What a week it has been for the commissioners of the three biggest sports in the United States. Roger Goodell seems to have to suspend an NFL player every day. David Stern is having more trust issues than Kiefer Sutherland on "24." And the Stephen Hawking look-alike himself, Mr. Bud Selig, is having a case of cold feet with his home run record bride to be. So Santa AdamLee decided to show up and have a little Christmas in July. After all it is better to give than receive and nobody needs to receive gifts more than the commissioners at this point. So let's see what's in AdamLee's sack of gifts.
For NFL commissioner Roger Goodell:
A pre-ordered copy of Grand Theft Auto 4- If you want to understand an NFL player you have to think like an NFL player. Since Roger can't be everywhere, and a commissioner by your side tends to kill the mood at the stripclub I see no better way for commissioner Goodell to get a look at what many NFL players aspire to be than a game simulation that encourages domestic abuse, burglary, and an overall defamation of character. THe Cincinnati Bengals helped me pay for this gift.
A DVD of ESPN's Playmakers- The NFL, pre-Goodell reign, actually made ESPN take this critically acclaimed show off the air because the league wanted to maintain their reputation as a clean and respectable organization. How's that working out for you NFL? The main characters in Playmakers dealt with issues of infidelity, steroid abuse, and contract blowups. Are we sure ESPN didn't just replay bootlegs of HBO's reality football series "Hard Knocks?"
A handheld mirror- Goodell can use this on his athletes. Each athlete questioned will have to look in the mirror and say " I actually care about the privilege that I have been given by being a player in the NFL." If they can say it 5 times and not crack a smile they will get a week taken off their suspension. Goodell will then turn out the lights and play a game of "Bloody Deacon" where the player will say Deacon's name 5 times, and then proceed to take a vicious headslap from a ghostly image of Deacon Jones.
For MLB Commisioner Bud Selig:
A copy of the San Franciso Giants' schedule- Like it or not, Mr. Selig, you have dug your own grave. You took all the credit for the lovefest that Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa created, as their bodies grew to eyepopping proportions, now you must weather the storm that comes with the asinine Barry Bonds in his pursuit of Hank Aaron's record. You should be at every game the Giants play until the mockery of a record is finished. And you will stand and applaud Bonds, because at the end of the day he is the face of the monster you created.
A seatbelt: This will be attached to the seat Mr. Selig occupies, just in case the weasel gets any thoughts of making a break out of the ballpark.
A copy of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein: A classic tale of horror that deals with an egomaniacal man who bends the rules in order to resurrect life into the heart of his work, only to have his prized creation turn on him. Surely the connection won't be lost on Bud Selig.
A coupon to Visible Changes Hair Salon- I would have saved money and sent him to Supercuts but that clearly isn't working for Selig currently. So we will splurge a little. The idea of Selig sporting highlights may be the one thing that could make him more laughable than he is now.
And finally, for NBA Commissioner David Stern-(who gets a few more gifts because he is having the worst week of all)
A CD of Journey's Greatest Hits- Commissioner Stern, please skip to the track "Don't Stop Believin'" and put it on repeat. You need something that will give you a reason to be optimistic. Although that song didn't help Tony Soprano out too much did it? (Or did it? I still have NO IDEA what happened at the end of the series finale!)
Just for Men Haircolor- Anyone who saw David Stern's press conference addressing Tim Donaghy's gambling on games would have noticed the commish aged 10 years in that hour. His hair, once as black as night, is making him look like a midget version of Matlock. Pat Riley will assist me with this gift, and help apply the haircolor to Stern's head.
a DVD of The Wizard of Oz- Buck up Lil' David. If things don't get better you can always join the Lollipop Guild. And let's remember, sometimes you wanna go where everybody looks you in eye. Just follow the Yellow Brick Road, and that is not a nickname for Shaq's free throw percentage.
A copy of Casino and Goodfellas-Pen to the neck, Stern. Think about it.
an all expenses paid vacation to Las Vegas- Hmm... maybe not.
So there you have it. Hopefully these gifts will ease the pain that these 3 gentlemen of sport are experiencing. But you guys better shape up or next year it will be a sack full of bench clearing brawls, police blotters, and a Red Sox team Viagra scandal that will make visions of Barry Bonds dance through your heads!