My lawyer said I have to get these discalimers out of the way first. So, I hold these truths to be self-evident...ooops, wrong one.
Ok, I laboured and tolied for 3 1/2 mintues on this mocking draft. Which is about 3 minutes longer than I could do last year. That cialis stuff really works.
What about the disclaimer?
Stupid lawyer. Fine. These things we can count on:
Some team will make a really stupid pick.
Some team will make a really stupid trade.
Some team will make a stupid trade and turn that into a really stupid pick.
Some stupid dog will post a stupid blog thinking he knows something about the NFL.
Finally, none of these picks are to be taken seriously becuase once teams are on the clock they are the only ones who know what they want to do so don't listen to the "experts" and don't listen to dogs, unless you're David Berkowitz.
Now that we have the formailites out of the way, let's get it on.
Although it will happen, I am not trying to predict any trades. This mock will assume everyone takes their picks when they are supposed to. If I think a team will trade, I'll mention it. Otherwise, continue to ignore my faulty logic.
- Lions - They have to make a great pick here or the fans are gonna have Schwartz' ass. I was this close to giving them a receiver, just for old time's sake. But since they can't seem to get a deal done before the draft, I'll make the pick for them - Mark Stafford.
- Rams - They still need a lot of help - OT, QB, WR, waterboy, headset wire holder, sock washer, the list is endless. So how about I give them a receiver who they should be familiar with - Jeremy Maclin.
- Chiefs - I haven't seen anyone so desperate for a new position since Marilyn Chambers tried.....We interupt this blog to remind the dog that this is a family blog, please stand by. Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, the Chiefs will do everything they can to trade out of this spot but I'm not sure anyone else wants it. So let's just give them B.J. Raji.
- Seahawks - Well, they need a really good insurance plan for their receivers. But they also desperately need a running game. So let's give them some spunk by calling Knowshon Moreno.
- Browns - Forget the rumors that they are interested in trading for Stafford. They already have one over rated over hyped QB on their team why would they want another. Let's give them some much needed help on defense by the way someone who can kick some butt - Aaron Curry.
- Bengals - Well they traded away a good receiver. So let's replace him with what I think will be the biggest bust at the position since Dwayne Jarrett and have them take Michael Crabtree.
- Raiders - Wouldn't you just love to know what is going on inside Al Davis' head? Yeah me neither. I don't think I could survive that. They picked up a decent RB last year. They already have an over paid over rated QB, so those two options are out. Let's give them a receiver even though he doesn't have anyone who can get him the ball - Percy Harvin.
- Jaguars - They probably don't want to trade out, but they will definitely entertain offers to be someone's trade date. This spot is a good position to be in because players will be slightly more affordable and you can get good value here without losing out on talent. So let's get crazy and give them some help in the secondary in the way of Alphonso Smith.
- Packers - Now that they don't have to worry about off season drama from the queen, they should be able to focus on what they need. How about some help on the defensive line and give them Everette Brown.
- 49ers - So what will Singletary do in his first draft? I mean other than give colorful press conferences. Go with defense of course. Clay Matthews.
- Bills - The Bills will probably try to trade one of their picks, but which one? I don't know. Do you think they will trade with the Cowboys and draft an over rated QB? Nah, not this time. Let them draft one of the most versatile linemen around in Max Unger.
- Broncos - Without Shanahan they can finally work on fixing their pinata of a defense. Like the Bills they have the option of trading a pick. But let them keep this and have them start their new era off with someone who has no business going this high, Brian Orakpo.
- Redskins - Snyder hates drafts because he can't mortgage the team on an an over priced over-the-hill veteran in the draft. I don't have a clue what he is thinking. So let me give him what will be the biggest bust in the NFL ever - Andre Smith.
- Saints - Nawlins desperately needs help in the secondary. Their corners trying to cover receivers is like trying to cover Shaq with a wash cloth. Unfortunately they are not gonna help their cause when they pick Malcolm Jenkins.
- Texans - What do the Texans really need? I mean besides consistency. I don't know. So let me pull any old name out of the hat. The unlucky winner is Louis Delmas.
- Chargers - What is going on in Norv Turners mind? Just what I thought, not much. Even though there is plenty of room in there. I'm not gonna give this pick much thought either. Rey Maualuga.
- Jets - While it is tempting to think Ryan will draft strictly defense, let's not overlook the most intriguing option available. While they do need a QB, I don't think they will use this pick as a QB. Pat White will be used as a pretty darn good "slash" player. I think he would be comfortable in that role.
- Broncos - Didn't we already talk bad about these guys? Oh wait, Shanahan's gone so we don't have to anymore. So, let's give them the next Ryan Leaf but with a different name - Mark Sanchez.
- Bucs - Poor Tampa. All the good picks that they need have already been taken. So what does that leave them? How does Michael Johnson sound?
- Lions - So what will the Lions do with this gift warped pick they suckered the Cowboys into giving them? Well, they probably won't trade it, but let's give them a linebacker that I don't think is worth it, but he has the potential to prove me wrong, James Laurenitis.
- Eagles - They missed their chance to reunite with TO. Too bad, that would have been fun to watch. Instead let's give them soem help on the line by the way of Michael Oher.
- Vikings - Well, we all know Childress is too stupid to upgrade at QB. SO let's give him an equally stupid pick which would only make sense to a middle school gym teacher, Alex Mack.
- Pats - It's no point giving them a pick here because you know they will trade it for 217 picks for the next draft. So let's make it easy for them - Brian Cushing.
- Falcons - They really need a QB...wait no they don't. How about a TE? Well other than the fact no TE's get drafted in the 1st round, they just got a half way decent one via trade. Well shoot, what do they need? Um, lte's just give them some d-line help from Peria Jerry. And someone please tell him to fix his name. It looks like it should be Jerry Peria.
- Fins - I really want to give them a WR, but with Parcells still calling the shots, who knows. It will most likely be defense. So Tyrone Jackson sounds like someone Parcells would draft.
- Ravens - Well, they don't need a QB either. They could use a receievr but why over pay for a position you can get in the next round. Well heck, when in doubt draft a corner - Vontae Davis.
- Colts - This pick make absolutely no sense. They really need a receiver but there aren't any who are worthy of a 1st round price tag. So just for the sake of continuing to make a mockery of the draft, they can have Brian Robiskie.
- Bills - What? These guys again? They will probably trade this one away but let's assume they dont. And let's assume the dog doesn't know anything about football. They can have Robert Ayers.
- Giants - Well they couldn't find a receiver in the off season so why not have them draft one too early. Darrius Heyward-Bey.
- Titans - As long as they have VY on the bench, they can't justify drafting a QB. It's not like there is a worthy one left anyway. So let's give them some help on the defensive line - Ron Brace.
- Cards - I am hoping they make of the be better picks here and not just follow suit with lame brain head scratching. They probably won't be smart enough to do it, so I'll make the smart pick for them - Donald Brown.
- Steelers - I think it's obvious they help on the o-line. That is if they want to keep Rothelelel, er, Roethmelis, um Big Ben somewhat healthy. So let them have the bst of what is left, Eugene Monroe.
Well there you have it. A complete mockery of the draft. You may now go back and try to regain time you wasted reading. Good luck and good night.