I got a lifetime membership at Belly's Total Fatness.
Now I can join Joba Chamberlain and CC Sabathia when they play bumper cars in the bullpen at the new Yankee Stadium. The reason for the new stadium is that these two tubbies were too fat to fit into the old stadium.
When Chamberlain heard that Sabathia was coming to the Yankees, he had a flashback to the 2006 playoff game in Cleveland and started running around screaming "The flies! The flies!" MLB is so excited that they are developing a pitching machine that can throw a Big Mac into Chamberlain's mouth from a distance of 60 feet 6 inches.
The problem about baseball is that everybody spends the most beautiful part of the year worrying about October.
People should stop complaining about Michael Phelps and Shaun Ellis smoking reefer. It's obviously enhancing their job performance. Instead of complaining, they should find out what these guys are smoking and give some to the other athletes. It obviously helped Plaxico Burress the only time he ever missed the ball, which is when he stuck the gun in the waistband of his sweatpants at the Latin Quarter and it went off, missing his balls by a couple of inches. I bet he's happy about that.
Phelps may lose out on a couple of endorsements, but he'll probably get one from the Mexican Marijuana Growers Association, MOTA (Mexican Organization for Training Athletes).
Kobe Bryant of the Lakers scored an all-time high of 61 points against the Knicks. It's a shame that every time an athlete does great at Madison Square Garden, he's from an opposing team. I'm taking up a collection to buy ex-Knicks president Isiah Thomas a full bottle of Lunesta, so that the next time he decides to check out, he has all the resources to finish the job. In the meantime, you got Eddy Curry, who has played exactly 3 minutes this season, and is being sued by his male chauffeur for sexual harassment; and Stephon Marbury, who isn't even allowed into the Garden despite collecting $28 million. All you can say about the Knicks is that they seem to be doing better this year because at least they're losing by smaller margins.
Oh, New York sports is a real mess. The Wilpons family, who owns the Mets, got swindled out of $500 million dollars by Bernie Madoff, who now seems to be picking the team roster. They signed Oliver Perez, who was 10-7 last year, but declined to pick up Manny Ramirez, who could have done a lot more for the team. The only good thing is that they are bringing back manager Jerry Manuel, who learned from managing the White Sox that the only thing players like José Reyes understand is a big knife.
The greatest performance at the Super Bowl was from Bruce Springsteen, who I thought was going to pass out from working so hard during his half-time show. This guy is no kid, and with all that jumping around and sliding across the stage on his knees, all the while singing and playing, he looked worse than James Harrison after his 100 yd. interception and run-back touchdown. The problem is, Harrison pulled that neat little feat too early in the game and everybody forgot about it in all the excitement about Larry Fitzgerald and Antonio Holmes scoring touchdowns.
Ben Roethlisberger's back is not big enough for all the letters in his name, and you have to be a college professor even to read it, never mind pronounce it. Between Roethlisberger and Kurt Warner, there were so many Germans that I thought I was watching a rerun of "Hogan's Heroes". Now that Kurt Warner has crapped out again, Hollywood is taking him and Brett Favre and putting them in a remake of "Grumpy Old Men." ("You don't know **** about football!" "Oh, yeah? Take that!" Hits him with his cane)
I feel sorry for Sean Avery, who was thrown out of hockey for referring to his ex-girlfriend as sloppy seconds. Hell, they should get a look at my old girlfriends, who are sloppy thirds, fourths, fifths and leftovers. (I know, I know...)
Well, that's all, folks. I got to go back to my job of shining up the Porto-Sans at Keyspan Stadium in time for the Brooklyn Cyclones opener.