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The Sports Comedian

The Sports Comedian - SportsComedian.com

Boston Celtic Scientists Shut Down Kevin Garnett For Repairs

  • 09:54 AM ET  04.02
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Doc Rivers announced today that scientists from the Boston Celtics would be shutting down Kevin Garnett for repairs until the playoffs. Rivers said Garnett's knee has not been healing as well as the team would have hoped, so they were going to unplug him and remove his primary power circuits for a general repair.

"Something is clearly wrong with this model of Kevin Garnett," said Dr. Bashir, one of the creators of the cyborg seven-footer. "He has not won a championship for Boston in almost a year, and that is just not what he was programmed to do. When the Celtics hired me to build him, they wanted a player so great he could win 5 or 6 NBA titles per season, but not turn on mankind and make us all into robot-serving slaves. Last year was an absolute failure with just the one, so we'll try to improve this time around."

The scientist at Celtics Labs will go in and completely rebuild the knee from scratch, and have even considered replacing his entire legs with a hover craft or tank treads. There is nothing in league rules expressly forbidding a hovercraft, so the team hopes this could provide an edge in the playoffs over hovercraft-less centers like Dwight Howard.

Bashir's work as a cybernetics genius has come under fire recently as several of his models have failed to perform up to their expectations. But he says he expects his repairs on the David Ortiz and the Tom Brady to bring home more Boston championships next year.

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