Kevin Youkilis Wears Granny Panties
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  Universally, he is the Goat to end all Goats. He is the receiver of more one-fingered salutes and four letter words (not love) than anyone besides maybe Benedict Arnold and Barry Bonds. He is Steve Bartman: the devoted Cubbies fan that wanted a token that any baseball fan would desire- a foul ball-from a PLAYOFF GAME,no less.

Has a sports fan ever risen to such fame so quickly-and, has someone's fifteen minutes of fame ever seemed more like a criminal punishment? Steve Bartman: the sweatered Cub fan with the 1989 walkman and $6.99 Airport headphones. The Bartman saga lives on today, running like a sport fan's soap opera. The saga of Bartman includes three acts:"The Interference", "The Immediate Aftermath",and "The Disappearance." As the first two acts have been beaten to a pulp, I explore the third act, that is incidentally the most curious. Where has the man who seemingly ruined all hope for the Cubs gone since Moises Alou spat in his face? I've come up with the Three Most Likely Conclusions:

1. Steve Bartman has gone into seclusion somewhere in the United States, somewhere where no American, especially Cub fan, would dare to look. Somewhere extremely quiet, a place that no sport fan would pay attention to...it's obvious now, Steve Bartman is hiding in a hockey arena.

2. Plastic surgeons have performed some kind of extreme makeover on Stevie B. The surgery would make him unrecognizable to the Average Sports Fan. A soccer player would make sense in this situation, one preferably not named Beckham.

3. Steve Bartman has left America, perhaps for Canada,Mexico-what have you. He has departed the country for a place that receives absolutely no attention from Americans whatsoever. See you in Beijing, Mr. Bartman.

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