FanNation - The Republic of Sport

The Stupid Athlete Religion's Ten Commandments     

After seeing the story about Plaxico Burress shooting his own leg and the comments following I realised that the occasional mention of discrimination was not ludicrous, it's true... discrimination is rampant in sports.... against the stupid athlete. Smart athletes get all the good press and all the good breaks, it's time for this to stop. No more Tiger Woods, Payton Manning, Clyde Drexler, Jackie Robinson... Begone Wayne Gretsky, Annika Sorenstam, Joe Dimaggio, Jerry Rice... it's time to band behind the law breakers, whiners, ball hogs, gun shooters, cheaters, dog fighters, gamblers, and spouse beaters.

So Plaxico is continually late for meetings and misses practices, name me another job where this is a big deal. And firing a gun in a public place? Who hasn't done that?

When Jeremy Roenick said that NHL fans can "kiss my ****" and "****" explaining that they were jealous of his money when the players were striking for more he was just being a spirited player and exercising his god given right to earn as much money as your everyday welder, right?

So why the bad press?

So Martina Hingis made dozens of insensitive comments regarding race, sexual preference and a host of other things before 'unjustly' being tested positive for cocaine use... she's cute, just leave her be.

I could fill an encyclopedia with examples of these unjustices.

Stupid athletes are a tiny but vocal minority and though they come from many races, religions, backgrounds, and both genders they have no way to defend themselves against this cultural cruelty. I therefor propose they stand up and create a new Stupid Athlete Religion, complete with yearly holidays and tax write-offs. Let us now move on to the Stupid Athlete Religion's ten commandments:

1. I am bigger than the fan. A huge money making machine has poured cash and/or endorsements into my cause thereby proving that my kind and sport would continue without a fan base. It is truly all about me. My talent justifies anything.

2. It is my right under my god, country and attitude to attend whatever drinking establishment, strip club, or illegal gaming event I want, and I shall not be held accountable for my actions by god, 'the man', the media, or my employer.

3. If playing in an appropriate team sport I shall recieve the ball, puck or similar tool of the offense as many times as I feel necessary for the team to prosper. For example, if I am a pain in the arse tight end I should get the football 65 % of the time. If there is a pain in the arse wide reciever on the same team he should also get the football 65% of the time. The system shall accomodate us, there must be more than 100 percents. The system shall figure this out. We stupid athletes didn't go to college to become nucular psychologists.

4. It is allowed by law for me to carry a weapon. As a member of the stupid athlete religion I shall not be judged by my employer or 'the man' how I use it, where I use it, or by what kind of weapon I choose to disharge.

5. Being a role model is not in my contract. If I so desire - a huge pay increase with incentives might change my mind.

6. Earning hundreds of thousands, or millions of dollars per year does not make me different from the average worker world wide. They just choose to spend their millions on things that are less cool.

7. Missing team meetings and practices only proves that I am greater than the average athlete who needs such ceremony.

8. A coach or trainer is a distraction until they build their strategy around my talents.

9. I cannot lose and any rumor to the contrary means that referees, umpires, or judges were making unfair decisions against me.

10. It is the function and duty of a union to create loopholes for me to escape punishment and their involvement alone is proof of my innocence.

This is a good starting point but the Stupid Athlete Religion isn't about lists. It's about freedom and love... love of money and fame. Gather and pray and give your donation...