FanNation - The Republic of Sport

Joe - First of all, I'd like to congratulate our new pitcher, David Robinson, on his sterling performance against the Twins and last night against the Angels.

Robinson - Thanks, boss. Now can I take off these water wings? It's not raining anymore.

Joe - When your mother signed the contract letting you play for the Yanks, I promised I'd take care of you.

Robinson - Joe, I'm not a baby anymore, OK? I'm twelve years old!

Joe - We'll discuss it later. I know you guys are tired from playing 14 innings in the rain and cold, but we have to get ready to board the plane for LA. CC Sabathia won't be flying with us.

Team - Why's that?

Joe - The airline says he'll bring the plane over its weight limit, so we've arranged alternate transportation for him.

Jeter - What, a C-130?

Joe - No, better. We got the balloon guy from Colorado to hook up an air line up his backside. We're going to inflate him and let him float over the jetstream. That way he can carry extra food for himself.

Texeira - Joe, what are we gonna do about Chone Figgins and Erick Aybar? Every time they get on, they steal bases.

Joe - Easy, we're gonna attach a string to second base. When those guys slide in, Jeter will pull the string and move the base. They'll never figure it out. Incidentally, I want to congratulate A-Rod for slamming into Napoli at home. That's how the game should be played, rough.

A-Rod - I learned that from watching Joba Chamberlain at the customer line in McDonald's.

Joe - Now, I wanna talk about fielding. I've designed a new fielder's glove for Robinson Cano to use at second base. Here it is.

Cano - Joe, that glove is bigger than I am!

Joe - That's so the ball doesn't roll under you again.

Cano - How am I supposed to wear that?

Joe - You get inside it and control it with a control panel, like in "Transformers".

Cano - That's the stoopidest thing I ever seen!

Joe - No, the stoopidest thing I ever saw is when you let that grounder get by you. You almost blew the game for us. Get inside the glove and shut up, ya dummy!

Damon - Joe, I don't wanna take batting practice with Burnett. He keeps hitting me in the foot with his pitching.

Joe - You have got a very good point, Johnny. AJ, instead of hitting batters in the foot, can you try to aim a little bit higher? Aim for the head.

Burnett - Will do.

Joe - Now you pitchers should try to emulate Mariano Rivera. He is totally focused on his job of getting guys out. When he is in the dugout between innings, he doesn't fool around or hang out with the other guys. He just sits there and concentrates, like a kung fu master. Mariano, what's your secret?

Rivera - No comprendo!