kr0nus's Blog

Anyone who watched the Hall of Justice cartoons probably remembers Bizarro Superman.  His character was the inverse of the original Superman, representing everything that Superman represented in opposite.  He lived in a bizarro world (a planet shaped like a cube) where all logic was turned upside down. 

Watching today's Houston Texans is like visting bizarro world.  The Panthers whom the Texans beat soundly today were once Superman to to our bizarro franchise.  In 2002, the Texans opened for business with Dom Capers, who led the Panthers to the NFC championship game in their second season as their coach.  The Texans looked to emulate as much as they could of Carolina's blueprint in order to build a winner in four years.  In addtion to hiring Capers, they built a defensive front seven with high draft picks. The Panthers ended up playing a SuperBowl in Houston a season later, while the Texans assumed their place at the bottom of the league, never finishing above five hundred since.

Today, at 2-0, after defeating the Carolina Panthers 34-21, Texans fans have to be wondering what team are they watching, the real Houston Texans or some interdimensional inversion.  First of all, we've got this bizarro "8" running the team.  It's impossible to immediatley tell, because and 8 flipped upsdie down is still an 8.  However, down by 14 points in the first quarter, we would immediatley assume that "8" (Carr) should frenetically take a sack and fumble or throw an interception.  Instead "Bizarro 8" (Schaub) cooly leads his team on an 65-yard TD drive.  Not only that, but Bizarro 8 continues to throw another TD pass in the second quater to capping 80-yard drive, and lead them to a field goal for a (gasp) 17-14 lead at halftime.  Obviously, this is not the Texans QB. To further my confusion, I recognized the real number 8 holding a clipboard, but that wasn't the only funny thing about how he looked...  he was wearing a Panthers jersy.

 Carr and "Bizarro" Carr share a cross-dimensional handshake.

Don't mistake my confusion for disappointment.  If I am in bizarro world, don't send me back.  The interdimensional bizarro Texans:

  1. are confident and have a swagger ("In the past, we would have folded with a deficit like that, but not this team," said cornerback Dunta Robinson, who intercepted a pass for the second game in a row. "This is a different team with a different attitude. We didn't panic when we were down because we put ourselves in that hole.")
  2. swarm the ball on defense
  3. put pressure on the quarterback (3 sacks today)
  4. protect their own quarterback (0 sacks)
  5. have a QB (20-28, 227, 2 TD's, 119 Rating)
  6. sustain drives on offense (65 and 80 yard TD drives)
  7. score TD's (34 points)
  8. ... and WIN football games (2-0).

I can't think of a better way to spend Sundays than to watch the Bizarro Texans.  After all, this is the kind of football that playoff teams play.  Certainly, if this is a truely inverse dimension, then the Bizarro Texanscna wind 10 games.  Then I realize, that if I was truely in some bizarro world watching football, then my desires as a fan would also be inverted.  I would be rooting for a team to suck and therefore would hate this team. 

Instead, I'd probably be watch the Browns... what's that... they scored 51 points to win. Now there is no doubt, this is bizarro world.


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