Da J Zone
By Jeff Black

"Good things come to those who wait." That must be going through Pat Bowlen's head this morning. I have unconfirmed reports that he finally got invited to the Stupid Owner's Club, a secret cigar and wine tasting society rumored to have members from Al Davis to George Steinbrenner, and from Mark Cuban to Jerry Jones.

Bowlen expected the call late this spring after the firing of Denver icon Mike Shanahan and trade of Pro Bowl quarterback Jay Cutler. Sources tell me that Bowel didn't receive the invitation until Wednesday because those two moves alone weren't significant enough to gain access to Cuban's Cubans and Brandy collection, but after the invitation committee saw the play of Kyle Orton they realized that Bowlen meant business and truly wanted into the club.

So where does this leave Broncos fans state-wide? Don't fret. Colorado is going to be in better shape than ever - literally. While polls are still in the early stages, it appears that Kyle Orton may single handedly kick the obesity problem for Colorado and several neighboring states. An astounding number of father-son combos have started going outside and exercising during Broncos games. There are multiple reasons for this, the obvious being disgust, and lack of interest in football as a sport with a guy like Orton playing. But what is keeping couch potato fathers from just simply changing the channel is Orton's extremely bad play. Many middle age ex-athletes have begun working out because if Brett Favre and Kyle Orton can be in the NFL, why not them? Colorado males between 12 and 40 have already lost an average of one percent body-fat.

The story behind Kyle Orton doesn't end there. He's tackling the economic crisis as well. Not only are Denver metro-area bookies expecting to double their profits this season, local businesses will be able to add another full day of revenue during football season that many retailers have simply gone without in years past.

A Thornton liquor merchant explains. "The blue laws weren't in place for moral reasons. Selling alcohol was illegal on Sundays because legislature wanted Coloradoans to be sober to watch John Elway, to give everyone something to talk about on Mondays, and lift everyone's spirits. There were a few rough years, but then Cutler came along, and the state was lifted again, but with Orton leading the team, there just wasn't any hope, so they started letting me sell on Sundays and now, with all of the depressed football fans, my Sunday business is booming!"

But Orton isn't done yet. In every computer simulation of the season thus far, Orton solves the health care crisis. By stretching out his receivers over the middle and causing severe, if not fatal, injuries. The amount of medical work needed quickly will point out the ridiculousness of public health care as ESPN will make it quite clear that athletes shouldn't have to wait 3 years for an ACL surgery. And after Obama is recalled from office and the public option dropped, the multi-million dollar insurance policies in place on the bodies of Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal and Knowshon Moreno will bankrupt the big insurance companies and America will be forced to pay for their own health care without the bureaucracies of expensive insurance companies or the government.

So the next time you sit down to a Broncos game, don't start cussing Orton or Bowlen. They may have sacrificed a great football team this year, but they did it for America.


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