One of my favorite features on the web is these name generators. I recently came across a Mafia/Mob Nickname Generator, and I thought I'd plug in the Astros' names just for fun. So, here's what the generator came up with (no matter how many times one types in the name, the output is always the same):

Uomini D'onore

Capofamiglia: Drayton "Knuckles" McLane

Sotto Capo: Tim "No Mercy" Purpura

Capodecina: Phil "Gandhi Mangler" Garner

La "Mafia" Di Astros

THE GOOD:

Brad "Dreamboat" Ausmus – to the women, at least.

Craig "The Xenophobe" Biggio – “a person unduly fearful or contemptuous of that which is foreign”…that’s superstitious Bidge for ya…

Eric "The Tiger" Bruntlett – this wasn't exactly "bad" or "ugly", so in a way, i guess i see this.

Jason "Twinkle Toes" Lane – i think i've heard this one before…

Carlos "The Stare" Lee – umm…yeah!

Brad "Napalm" Lidge – this one works either way—he’s either throwing the napalm or he IS the napalm.

Mark "The Abalone" McLemore – look it up…and think about it…it kind of makes sense…

Roy "The Mangler" Oswalt – might as well be.

Hunter "The Butcher" Pence – i was sooo happy he got a FITTING nickname!!

THE BAD:

Chris "Lonely Guy" Burke – i could probably argue for this one, but i’m not sure how far i'd get…

Adam "Lonely Guy" Everett – i’m not sure how he ended up with the same nick as Burke…

Juan "The Waterboy" Gutierrez – wrong sport.

Jason "The Mouthpiece " Jennings – i was sooo hoping for something along the lines of “Chimpy Nuts”…

Mark "The Fist" Loretta – sometimes i think that’s what he fields with…

Trever "The Pipsqueak" Miller – what a terrible mafia name, for one!

Brian "The Coin Operator" Moehler – uh, what?!

Eric "Del Murder" Munson – eh? 

Orlando "Two Fists" Palmeiro – i’m not quite sure how to relate this one to baseball…

Luke "Fancy Pants" Scott – it’s funny, but by no means accurate...

Ty "The Umpire" Wiggington – how ironic.

Woody "The Stare" Williams – to be “The Stare”, one must be intimidating. Good for Carlos, bad for Woody.

THE UGLY:

Matt "Cedar Teeth" Albers – come again?

Lance "The Funny Mustache" Berkman – he should grow one, just to psych out the pitchers!

Dave "The Ogre" Borkowski – ouch!

Mike "The Ostrich" Lamb – he can't be an ostrich AND a lamb!!

Chad "Hair Lip" Qualls – what?

Wandy "Chimpy Nuts" Rodriguez – no joke. this really is what generated. poor, poor Wandy!

Chris "No Thumbs" Sampson – it’s one of those reverse psychology nicks…make them think you have no thumbs, so they’re surprised to realize when you start pitching that you actually do.

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only. Nicknames (" ") were extracted from an external source (cited at top) and in no way reflect the post author's actual opinion of the persons mentioned.

Agree? Beg to differ? Comment.