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First it was the Browns firing of Coach Romeo Crennel, then Rod Marinelli and the Lions parted ways. Shortly thereafter both Eric Mangini and Mike Shanahan were shown the door by their respective teams. And just when you thought the NFL coaching carousel couldn’t spin any faster, along comes the Raiders and Al Davis to spice things up again.

Apparently feeling left out of the hiring and firing news of late, Davis knew he needed to act.

“I was concerned that the Raiders were starting to lose their status as the team most likely to fire a head coach,” said Davis, speaking at his weekly press conference through a self-made paper megaphone. “As President of the Raiders, I am charged with keeping our team at the top of the list of worst places for a head to coach to land, and I hadn’t made a move since I fired that smart-mouth little punk Wade Griffin back on September 30, 1998.” (Here the press conference was briefly interrupted as Davis’ handlers rushed to the podium and reminded him that the smart-mouth little punk he fired was actually named Lane Kiffin and that the year was actually 2008.)

After firing his handlers for correcting him in public, Davis resumed the press conference by stating that contrary to reports by that “professional liar, amateur rodeo clown and noted part-time male escort” Chris Mortensen, the Raiders were not leaning towards hiring current interim coach Tom Cable as a permanent solution to their coaching vacancy. Further, Davis denied any interest in hiring New York Giants OC Kevin Gilbride because, according to Davis “he seemed like a guy who might do well enough to stay here for a while.”

Instead, Davis announced that just before the press conference, the Raiders had reached an agreement to hire former Boston College head coach “Jeb Jagorinski” as the next coach of the Silver and Black. “Jeb came highly recommended to me as someone who understands what its like to work for a boss who will fire you on a moments notice. As a young, smart, successful and ambitious coach, he is the perfect choice to be the next former head coach of the Raiders. I can tell you that I have already met with Coach Jargoreeski this morning in his office, and I didn’t like the way he carried himself. He acted like he owned the place and even had the audacity to put pictures of his own family in there.”

Following his statement, Davis introduced Coach Jagodzinski as the Head Coach of the Oakland Raiders, and then proceeded to fire him “with cause” as he made his way to the podium. Showing signs of emotion, Jagodzinski noted that he was disappointed, but still appreciative of the opportunity to be a head coach in the NFL. He noted his experiences of “the plane ride out to Oakland” and “bumping into Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell in the hallway” as memories he would take with him of his time with the team. As for the again vacant head coach position in Oakland, the search continues.

SportsComedian.com
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