FanNation - The Republic of Sport

I have assembled a few one-sentence questions concerning the state of the Ravens entering the 2009 season. Please keep in mind that these are extremely rhetorical, as I have already provided you with appropriate answers. If these questions are as burning for you as they are for me, please consult your doctor.

(1) Why wouldn't we get Lorenzo Neal on the team?

You have a young fullback who has already been to the Pro Bowl and seems to have a tremendously high ceiling. You have one of the greatest fullbacks to ever play the game publicly saying he'd like to be a Raven this year. If you don't see the mentor/mentee connection you are mental. Even if the less than top dollar we would pay Neal is simply an investment in the future of Le'Ron McClain, it's worth it.

One of the major reasons the Ravens were so successful last year was time of possession. Our offense never set the world on fire, so the points we did score had to hold up. Enter 255 pound Lorenzo Neal immediately followed by 260 pound, 14.5 ounce Le'Ron McClain (Author's Note: The preceding statistics account for the weight of the football). Enter again. Again. AGAIN. Particularly in the fourth quarter, this is a recipe for wearing down already exhausted defenses. Last year the Raven's Kool-Aid tasted scrumptious; it would be a shame to leave off key ingredients this year.

(2) Why do we, the fan base, feel we need Brandon Marshall on the team?

I understand that we have a great locker room that would be a beneficial environment for a young man in need of guidance. Or Jesus. I understand that our wide receiving corps leaves a little bit to be desired. Hell, I even understand that we haven't had a true number one in... ever, and it might be good for the fan base to have a "Joe Flacco to (insert name)" connection that didn't require us to hold our collective breath and actively root again time itself (Author's Note: In an effort to go green, we at www.thebaltimorons.com feel obligated to point out that the exhalation of the collectively held breath of the Baltimore Ravens fan base creates such an atmospheric rise in alcohol vapors that nearby insects literally develop liver cancer; a feat made noticeably more impressive by their being completely liverless. Please, get a number one wide receiver. Think of the moths.).

The point is we are a running football team. Don't fool yourselves with the Flacco jerseys and the fancy quarterbacks throwing to each other nonsense (Author's Note: Bear in mind that that specific play was against the Raiders. [Author's Clarification: The Raiders suck at playing football]). At the end of the day if the Ravens have the ball at the fifteen yard line, you want them to run the ball three times to get the first down, then run the ball four more times for the score.

That mentality (and the always useful ability to execute) make both our quarterback and wide receivers better as opposing teams respect the box more than a group of seventh graders with their first issue of Playboy. People are so quick to point out that our receivers wouldn't hold their particular position on the depth chart on other teams. They're not on other teams, they're Ravens. We don't necessarily need the 6'3" speed demon that can command double coverage and be a top ten fantasy pick; we just want him. No seriously, we want him, please trade for Brandon Marshall.

(Author's Post Script: Sometimes when discussing the acquisition of a player fans state their interest by bestowing the team colors on him [i.e., "Man, Player X would look great in Black and Gold, now let's go grab some more terrible Iron City beer to celebrate Sid the Kid"]. When the Ravens fans do this, it just sounds creepy. "Man, I'd sure like to see that Marshall kid in purple. Mmm Hmm." ::Cue All Male Mood Music::)

(Author's Post Post Script: "Sid the Kid" sounds like the curse an evil gypsy would place on a pregnant woman.)

(3) Why does the national media think there is going to be such a drop off without Rex Ryan as the defensive coordinator?

It's not like our coaches haven't gone on to be the head guy at another program before, think Mike Nolan and Marvin Lewis. Frankly, having the longest tenured Raven being a Hall of Fame middle linebacker has padded the resumes of all of these gentlemen over the years.

This is probably just a bit of homer-ism, but I don't foresee that much of an effect from the loss. Certainly not from Jim Leonard, who everyone brings up when they discuss why we won't be as good in '09 without recognizing that it took an injury to Landry for him to see the field. Possibly not from Bart Scott, who, despite being an impressive player, was a cog in the Suggs-Lewis-Johnson machine. We will miss the aura of Rex Ryan on the sideline but it's not like he was doing the "Hot In Herre" dance out of the tunnel or ruining potential franchise quarterbacks with 108-yard interception returns. No one on the corner has swagga like us and no ONE on the team has swagga like US. Except Ray Lewis; his swagga is Mick Jagger.

(4) Why is Frank Walker still on the team?

I have no idea. I was at a training camp practice and I saw the man drop a towel that somebody threw to him when he needed to wipe the sweat off his head. I'm guessing the towel did a double move and he just couldn't recover.

(5) Is that munchkins I hear singing "Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead"?

Yes, although to be politically correct it's doughnut holes you are hearing. That's right, Yamon Figurs is now a Detroit Lion in ineptitude as well as in jersey! No more do Alex and I have to bellow "NORTH AND SOUTH" during every kick return like a pair of mentally challenged navigators. It's about time we stopped sounding like women (Author's Note: See what I did there?)

Coming out of Kansas State there were high hopes for the man who ran the fastest forty time at the combine. Unfortunately, that 4.3 in Indianapolis was the last time Figurs ran in a straight line, making him ill equipped to function as a return man in the NFL. I hope that's the last time we waste a pick on someone just because he had the best measurables in the draft, unless it's something like "Most Years Spent Homeless" or "Most Times Stabbed Outside of a Night Club in Salt Lake City".

This is an entry from the Baltimore-centric sports blog www.thebaltimorons.com