put on hold for right now. Instead I'll tell you about my summer break and answer your mail.
As some of you have informed me in your mail, my evil legion lost the Super Bowl to the New York Giants. They're so wholesome. Instead of being involved in raucous orgies and murderous mayhem, Eli married his college sweetheart. Bradshaw violated a probation, and Plax smacked his wife around a bit, but it's all so petty. I miss the Giants that let Jimmy Hoffa be buried under their stadium. To be sure, it was a very sad day for me. When I got home, all of my kittens and puppies looked longingly at me, wishing that I would kick them. I did kick a few kittens, but my heart just wasn't in it. I did perk up a bit when I saw the car trailing me while I was on my way to rob the Salvation Army. It was Iranian intelligence. The Ayatollah wants his missiles back. Fat chance of that.
So what does a Super Bowl loser do all summer? Cry? Drink? I can say with much pride and confidence that I didn't do any of that. Instead I worked on crushing my enemies. Colts O-Line? Check. Shawne Merriman? Check. South Ossetia? Check. US Track Team? Check. Pervez Musharraf? Check. The Giants were a little harder to get to, but I got Osi Umenyiora all the same. I just wish my intelligence network would have picked up on the plot to get Tom Brady. Who could have seen it coming from the Chiefs? That's ok. I know they weren't behind it. They were the pawn. It was Dungy all along.
Enough of that. I did eventually prepare for this season. Wilfork was high on my list. His evil inclinations are certainly worth fostering. But cheap shots and eye poking won't do the job. Any NFL player can do that, and I encourage it regularly. However, he is my padawan, and I expect more. He still hesitates to kick kittens. I hope it's because he aspires to more. Evil transcends the field, and I fully expect him to at least hold up a liquor store or steal a car. I need more thugs. Troy Brown could do it all; play offense, play defense, play special teams, steal Peyton's Super Bowl ring, everything. Now that he's retired, I don't have a go-to guy anymore. I know what you're thinking, but everyone suspects Moss.
On to your mail, there's a lot of it:Greg from New York, New York writes, "Admit it, Bill, you plotted and planned for this credit crisis, didn't you?"
I did, Greg. However, I didn't do it for the pleasure of watching everything crash. I just want you guys to know that there are things you can invest in besides toxic mortgages; like evil, for example. Eh? Eh?
Jillian from the SPCA writes, "It's come to our attention that you have not been forthcoming in your reports about your 'Rescue the Kittens and Puppies' effort. We have documentation from PeTA and this blog that your are using our donated kittens and puppies for kicking purposes. We regret to inform you that we will no longer be sending you these animals."
Jillian, you break my heart. I know that I can smooth things over with you. I have already arranged for Tom Brady to visit your office and throw a party. I have also arranged for a letter to be sent telling you that Tom Brady is coming, in order to distract you while Vince Wilfork steals your kittens.
Ali and Farouk from Iranian Intelligence write...
Actually, it's probably best that I don't open this.
Angie from Christiana, Delaware writes, "From a diehard Eagles fan, thank you for Asante Samuel!"
No, I thank you. Asante wanted too much money. I have no room in the evil empire for guys who are in it just for the money. Like this one time, when Tom and I were stealing meals from the nursing home, Tom kicked this lady's walker out from under her. He wouldn't admit it, but during his laughter, I saw a tear of joy. Someone like Asante just can appreciate that.
Robert from Fergus Fall, Minnesota writes, "Why are you so secretive about your team's injuries? what do you have to hide?"
Robert, if you've ever read my blog before, you'd know that there's a small possibility that some of these injuries are not all the result of football. You'd also be able to deduce that if I revealed the nature of these injuries, it could open up inquiries that could set off international incidents, market crashes, and vampires. Do you really want that?
Whitney from Cary, North Carolina writes, "Who are you voting for? Obama or McCain?"
A few things here. For starters, I don't believe in democracy. The other thing is that neither will be my leader. I have diplomatic and nuclear relations with Iran, however troubled they may be. Ahmadinejad has to wonder if preconditions are necessary to meet with ME. Can either of them say this? I didn't think so. I am my own dark lord.
Eric from Staunton, Virginia writes, "You say youre involved in all this illegal stuff, but the fact is that your not...you just say that to sound tough but its really cuz you suck as a coach. talk about football...if you can loser"
Good point, Eric. I should talk about football more. My lust for dark power over my grim domain has caused me to lose focus on the important things. I will say this then. Our plan is to score more points than the other team, minimize our mistakes, while capitalizing on their turnovers. If we do that, we can win. Better?
Frank from Oslo, Norway writes, "Without Tom Brady, you're nothing! Your career record without him is pathetic!!"
Maybe in football it is, but...oh right, Eric from Staunton says I should concentrate on football only. Weiner.
Peyton from Indianapolis writes, "Hey Bill. Funny's funny, but when am I going to get my car back?"
No can do, Peyton. I had to give it to a military officer in Bolivia to buy his allegiance. I told him it belonged to a Manning, and he asked which one. I had to tell him it was Eli's.