FanNation - The Republic of Sport

Our good friend Alex is dealing with car trouble because he wasn't smart enough to buy foreign. Don't get me wrong, I'm a red blooded AmeriCAN; not some bleeding-heart commu-terrorist like our President or anything, I just prefer an automobile that can get me from point A to point B and play a CD without running over a baby seal or whatever it is Alex does to the environment. Let me just put it this way: Japan has a sky-high literacy rate of 99% and an unemployment rate of only 3.8%. Michigan has the Detroit Lions.

But enough jokes about the punch line that is the American economic climate; it's time to get serious about improving our Baltimore Ravens. This open letter to you is generally an insightful look back at some of your decisions from the past week complete with deliciously rich pieces of praise surrounding nougats of wisdom for the coming games. Unfortunately, you're stuck with me as the author this week and my mind is vexed with bigger questions like: what the hell's a nougat and do we have any of those sum-guns in the fridge?

I'm not really sure how Al formats these things because I don't read anything he writes unless he's standing there watching me to see if I give any reactions. Even then I just sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in my head twice and give a beaming smile like he's just revealed some mythical truth about Baltimore sports hitherto unknown. All relationships are maintained through these little moments of gross exaggeration of the inherent worth of your partner's interests; a hetero-life-mate is no different.

But enough about me giving Alex a hard time, let's do the blogging thing and dissect every choice you've made over the past few days as though I possess the qualifications required to do so:

(1) Where was Paul Kruger?

Remember that time that you drafted a defensive end out of Utah in the second round of the draft and then he came in and played pretty much every snap in practice and preseason because the guy ahead of him on the depth chart had just signed a $63 million dollar contract and was subsequently injured with a mild sprain in his left I'm-too-rich-to-go-through-training-camp-besides-we-talkin'-'bout-practice and that second round pick played well and showed he belonged not only on an NFL team but also on the field only come to find out on game day he was told he wasn't activated and he had sweats in his locker instead of pads? Remember that? I do. I remember it like it was the day before the day before yesterday.

Suggs is clearly the superior player, but if he was really out with an injury for all those weeks he needed more than just a few snaps in the fourth preseason game to get him in game shape and ready to contribute in a big way, a supposition the statistics back up. It might have been more beneficial if he played half the snaps he did while splitting time with the rookie who gives the team the better chance to win while the main guy gets his game-speed legs underneath him. In your press conference you alluded to the fact that those guys who didn't suit up needed to be able to contribute on special teams in order to prove their value. It's tough for Kruger to get that chance without giving him a helmet...

(2) Where's you play sheet?

I can't help but notice that you wander around the sidelines without the multi-colored sheet of paper that all other head coaches cling to like it's Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket (Author's Note: Except Andy Reid, for him it could just be a regular Wonka Bar). What's the deal? Aren't you as paranoid as everyone else that the League of Evil Lip Readers will know your every move if you don't put an obstruction between your mouth and anyone who you could possibly want to hear you at all times?

I'm just kidding John; I think its kind of badass. You just stand there with your arms crossed looking handsome. You're so powerful that you don't need to call the plays; you have people to do that crap for you. While we're on the subject, I'm pretty sure deaf people everywhere are offended that NFL coaches think they have nothing better to do than steal play calls. Same thing goes for baseball. Attention Baltimore Orioles Pitching Staff: Opposing teams aren't trying to hear what you have to say, they actually find it kind of embarrassing to listen in on grown men crying.

(3) Where'd you learn to handle the media?

Speaking of hardcore, I love the way you always handle the repetitive questions during your press conferences. During the summer you had a delicate way of addressing Brandon Marshall rumors by stating that you loved the receiving corps you had but were always looking for ways to make the football team better. It wasn't quite a "F-U", it was more a gentle "S-T-F-U", and I respected the hell out of it.

You've had to go through the lack of national respect despite playing the AFC Championship game through to the end, you've had to have your draft picked apart when you went for a tackle who could improve the main attack of the football team on the ground while simultaneously protecting your franchise because you didn't jump on the second tier wide receivers available after San Fran did(n't) take Crabtree, and you've dealt with a fan base complaining that an offense that rolled through the preseason and into the regular season is missing a dynamic piece. That last sentence ran on more than a Johnny Cash tribute.

This all ties in with the most recent controversy where Keyshawn Johnson called your wideouts "bums" (Author's Note: Trust me, there is a post coming about this later in the week). Instead of pulling a "no comment" like most other coaches would, you diplomatically went to bat for our boys, saying:

"That's how our guys play, so it doesn't have anything to do with what some guy in front of a camera says. You start calling our guys names? We're not too impressed by that.

But, our guys are going to go play the way they play no matter what. We're not looking for someone else's respect. We don't need someone else to say good things about us. Matter of fact, we kind of like it when it goes the other way. They can keep saying those things all they want. We'll just keep showing up on Sunday."

Very classy John, I was impressed. Don't dignify that squinty-eyed little **** with a name? Check. Remind him of the unimportance of his life compared to going to battle every Sunday? Check. Remind the fan base that having someone pump up the offense only helps us on the field? Check. Tell that fuchsia sock wearing has-been to take a big step back and literally F@#$ HIS OWN FACE!? Not yet.

Oh well, there's always next week!

X's and O's (the football kind, no-****),

Dan

p.s. Really? You can't write **** on si.com? How do you work in these conditions Peter King?

This is an entry from the Baltimore-centric sports blog www.thebaltimorons.com