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Prince Fielder leads team in HR (30), RBI (72) and CWPPA (14.7)

(Milwaukee, WI) -- With the Cubs tightening the NL Central race over the last month, the Brewers look to their fearsome slugger and unofficial team leader, Prince Fielder, to help them keep focus and maintain their spot at the top of the division.

Fielder, putting up MVP-type numbers in his second full year in the majors, leads the team in HR (30), RBI (72), and CWPPA (Chicken Wings Per Plate Appearance) with 14.7.


Catcher is not Prince's natural position, but he has an instinctual knack for blocking the plate.

"Through most of April, May, and June, Prince was putting away a party platter of wings every nine innings -- and our record seemed to align with Prince's CWPPA," said Brewers' shortstop, JJ Hardy. "In July, Prince seemed to slow a bit, and he even stopped smothering each wing with bleu cheese dressing altogether. The other night when we got shutout by Tim Lincecum and the Giants, the party platter was still half-full. At this point, [Bob] Wickman [of the Atlanta Braves] is putting Prince to shame. And our position in the standings reflects it. The Cubs are right on our tail!"

Prince doesn't feel his approach has changed.

"JJ don't know [nothing]. What he don't know is that I'm throwin' down on five or six fried turkey legs while I'm fielding my position -- kinda stealth-like. I always keep an extra leg in my back pocket," said Fielder. "Besides...the notion that our winning percentage and my CWPPA is correlated is ridiculous. Any stat-head worth his weight will tell you that there is a far greater connection between MCPGP and winning percentage. Oh...that's Milkshake Consumed Per Game Played, for those who don't know."


Prince demonstrates the proper form for his patented "Turkey Leg Tumble" slide.

"Look. Ain't no one on this team more committed to winning than me. I'm gonna do what it takes to distance ourselves from the Cubs," continued Fielder. "Don't believe me? I'm having Portillo's cater our upcoming road trip so the entire team can boost their BSIPRT. That'll get the job done."

"What?" replied Fielder, when asked about yet another esoteric stat acronym. "Oh...that's Beef Sammich Intake Per Road Trip. Don't sleep on the Brewers."

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In case it isn't painfully obvious, this is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Prince doesn't eat a party platter of wings every game...he eats two. Probably. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don't sue. We don't have money anyway. Complaints taken at geoff@bricksandivyradio.com