Ophthalmic Emergencies Spike Following On-Air Incident
-- Bristol, Connecticut
Although most of the television audience was quick enough to look away, dozens of viewers with slower reflexes were blinded today in a rare but damaging event. The sparkling brilliance of analyst Todd McShay made an oblique collision with a flash of insight from NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper, Jr. to create a supernova of idiocy that, if looked at directly, was powerful enough to fry the optic nerve.
Ophthamologists everywhere are feeling the strain of so many cases being reported simultaneously.
"We just don't have the capacity to deal with ocular trauma on this scale," said Dr. Iris Cornea of the New Haven Eye and Ear Clinic. "We've had to triage patients out in the street and make do as best we can."
There is not yet a final estimate on how many viewers were affected, but experts say the final tally will be staggering and could have a crippling effect on the nation's health care system. However, most are quick to point out that this could have been far worse. If so many viewers were not already conditioned to avert their eyes at the first sight of Kiper's Pompodour of Death, many more might have lost their vision.
The unfortunate incident began when ESPN's Sportscenter anchor Josh Eliot asked the two guest commentators to select which players' draft statuses experienced the greatest rise or fall as a result of bowl game performances. Kiper began the segment with an unusually logical choice, naming Dexter McCluster of Ole Miss. He cited McCluster's late season performance and versatility, actually making sense in a rare moment of lucidity.
McShay responded with his typical lack of intelligence naming Tim Tebow as his most improved prospect. While he conceded that Tebow is unlikely to be drafted on the first day, he's convinced that "[Tim] can be a key player on 7-10 snaps per game" for a team that selects him." Unfortunately, McShay irrationally undermined his own argument by then pointing out Tebow's shortcomings and flaws, making the fact that he picked the Florida QB as the most improved prospect in all of the FBS even more asinine.
When picking those whose stock dropped the most, Kiper re-established himself as a borderline moron by taking Brandon Spikes of Florida. His reasoning was that on a particular play in the Sugar Bowl, Spikes was unable to sack Tony Pike.
That single play "raised a red flag" by confirming fears about Spikes' lack of speed, and was evidently sufficient to send his stock into a free fall.
McShay chose Tony Pike of Cincinnati. The Sugar Bowl, according to McShay, highlighted Pike's lack of consistency in terms of decision-making. To make his argument easier to defend, McShay elected to ignore certain realities, such as the fact that Pike was without the coach who had called his plays all season long. Or the fact that Pike still threw for 3 touchdowns and completed 60% of his passes without an interception against one the nation's best defenses. Or that he accounted for roughly 70% of Cincinnati's total offense.
McShay further stated that Pike's bowl performance raised questions about his frame even though Pike was not injured, was sacked four times without incident, and has been 6'6" 210 pounds for some time.
Given that there were 33 total bowl games played to date, many of which had elite prospects involved, much of the curious audience wondered why 3 of 4 chosen players came from the same matchup. Subsequent reports that McShay lost a recent IQ contest to a sack of hammers resolved some of the confusion, but critics are still unsure why an allegedly legitimate media outlet would continue to employ two lobotomy patients as analysts.