Horses
all around the country once again held their annual celebration of
being faster than humans at the Kentucky Derby on Sunday. The event,
which many humans consider to be an insulting party thrown by the
equines, proved once again that they are indeed the better species at
running around a dirt track.
"These **** just can't help
rubbing it in our faces that they are the better species," said
longtime human Marshall Gilbert. "We are so much faster than you, we
can digest grass and hay, and hooves are so much better than feet. I'm
tired of hearing about it. It's bad enough they are taking all our
jobs, they don't have to do something like this to relish their
dominance every year."
Indeed, the horseism has spread all over
the country in these tough economic times. After American car companies
laid off a large portion of their workers over the past decade in favor
of horse laborers, many speculate that it led to a direct decline in
the quality of their products. One horse spokesman said "In no way
would we be deliberately sabotaging the quality of a product that
itself made horses obsolete over 100 years ago...No...We would never do
something like that..."
Over 140,000 people attended this year's
135rd Kentucky Derby, to watch and appease the race that may one day be
our animal overlords. As is tradition, each horse participating in the
race strapped a small puny human to his back, as proof that they could
not possibly complete the course on their own feet.
"Look, I
think we all know Americans are probably ready now to elect a horse as
President," said Gilbert. "Once that happens, we're going to see a lot
of anti-human laws go into effect. So, we better just start sucking up
to them now."
- 09:38 AM ET 05.05
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