01:57 PM ET 03.08 |
I felt real bad when I saw the dejected expressions on the face of the Canadian baseball players and fans at Toronto Stadium last night. Real bad. After all, they had just gotten the yellow snow stomped out of them.
Look at it this way: they got hockey, but USA owns the rest of the world.
Three years ago we sent our team against Canada in the first World Baseball Classic for what we thought was going to be a nice, friendly little game between neighbors. We didn't realize how bad they wanted to stomp us.
Canada has got a lot of good players, but everything they know they learned from us. We took those boys in when they were raw, like little orphans, and taught them everything they know. And how do they pay us back? By trying to stab us in the back.
Anyway, we learned our lesson: no more mister nice guy. As former president George Bush once put it, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm an idiot."
Some times, whan a person is so overwhelmingly superior, like the USA is at baseball, which we invented and we completely dominate, that person has a tendency to let his guard down, especially whan he is playing a second-rate team like Team Canada. When you don't respect your opponent and you don't give your best effort, you can get defeated by a midget or a r???tard who is focused on winning. That is what happened against Team Canada in 2006.
This time we were ready for all of Canada's sleazy tricks, like spreading maple syrup on the jogging track so our outfielders would slip and slide, and sending out a giant pea soup Frenchman to pitch pancakes to us. No Frenchman can throw a baseball, OK? Their hands are not suitably shaped for baseball. that's why the Montreal Expos collapsed - frog hands.
Never mind that. We know they're jealous of us. We're down here in the sunshine, surfing and swimming, while they're freezing their Canuck ar$es off in a giant walk-in freezer. Their money looks like a rack of freakin Valentines cards. The only good thing they got is beer, which is a good thing so that they have something to cry in after we kick their bu??????s at baseball.
Anyway, Canada doesn't own hockey either. The Russians do. Unlike Canada, the Russians are not a soft touch. They are hard cases. One time, when Russia was under communism but was still kicking Canada's bu?????? at hockey, the Canadians complained that the Russians were sending their best hockey players, who they were calling amateurs, while Canada's best players were ineligible because they were technically professionals.
The Russians said, "Send anybody you want".
This time the Canadian sent their best NHL talent. They said, "Now we are going to show those commies who's boss".
Guess what? Canada collapsed. They always collapse. In the whole history of the Olympics Canada has won about two medals. They're soft. Their best boxer, Arturo Gatti, was an Italian. They have football, but their biggest stars are American rejects, and they have to restrict the number of Americans each team can sign, or we would take that over completely as well.
The only sport Canadians are only good at is curling, which is like shuffleboard, but they take brooms and sweep the ice (don't ask me why). That's the only thing Canadians are good at, pushing a broom, except they keep falling through the ice because they're so fat.
Don't get me wrong. I like Canadians. They got money (at least once they convert that weird confetti into real dollars). I want them to keep coming down to the U.S and spending their money. Better still, why don't they just stay home and send us their money through the mail?