Hi folks, I'm Tiger Woods. A lot of people ask me how I get such fantastic golf scores. Well, I'm here to share my secret with you right now - The Tiger Woods Super Titanium Multiplex Golf Tee.

This tee holds my balls when I'm driving. It sets the angle for maximum head penetration and impact when I need to score a hole-in-one.

If you order right now, I will send you, absolutely free of charge, a pair of my award-winning balls. Nobody has got balls like I do. They're big! I have got the biggest balls in golf. And if you order now I will send you a leather bag to carry my balls.

But what are balls if you don't have a big club? That's why I am presenting my Tiger Woods Mahogany Driver, which is guaranteed to smash a really hard shot into the hole. Look at the shaft on this baby, and its enormous brown head!

But that's not all! If you call right now and order my balls and my shaft, I will send you a big bag of Tiger Woods Lawn Fertilizer, so you can have a lush growth of grass around the hole when you sink one in. After all, what good is a hole if it doesn't have grass growing around it?

Finally, and this is the most important part, The Tiger Woods Golf Helmet, designed to break the impact of when your old lady decides to use your head for a driving range. This baby can protect your cranium against wedges, putters and nine irons. This way, if she decides to score an eagle on your brain, you won't end up seeing birdies.

Well, that's all for today, folks. I got a date to meet Michael Phelps, where we're gonna compare my dong against his bong, and then we're gonna smoke some Wheaties. See you all next time!