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Why I'm Scared of the Bengals

- Carson Palmer.

I have been having nightmares about a megaton of C-Palm being dropped down on our secondary from on high. There are never any survivors in my dreams, only a pair of ash-filled Nikes where Domonique Foxworth once stood, while Fabian Washington waves his hand desperately over his face as he tries to cool the hellfire burning into his skin. Then again, I have been known to be pessimistic.

Palmer is exactly the type of quarterback we will be hard pressed to find much success against this year, unfortunately that type is an AFC North Quarterback. He's like Iceland to our Mighty Ducks: He's bigger, he's stronger, and he's got more facial hair. Our pass rush becomes less ferocious if the quarterback is a big guy willing to take a hit and our ability to cover runs and screens becomes less important if the quarterback is able to throw a pretty deep ball. He needs to be stuck on his back more often than a drunken white break-dancer trying desperately not to get served.

- Revenge is a dish best served on an orange helmet at high speeds.

Remember that amazing hit that Ray Ray put on Chad Johnson (and Fabian Washington too, check out the replay watching only him) at the end of the game that drew a flag perhaps unnecessarily? Yeah, I'm pretty sure Cincinnati remembers it too... Joe Flacco better not leave anyone out to dry, cause I'd bet someone is getting hit late on Sunday.

Dear Bengals,

Please don't hit Derrick Mason, he's old. Just look at him, he's too old. Don't hit Mark Clayton either; he's just starting to get his confidence back. Don't hit Todd Heap... Crap. You're going to hit Todd Heap, aren't you? The man is so injury prone I once said that he's made of balsa wood held together with Her Pleasure K-Y Jelly. Sorry Todd, consider getting a tan so you don't look so much like a giant white target (Author's Note: May the Mormon God help Mrs. Heap if they get the little red bulls-eye).

- Away Game and Divisional Game

We lost to the Bengals at home this season making this one (Author's Note: Much like the rest of the games on the schedule) a must win. Cincinnati, much like Baltimore, isn't exactly what I would consider a town with a lot going on. Come to think of it, neither do Cleveland and Pittsburg. The AFC North may be the best division in football but it's certainly not about to get it's own line of Girls Gone Wild flicks anytime soon.

Combine that with the fact that it's colder out and that leaves an entire population looking to go stark raving mad about something. I have this distinct feeling that that thing this Sunday will be the divisional game against our beloved Baltimore Ravens. Earlier on this week there were the hushed whispers of blackouts in both Cincinnati and Cleveland. One of the two happened to field a good football team while the other one is threatening to take their annoying dog masks and go home. I'll let you, the intelligent readers of www.thebaltimorons.com (tell your friends) figure out which one is which.

Why the Bengals Should be Scared of Us

- Greg Mattison brought his big boy headset last week

So as of this writing I understand that Haloti Ngata is looking questionable for Sunday. That sucks. This was supposed to be his Pro Bowl year, how can he get the votes if he isn't on TV in every city in America? What's that? He wasn't going to be on in Cincinnati anyway due to possible blackouts? Ouch.

I am a little more confident in our ability to play on no matter what because Greg Mattison showed some true heart last week; he gave up. Yes, that's right, the playcalling we were all praising is really the coordinator just parting ways with a philosophy he had stubbornly stuck to through the first six games.

Mattison had been quoted multiple times as saying that he trusts in the individual players to be able to go out there and do their jobs with the best of the athletes in the NFL. The problem is that our corners suck and we still haven't found a replacement for Bart Scott. THESE WERE NOT OVERWHELMING PROBLEMS! We just had to tweak a few things to help them out. We had to admit that we weren't dealing with elite players and adapt accordingly.

Finally the organized chaos is reappearing. Don't have a great secondary? Get pressure on the quarterback! Front four not getting enough of a push? Blitz your talented linebackers! Corners couldn't cover a pool if they were made of blue plastic? Send them after the quarterback too! They may not be big but neither is a .22 caliber bullet. Both are fast enough to do the job though and, if positioned correctly, can cause some serious damage. That's right Greg, SHOOT FRANK WALKER!

- Bazooka Joe

Dan Dierdof sounded like Joe Flacco's senile greatgrandfather last Sunday when he brought up how amazing it was to watch the maturation of the young quarterback no less than eighteen times. Per quarter. Greg Gumbel was like the responsible grandchild, at first he tried responding and engaging him in a meaningful dialogue before eventually just mumbling in the affirmative while perusing over pamphlets for nursing homes.

That being said, it is pretty cool to watch Joe go to work every Sunday. Sure his completion percentage is a bit over-inflated seeing as he hasn't exactly been Joe "Straight Go" Flacco for most of this season, but still. His rookie year you saw him looking to make plays with his legs if he had to. Now, he is combining that with the shovel pass; two things that drive opposing defenses crazy. Remember last year when it seemed like Joe "Training Bra" Flacco (Author's Note: He went to Division 1-AA) was good for one or two or a baker's dozen delay of game penalties every week? This year he's running the no-huddle. I guess it is pretty amazing.

- We have both our tackles back

Sure, you would be hard pressed to find our bookends reading an actual book (Author's Note: Especially if the apparent interpretation of Oher in the upcoming Blind Side movie is to be believed), but that doesn't mean they aren't pure football players. Gaither came back after a neck injury and handled Elvis Dumervil while Oher, showing a frightening mean streak, placed his hand onto an opponents back, drawing horrified gasps from the officials who threw their yellow flags to tryto distract the beast while they ran away.

We have mentioned this on the podcast before but combine Gaither and Oher with Rice and Flacco and we have a very good, very young offense that will hopefully stay together for years to come (and that is without making mention of Chester and Grubbs). I keep reminding myself to be patient and to give the group a few years to gel, but with Rice being a constant threat to break 100 yards and Flacco's tallness combine with his darkness and handsomeness, it's hard to imagine us getting much better.

We must draft a wide receiver this year. That gets its own paragraph. Well actually it doesn???t because now I feel bad and want to make sure that our receivers are reminded that they are very talented, they are just a little bit older... Actually, scratch that, instead of calling them old, let's call them "primed for mentorship". Please don't throw your helmet at me Derrick Mason.

Top Five Drinking Games

- Take a shot every time they mention Cedrick Benson rushing for over one hundred yards the last time these two teams played. Make it a double if they pompously refer to "eclipsing the century mark"

- Drink a quarter of your beer every time the announcer mispronounces Haloti Ngata (Author's Note: This could lead to shot-gunning if he makes a big play). If Ngata doesn't play on Sunday, drink heavily on every screen pass you think he would have blown up.

- Every time they mention blackouts or the lack of fans in the stands, turn up the heat in your house and open another disgusting yet cheap Natty Boh and contemplate why anyone would ever want to leave Baldimore.

- Every time Kelly Washington gets a first down, take a quick swig of your beer and then mimic whatever dance he does while bellowing incoherently. If Chad Johnson so much as smiles, call him a showboat and throw pretzels at the TV.

- Finish your beer every time the Ravens get a pass interference penalty then offer to get everyone else another one. You don't want to watch the damn game anymore anyways.

This is an entry from the Baltimore-centric blog www.thebaltimorons.com