In an exclusive interview on Monday, Gary Bettman revealed that he feels totally left out as the other commissioners of the four major sports face problems that can potential damage their sports.
"Why can't Sidney Crosby be involved in a dogfighting ring? Why can't we find huge amounts of guns and ammunition at Peter Forsberg's house? Why can't we uncover a huge steroid scandal or find out that one of our refs is fixing games ?" an obviously bored commissioner said. "I'm just bored, to say it plain and simple. It's not like we're dealing with a lockout or anything. That was probably the most exciting time in my life with all the negotiations and holding hockey hostage from the people."
Despite his continuous urgings, the players seem reluctant to comply and get in trouble.
"I think most of us are just too hazy from repeated concussions to start trouble," Eric Lindros said. "I myself can't even remember what day it is, so how am I going to start an organized crime ring?"
Bettman said that he feels the players should just go out on the town and be reckless. He started shaking uncontrollable at this point and yelled to the heavens, "I AM SO FREAKING BORED! Where's my Pacman Jones? Where's my Mike Vick? Where's my Barry Bonds? Where's my Tim Donaghy?"
Bettman then proceeded to tell of a plot where he plans to taint some star players' urine samples for the next round of drug testing, most notably, Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin.
"I need to stir up controversy. Hockey is headed toward oblivion. It was already on the backburner, which was bad, but oblivion? That's horrible!"
So hockey players, be ready for some controversy and suspensions...