The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary
Maine-iac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine ]. While satirical
in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. This is an
excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.
The speech George W. Bush might give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow
Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't
know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has
happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone
gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid
prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of
laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you
people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going
on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours.
And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by
politicians and the news media.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and
most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because
there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small
handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront
property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood
for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized
Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't
give me this 'Bush Lied...People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you
morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq
so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the
intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam
had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq
was official USpolicy before I came into office. Some guy named ' Clinton '
established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
Now some of you morons want to be led by a junior senator
with no understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says
we should attack Pakistan , a nuclear ally. And then he wants to go to Iran
and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us. While
he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the
Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the
government can give welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into
citizens, so they can vote to re-elect him. He also thinks it's okay for
Iran to have nuclear weapons, and we should stop our foreign aid to Israel.
Did you sleep through high school?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy.
Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and
economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because
fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were
simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy
don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as
long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as
they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the **** are all over
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of
us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's
because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence,
military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make
sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be
a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a
long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing
things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think
that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help
the enemy Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a
donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you
might just as well Fed Ex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to
the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth.
It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York
Times, USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any
smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.
I could say more about your expectations that the government
will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a
city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that government,
not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the
conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an
energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the
capability to be fully self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of
Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no
one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age
before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi
is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully,
there maybe nothing left for the Messiah come January.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America.
Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.
PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a
The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary
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