"THE BIG DANCE"
Who's Hooking Up and Who's Not?
March Madness is almost upon us--- No, not the NCAA basketball tournament, but the maddening task of trying to seat and pair teams for the tournament.
Who's in? Who's out? And who's on the bubble? Who should be seated number one and who shouldn't?
It seems this year, no one wants the top spot.
"This season there have been more changes in the polls than the government bailout!" said Louisville coach, Rick Pitino. "I'll leave the pairings up to the NCAA committee, because I sure wouldn't want to do it."
"It's anyone's guess who should be paired with whom," said Michigan State head coach, Tom Izzo. "For all I know, Heidi Fleiss could do it!"
Heidi Fleiss, the Hollywood Madam?
"Sure why not, she knows about pairing," replied Izzo. "Her guess is as good as anyone's."
Huh? Heidi Fleiss? ...Why not? So, I sought out Heidi for her take.
Kay: "Heidi, the ???Big Dance,' the NCAA basketball tournament starts this month, what teams do you think should be chosen?"
Fleiss: "Dance? Where's the party? I'm ready! I'm a party girl!"
Kay: "No, it's not that kind of party! The ???Big Dance' is a term used to describe the NCAA basketball tournament."
Fleiss: "I don't know? I don't know about basketball, but I know a lot of basketball players!"
Kay: "I'm sure you do!
Kay: "Here's a list of potential teams. Sixty-four teams plus one need to be seated into four brackets of sixteen teams; wanna give it a shot!"
Fleiss: Laughs "Funny, that's what my date said last night."
Fleiss: "Racks and rackets, I know about, but brackets? You're asking the wrong girl."
Kay: "You're the Hollywood Madame; you should know something about pairing, shouldn't you?"
Fleiss: "I do know about pairing; I've hooked up enough guys... I guess I could do it."
Kay: "Okay, let's start with this list of teams; you pair them up."
North Carolina Tar Heels
Michigan State Spartans
Duke Blue Devils
Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Marquette Golden Eagles
Arizona State Sun Devils
Illinois Fighting Illini
Florida State Seminoles
Ohio State Buckeyes
Fleiss: "I see a lot of animals, so I guess I would hook up Savannah [Bees], she sounds sultry with the [Marquette] Golden Eagles and [The Louisville] Cardinal." giggles "A threesome--- kind of kinky!"
Kay: "Huh? What!?"
Fleiss: "I matched up the birds and the bees!"
Kay: "Heidi, it's not that kind of pairing!
Fleiss: "What about the [Wake Forest] Demons hook up with the [Arizona State] Sun Devils? Wouldn't that be a match made in Hell!"
Kay: "Heidi, these are not hookups! It's a basketball tournament and you are supposed to pair teams with one another, not set them up on dates!"
Fleiss: "I am! How about the [Butler] Bulldogs and the [Washington] Huskies; I bet you they do it doggy style!"
Kay: "Never mind. What if you just put them into two groups; the North / South and the East / West."
Fleiss: "Okay, the North Humans versus the South Animals."
Kay: "Heidi, you have a very unique way of pairing teams."
Fleiss: "I just go with my gut instinct; man versus animal."
Kay: "Man versus animal?
Fleiss: "I'd pair the wild animals, like the Tigers, Panthers and Wildcats against the domesticated animals, like the Huskies and Bulldogs and I'd throw in the birds."
Kay: "The Eagles and Jayhawks?"
Fleiss: "Sure, they're not much of a threat!"
Kay: "They can be dangerous; they're carnivores."
Fleiss: "They're carnival birds?"
Kay: "Huh? No. Carnivore means they eat meat."
Fleiss: "I thought they eat birdseed?"
Kay: "Okay? ...Let's move on to the pairings?"
Fleiss: "I guess I would pair the Guys that have jobs versus the Guys that don't have jobs."
Fleiss: "I would pair up the military guys, the [Xavier] Musketeers (French infantry soldiers) and the [Michigan State] Spartans (Greek warriors) against the [North Carolina] Tar Heels (Residents of North Carolina) and [Oklahoma] Sooners (thieves from Oklahoma).
Kay: "I see, but what about the Ohio State Buckeye's where would they fit in?"
Fleiss: "I'd pair the Buckeyes with the East Tennessee State Buccaneers."
Kay: "Why East Tennessee State?"
Fleiss: "One has a buck eye and the other has a buck ear!"
Kay: "Sorry Heidi, but Buckeye doesn't refer to an eye, they're nuts."
Fleiss: "Then, I would match them up with the Mary Baldwin College Squirrels, because every squirrel is looking for a NUT!"
Copyright 2009 Steve Kay