When was the last time the Yankees didnt make the playoffs? When was the last time they didnt win the AL East? Hi I'm Wolf Blitzer for the Situation Room. Today's story...
"I have no frickin clue when the Yankees didnt make the playoffs" said Terry Francona.
"I dont know. You know? Really? When was it last?" said Joe Torre.
"Damn, I really dont know when was the last time the Yanks didnt win the AL East" said Theo Epstein.
Really, when was the last time the New York Yankees didnt make the playoffs? Well, it goes back as far 1982-1994. Those years, for some reason, the Yanks stunk. Then they've gone on a tear from 1995-2006. The Yankees have won the AL East from 1996-2006. The Red Sox have had to play second fiddle to the Yankees for nearly their entire existence. Minus of course the early 1900's pre trade of the Bambino. I mean, its like the Yankees have always caught those breaks. They've always come back. They've always won. They've always gotten that one player they needed. It's always been like, the Yankees, and then everybody else.
But today is a new day! The New York Yankees have not made the playoffs in 2007! As of September 30th, after a 9-8 loss to the Baltimore Orioles, the Yankees missed the playoffs. The Boston Red Sox pulled off their greatest achievement in their franchise history, actually winning the AL East. They won the AL East by an astounding 1.5 games.
"This is so much sweeter than 2004" said John Henry.
The Yankees missed the Wild Card by only 2.5 game's. The Cleveland Indians finally did something they hadn't done in over a decade, make the playoffs. Cleveland finally rocks, Drew Carey finally is right.
"No. Really? Oh my God..." said Bud Selig after being informed that indeed, the Yankees had not made the playoffs.
In fact, Selig was not the only one that was in disbelief.
"Allright, where's that prick Ashton Kutcher? Where's your Candid Camera crew?" said George Steinbrenner. Steinbrenner was in his office at the time the press arrived. He was lighting a cigar with balloons in his office. Seemingly, celebrating another AL East Crown and Playoff berth by habit.
When the news broke about the Yankees...
Jeopardy actually canceled an episode.
Snoop Dogg put down his blunt.
Steven A. Smith shut up.
Britney Spears decided to wear panties.
Jimmy Kimmel decided not to host another award show.
Joe Morgan accidentally said something witty.
The glove somehow fit on OJ's hand.
The Stock Market collapsed.
CNN and FOX News were buzzing all morning with news reports from across the globe. This time, mainly focusing on something that had nothing to do with the idiocy of George Bush. George had somehow managed to be normal for one day. Instead, there were reporters all across the globe taking in the reactions of MLB fans.
In Colombo, Sri Lanka...
"I have a translater with me right now and a resident, Wolf." Turns to a small stout woman. "What does it mean to you that the Yankee's have missed the playoffs?" Woman speaks, translator helps. "She says Wolf, (laughs) that her family has actually celebrated by eating rice and dog for dinner. They believe it was a gift from Buddha."
In Lubeck, Germany...
"There is absolute pandomonium here Wolf. This is crazy. As you can see, there is a parade occuring behind me. Its freezing outside, practically worse than Seattle. And yet, hundreds of thousands of Yankee hater's have flocked to the streets to celebrate."
In Western Antarctica...
"Hello Wolf, hope your warm in the studio. You thought Germany was nuts, check out these people behind me. There is a few crews of European Scientists behind me. They are huddled with some local Eskimos. They are at the moment, burning a flag with a Yankees logo embroided upon it, and are sacrificing a penguin in thanks to the gods for the Yankees not making the playoffs. It seems that people all around the world truely do, hate the Yankees."
In Boston, USA...
"I've been waiting for this day my entire life." said a 10 year old boy. As he finishes his statement, all of Boston, Massachussets erupted. Erupted in a roar of celebration that is.
In Boston Red Sox locker room...
"Go away. That's a bunch of BS. Dont frickin come in here and lie to our faces like that. You know damn well we missed the playoffs. Get the cameras outta here. We all know, and we all know the Yankees made it in. Stop screwing with us lady", said Curt Schilling. Schilling turned back to his locker, and began to weep.
Its quite puzzling how an entire planet can actually be in hatred with each other so much, that is always at war against itself, always in turmoil. Its even more puzzling how some even are in such disbelief to the fact. Its nearly become engrained in society. Its like we're all austistic, and once we break away from the routine of the Yankees making the playoffs, pure chaos ensues. Perfect example is how New York, New York is rioting today. Local and State police are stating that they have accounted for 321 injured, 9 dead, and enough money in damages to make Bill Gates go broke. And its puzzling how all the nations of the world can at one moment's time, pass aside their differences, and agree on one thing. They hate the New York Yankees. Today is truely a joyous day for those who seep with hatred for the one team that never fails.
Im Wolf Blitzer for the Situation Room, have a good day world.
Im a Red Sox fan, but I dont hate the Yankees and blame everything on them like a lot of fans. This was pure satire. Mainly because most of the world doesnt know jack squat about basebal and hates our guts.
And I doubt the Yankees miss the playoffs. They're the Yankees.
Was this lame? Not funny?
I thought this was "average"...but Im always my worst critic.