In keeping up with the Tim Donaghy soap opera, one thing really jumps out at me. Why exactly are NBA refs prohibited from going to casinos? I can understand during the season, when the books will be out and their games will be part of them, but the offseason should be fair game.
After all, if they can go to the race track and bet on horses, why can't they play some blackjack, maybe shoot a little craps? Fill a slot machine, spin the roulette wheel? Maybe it's just me, but when my job is over for the day, I'm on my time and my family's time. I don't make enough at what I do and the NBA refs don't make enough at what they do to be told what is okay and not okay off the job, especially if it's a legal activity.
And now, the blow by blow recap from the greatest fantasy fight ever to pop inside this writer's head.
From the cramped and run-down San Quentin Arena, 15 Rounds of boxing featuring disgraced NBA referee Tim Donaghy and the Pride of Louisville, Kentucky. (No, not Ali, me.) No introductions necessary. Let's get it on.
Round 1: Both fighters come out. Curtis gets in a digging left hook to the body. Donaghy reaches for the neck, is warned by Referee Mills Lane about holding. Misses wild with a left hook of his own. Curtis pops a one-two and backs away. Donaghy lands a beergut punch, slowing Curtis' attack. Donaghy dances around the ring. Curtis backs him into a corner and lands two jabs and a beautiful straight left hand as Round 1 ends.
Round 2: More dancing by Donaghy, who tries to go back to work on the beergut. Curtis catches him coming in with a short hook, staggering Donaghy. Curtis follows with an uppercut, Donaghy's knees buckle, Curtis moves away. 30 seconds to go. Now 20, 10. Curtis rips a liver shot and down goes Donaghy with 7 seconds left in the round. And it looks like he will be Saved by the Bell.
Round 3: A clash of heads, small cuts on both fighters. Donaghy lands a jab, backs Curtis into the ropes, misses with a right. Curtis spins away and lands a hard left to the ribcage. Donaghy attempts to finger Mills Lane(?) Mills lands a one-two of his own and Curtis steps in and drops Donaghy again with another left hook. Bell sounds.
Round 4: Slower pace now. Both fighters breathing a little heavy. A couple of half-hearted jabs from each fighter. One minute to go. Donaghy tries to bull-rush, but Curtis spins away, popping a short right half-hook as the bell sounds.
Round 5: Curtis explodes with a four-punch combo, staggering Donaghy into the corner. Curtis backs off again. Donaghy steps forward, Curtis lands a one-two. Donaghy lands a desperation right hook on the jaw, snapping Curtis' head back. Donaghy goes on the attack, Curtis digs a right to the gut and another hook to the liver. Donaghy goes down again. Curtis reaches down and helps Donaghy up? What sportsmanship! Curtis lands a vicious hook as the bell rings.
Round 6: Curtis dances around the ring, gut flapping as Donaghy tries to cut off the ring. Curtis jabs once, twice, three times, dancing around Donaghy. Donaghy calls for a chainsaw and some steroids. Curtis lands several shots to the head. Blood pours from two cuts. Donaghy tries to headbutt Curtis' chin, is deducted a point. Argues with Mills Lane as bell sounds.
Round 7: Both fighters mutually agree to rest another three minutes on their stools.
Round 8: Donaghy comes out blowing a whistle. Mills Lane jerks it out, tells him to put his mouthpiece back in. Curtis goes back to work on the body. Donaghy holds, tries to nibble Curtis' ear. Curtis headbutts, lands crushing left hand and Donaghy down again. Two minutes pass, Mills is at 8 on one hand, stuffing $100 bills from Curtis into his pocket with the other. Bell sounds.
Round 9: Curtis starts with a couple jabs, then a straight left. Donaghy comes forward, calls time, hands $20 to bookie in corner, says "Suns", calls time in. Sucker punches Curtis in the gut, lands two to the head, low blow by Curtis, Donaghy unaffected (Curtis would later say he felt nothing there). Bell sounds, Donaghy finally seems to win one.
Round 10: Curtis blasts Donaghy with a series of vicious hooks to the head. A straight left hand knocks Donaghy's nappy toupee off. A crushing hook sends Donaghy down again. Saved by bell again. Five rounds to go.
Round 11: Donaghy offers money to ringside observer Michael Vick to finish the fight for him, but Michael is busy organizing a catfight between Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Donaghy's trainer rubs liniment oil on his gloves. Curtis goes in to end it. Donaghy fingers him in the eye. Curtis staggers, Donaghy rips several punches to the beergut. A low blow and Curtis takes a knee. One point deducted from Donaghy, Curtis given five minutes to recover. Trainer Roy Jones wipes his eyes, fight resumes. Curtis attacks, lands eight punches to the head and body as bell sounds.
Round 12: Curtis presses the attack, lands several hard jabs and an overhand left. Donaghy into the ropes, Curtis lands a shot to the midsection, Donaghy crumples, Curtis holds, picks him back up, lands another shot to the midsection. Donaghy lands a knee to the side, Curtis lands a backhand. It's chaos and bad form as the bells sounds to end the 12th.
Round 13: Trainer Roy Jones asks Curtis if he has any excuses for the first 12 rounds. Trainer Tarver asks Donaghy for one lucky shot. They meet in the center of the ring, Curtis lands a one-two, Donaghy holds, tries to bite shoulder, threatens to set fire to Curtis' lawnmower and steal his HD satellite. Curtis roars and goes hurricane, landing 11 punches with his hands and one with his beergut. The round ends with Donaghy tangled in the ropes screaming "No mas!" The English-speaking audience hears this and assumes he's trying to warn his capo that the Patriots will be without their star WR for the next game.
Round 14: Donaghy bleeds like a sieve. Bald, battered and broken he tries to continue. Curtis comes forward landing hard body shots. Donaghy's right eye is closing. He tries desperately to hold on. Curtis pushes him away and lands a left that puts Donaghy down again. Trainer Tarver throws in the towel, Referee Lane picks it up, folds it, hands it back and begins the count. Bell sounds.
Round 15: Both fighters forego the traditional glove touch and Curtis moves in for the kill. He eschews the body, landing hard shots to the face and head. With a final left hook, Donaghy goes down again. Curtis looks at Referee Lane, nods, and Lane waves off the fight at 49.95 seconds of the final round. Trainers Jones and Tarver enter the ring and commence hostilities, with Jones spontaneously morphing into RJJ and dropping Tarver with his own left hooks. Jones promptly retires to begin a 3-decade war of words with the Magic Man. Curtis retires undefeated. Donaghy fights the winner of Hilton/Lohan...and loses.
Disclaimer: No fight with Tim Donaghy or any other referee has taken place. The above was written purely for entertainment purposes.