The
United States was given something to cheer about today as an American
runner actually finished the Boston marathon. Mitch Malone took home
somethingth place in the contest. People were counting at one point,
but they lost interest after the first several hundred people crossed
the finish line. Malone made a statement to all the other countries
from Africa and South American that traditionally dominate this contest
that maybe the Americans are poised for a comeback in the sport of
running.
Malone's journey was an exhausting one, as he started
off strong in the pack of early race leaders. But after about an hour
he found himself a little thirsty, so he stopped in a Starbucks to grab
a mocha caramel frappuchino, the low-cal variety since he likes to
watch his figure during a race. Things slowed down for him though, when
they added a little too much caramel syrup, and he had to send it back
3 times to have them do over again. This costed him precious time, but
they added extra whipped cream on top, so he overlooked the delays.
After
that he continued on his epic run for a bit, before realizing he was
passing his mother's house. He stopped in there for a bit to get a
piece of pie, and watch a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond that
happened to be on TBS. The hilariously awkward situation Raymon was
able to get out of with his parents inspired Malone to take a quick
poop and then continue on his journey.
He then entered what is
known as death row for the American runners, a street containing no
less than 20 fast food restaurants. KFC, McDonalds, Burger King, they
were all passing Malone as he jogged on by them, struggling to fight
the urge to super size the growing hunger in his stomach. But he
remained vigilant and made the choice one of the superior Kenyan
runners would probably have made, if they were overweight and had the
short attention span of an American, he grabbed a bratwurst from a
street vendor.
But as he polished off the sausage in a full
sprint towards the finish line, the Americans watching at home cheered
on this valiant man. As he crossed the line with a time just under 10
hours, he held an American flag high in the air to celebrate his
accomplishment.
When asked what he will do now, Malone said he's
going to Disney Land...where he will pretend he has a foot injury so he
can ride in a wheelchair all day because he doesn't know if he even
wants to try walking again.
- 10:14 AM ET 04.21
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