"CUE THE MUSIC, LET THE DANCE BEGIN"
Louisville vs. Morehead State: Morehead? Isn't that something Pamela Anderson said to Tommy Lee??? I like "More Head" but Louisville is loaded.
Do the Eagles of Morehead have a chance against the Cardinals of Louisville? Ask their coach, Ricky "Louie" Pitino.
"I am an offensive minded coach, so I intend on attacking our opponent," said coach Pitino.
"What strategy are you going to take?"
"We are going to hit them with our strengths."
"And they are?"
"We're a city of Louis's, so we'll hit 'em with every Louis we got!"
"Louis? What? Hit ? 'em with a Louis?"
"We'll hit 'em with Lewis' Earl Clark, Luis' Samardo Samuels and Edgar Luiz' Sosa. If that isn't enough, we'll bang em with Terry Lou' Williams and Jerry Lou' Smith!"
Remember, it's not boo, it's lou!
Ohio State vs. Siena: If I recall correctly, isn't there a Crayola color named, Burnt Siena? Enough said.
Wake Forest vs. Cleveland State: "Somebody wake Forrest up, the NCAA selection committee is on the phone."
"What do they want, mama?" asked Forrest.
"They said they're looking for the best team from Carolina."
"It must be a wrong number mama; they probably meant to dial Duke or UNC?"
"No, they said, they want you, Forrest!"
"Funny, momma you're right, Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.'"
As for... Cleveland? Who State? Ohio State? No, Cleveland State. As long as LeBron doesn't play for them, The Demon Deacons will... leave them in their wake."
Kansas vs. North Dakota State: The North Dakota State Bison come thundering into town. Unfortunately, Kansas head coach, Bill Self, The Wizard of Oz, clicks his yellow and ruby Addidas slippers together and blows' away the Bison. It's the wicked Jayhawks of the West. Oh me! Oh my!"
Boston College vs. Southern California: This is a matchup of biblical proportions. Biblical you say? BC (Before Christ) vs. SC (Since Christ). SC hasn't been to the final four since 1954 and probably won't this year either. Football still reigns supreme in the city of Troy.
Michigan State vs. Robert Morris: Michigan State is celebrating 30 years of 'Magic'. How could the Spartans lose to a guy who signed the Declaration of Independence?
Connecticut vs. Chattanooga: C'mon, admit it, you have a difficult time spelling either team. But, this is for sure, Connecticut will 'connect' on their threes and 'cut' the Chattanooga Choo Choo right out of the tournament.
BYU vs. Texas A&M: Last year's first round matchup revisited; the Utes vs. the Aggies.
"What's an Aggie?"
"I think it's a farmer from Texas?"
"What's a Ute?"
"I don't know, why don't you go ask Joe Pesci from My Cousin Vinny."
"'Utes' are young, hungry basketball players from Brigham Young."
Then, I'll go with the young, hungry ones.
Purdue vs. Northern Iowa: Ever climb a mountain in Iowa? Me neither. Purdue? or Purdon't? As Phil Knight would say, "Just Pur Do it!"
Marquette vs. Utah State: When Utah State's head coach, Stew Morrill informed his team that they were going to 'Marquette' to play their first round game; his team responded in saying, "We're playing inside a market? I hope we don't have to play in the frozen foods section, it might be a bit too cold."
California vs. Maryland: The Cal Golden Bears take on the Maryland Terrapins.
"What's a terrapin?"
"It's the opposite of leaving a ten pin in bowling."
With Maryland, Hall of Fame head coach, Gary Williams leading the way, it won't be a 'Merry Land' when the Bears get 'bowled' over!
Memphis vs. Cal State Northridge: The Memphis Tigers vs. the CSN Matadors. Will the Matadors have enough to tame the Tigers?
You know the old saying, "You mess with the bull, sometimes you get the horns." In this case, it's not a bullfight; it's not even a fight. The Tigers trounce the Matadors and start another Cal State Northridge earthquake.
Oklahoma State vs. Tennessee: The Oklahoma Cowboys vs. the Tennessee Volunteers. Like almost every occupation in our failing economy, Cowboys are being laid off as fast as auto workers. But Volunteers? Obama made the call in November and they showed up en masse. Free labor wins!
UCLA vs. VCU: VCU? It sounds like a special care unit in the hospital.
Have the Rams of Virginia Commonwealth checked to make sure their health insurance is current? Why? They're going to need it.
John Wooden is not dead yet, and neither are the Bruins.
Villanova vs. American: Sort of what's happened to the American car companies; what should I buy? Foreign or American? Chevy 'Villa' Nova or American Motors Eagle?
Neither one will get you to the Final Four.
Texas vs. Minnesota: The Texas Longhorns vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers. Remember Punxsutawney Phil, the ground hog that comes out every spring to see his shadow? If he see's his shadow, it's an early spring and if he doesn't, it's a late spring? This just in... Phil overslept.
Duke vs. Binghamton: Binghamton? It sounds like a quaint little town on Long Island where the rich and famous stay for the summer. Unfortunately, the Duke Blue Devils own Long Island!
North Carolina vs. Radford: I didn't know Robert Radford, err Redford, fielded a basketball team? Unfortunately, no one informed the Highlanders either. Remember Redford's latest movie, The Unforeseen (2008)? Neither did we.
LSU vs. Butler: Remember the who dunnit game, Clue? Was it Professor Plum? Was it Colonel Mustard? Do you suspect Mrs. White or Mr. Green? No, it was the Butler!
No one plays [board] games anymore, and neither does LSU!
Illinois vs. Western Kentucky: The Fighting Illini vs. the Hilltoppers. It's the modern day version of the Hatfield's vs. The McCoy's. The team with the biggest musket, I mean biggest gun wins.
Gonzaga vs. Akron: It's the Zags vs. Zips. The Zips are a lock. It's in the bag!
Arizona State vs. Temple: "Welcome to the Temple of Doom, let's see if you can reach the Holy Grail!"
"Holy Grail? We're [Sun] Devils, there is nothing holy about us! We pillage and plunder. Temple coach, Fran Dunphy can celebrate all he wants with [Dionte] Christmas, but we will take home the chalice!"
Syracuse vs. Stephen F. Austin: Remember the Bionic Man? Stephen F. Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man? Well, six million isn't what it used to be.
Even though they're a funny color, the Orangemen will concentrate and crush the Lumberjacks into a woody pulp!
Clemson vs. Michigan: The Clemson Tigers vs. the Michigan Wolverines. They're both on the endangered species list.
Oklahoma vs. Morgan State: You know the Capt'n Morgan spiced rum liquor commercial, "Gotta a little Morgan in you?"
Well, the Morgan State mantra all year has been, "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."
Too bad, the Golden Bears drank one too many.
The Sooners hitch up their wagon and steal their entire bar!
Copyright 2009 Steve Kay