In a shocking twist, it was revealed today that Matt Schaub, quarterback of the Texans and former backup to Michael Vick, ratted Vick out to the Feds after attending a dogfight last year.
"For years I had been looking for a way to undermine this guy, and then the idiot gives me all the ammo I needed. I mean, I had tried everything. I told people he killed someone, evaded taxes, even took steriods. He invites me to his house, and BOOM, I've got what I wanted. Finally, the starter's spot is mine, and what happens? I GET TRADED TO HOUSTON!!!!! Houston, of all places!! That's what I always wanted, to run around and spend my time on my a*s staring up at Dwight Freeney. DAMNIT!!!! F**K YOU, MIKE VICK, AND F**K YOU FALCONS!!!"
He continued, "For years, I sat on the bench while this yahoo ran around, and people thought he was the greatest. 'He rushed for a thousand yards' everyone said. Well whoop-de-freaking-doo, he's a quarterback. Meanwhile, the only REAL QB on the damn team sat the f***ing bench!! I got him, ratted him to the Feds, removed him from the picture, and now what? I have to get sacked 250 times in the next five years, like the last poor sap? WHAT THE F**K??!!?!?!"
Shortly after my interview, Schaub was carted away to a mental facility.
Schaub's Texan teammates were shocked. Mario Williams, defensive end, said, "I guess that's the last time I invite him to my dogfig - I mean, my friendly backyard BBQ"
RB Ron Dayne said, "He always seemed a little off, even when he was in Atlanta. Then, when he arrived in Houston, sometimes, I would hear, like, sobbing coming from his room, or other times, he would break stuff all the sudden. I don't know man, he could use some time off, I think."
Meanwhile, the Texan offensive line would like everyone to know that they are trying really hard, and that this NFL thing "is a little harder than we thought."